I had a great life. I’d started and was running a successful business. I had a tribe of smart, funny, and supportive women friends. I was healthy and fit. Furthermore, I was coming to terms with the possibility that I would remain single and childfree, and I was becoming more confident that I could create a fulfilling life for myself, by myself. I had everything I needed and I was happy.
Until.
During an extraordinary two-week period, I took care of my 15-month-old nephew, Jake, while his parents traveled. We danced, we laughed. He threw tantrums, I stressed about keeping the house together and keeping him from getting hurt. Everything was somewhat under control. Then one night, while I was in the kitchen washing the dinner dishes, he came up behind me, threw his arms around my leg in a tight hug, kissed the back of my calf, then toddled back to the living room.
“Thanks, Jake!” I managed to get out before tears locked up my voice. A current of love surged from my leg and throughout my body as I sobbed into the soapy water. I was struck by the realization of how touch deprived I had been for so long. Sure, friends greeted each other with a light hug and peck on the cheek. It wasn’t even the passion of a romantic relationship that I longed for. It was the daily human interaction, the hugs and kisses, the gentle caresses, the genuine affection, the skin-to-skin contact, something moms get (and have even been heard to complain about).
At that time in my life, I had none of that in my home. What made me a bit scared was that I hadn’t even noticed. It had become my “normal” and I hadn’t thought anything of it until Jake reawakened the need in me.
When I got back home, I brainstormed how I might create more physical affection in my life. I ruled out engaging in one-night stands and, well, hiring male escorts, both of which lacked the “genuine” aspect I needed. I thought about scheduling more frequent massages. I lavished my dog with belly rubs, which helped some. Was it enough? Would it be enough?
The one answer that made sense to me was that in order to receive, I needed to give. I could visit elderly residents of retirement homes, providing them with conversation, attention, and gentle touches. I could become more huggie with my friends, especially my single friends. I could offer to babysit, giving my mom-friends breaks they needed and getting some cuddling time with the children who inhabit my circles.
Are you aware of this need in yourself? If you’ve come up with creative solutions, please share them with us in a comment. Meanwhile (and I know this is just a tidbit), please consider yourself cyber-hugged.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree.
I’m a teacher. Every day, I teach 37 Kindergarten students in small group activities. Almost daily, I get a leg hug – I’m 5’11” and they barely reach my bellybutton.
Yesterday, I was prepping for my next lesson, sitting at one of the Kindergarten tables, on the tiny chairs. Students lined up to give me “kid sized” hug. Their arms wrapped around my shoulders. Their heads touched mine or settled into the crook of my neck. I felt enveloped by their arms. I felt great.
I will be sitting in those little chairs more often.
I hadn’t thought about this. I do have a husband so there are lots of hugs there. When I see the little kids in my life I do throw in hugs, but still being early in the journey I am cautious about their hugs. There are lots of dog and cat cuddles in my house.
The cyber hugs are really wonderful too when my family sends me those. And I wrap myself in cozy blankets. But this is food for thought. Maybe I’ll be the woman on the corner with the sign “free hugs available.”
I had a similar experience when going through a rough time in my life. I was married, but IF took it’s toll and then cancer jumped in to the mix. No affection at home, and I cried when someone hugged me, because it had been months since I had felt a kind, warm, genuine touch. It’s a huge part of who we are and what we need. Finding ways to get it is important!
Agreed!! I am such a touch feeling kind of person. When I taught high school and middle school, I’d get hugs from my students all the time. I HUG! all my friends. They don’t get the typical protocol hug… they get a serious hug…. I hug dh all the time, my parents, my aunts and uncle, my brother and sister in law, and I LOVE to hug my niece… probably because she is so into hugging, too. And this is actually one of the things that I, in my obsessive worry mode, worried about… what if I don’t have someone to hug. So, agreed… we need creative hugging solutions and I am 100% for volunteering with the elderly. I think they need hugs, whether they realize it or not.
The world would be a better place if we all had more hugs. 🙂
This is something I’ve also been thinking about recently. I’m a bit reserved, I suppose, so I’m not particularly comfortable hugging people unless I’m very close to them. I’m single and I only see my family once every two-three months (and we’re not massive huggers) so the upshot is I get almost no physical contact. It’s a bit of a crappy way to live. Not really sure what the answer is.
I am a reserved person, but once my kids came along, I simply couldn’t stop hugging them. And my daughter is a hugger. She needs morning hugs and night hugs, and then hugs for no reason at all. Recently going through a rough patch in life, I got a hand shake from a friend which got me crying. Because it has been quite some time since I got a serious hug, the kind that seeps warmth into you.