I have a large extended family; we have to rent a hall on Boxing Day so we can all get together. And now all those sisters and female cousins are newly married and reproducing. Every time a baby shower comes up I’m invited, and I wrestle with myself over whether or not I should be able to go yet.
I’ve always been supportive and encouraging with my family, happy to celebrate in another’s happiness. It’s been four many years since my dream died, and I get the sense that I’m expected to be “over it” by now.
Unsure and not wanting family to think I’m selfish or emotionally immature, I went to a cousin’s baby shower about a year ago. I mentally prepared myself ahead of time. For example, I’m terrified of flying, but I know that there is lift-off, food, a movie and a landing, and then it’s done. I thought about how there would be food, presents and games at this shower, and then it would be done. I thought to myself “I should be able do this, even my own Mom is expecting me to go.”
I thought the worst part would be the games, but I was wrong. It was the chitchat. I actually got stuck between my mother and a cousin having a conversation on the couch about how all the women in our family have long labors. Seriously. When I got home I wrote myself a note in black marker and stuck it on my kitchen pin board where it still remains today: “You never have to go to another baby shower ever again. No one will notice; no one will care. It’s torturous. Don’t Go. Don’t feel guilty”.
But a year later I still get shower invites and I continue to question whether I am – or should be – ready to attend now. And I want to know, is it ever going to be something I can attend? And what can I tell my family that will help them understand how painful it is to attend without sounding like I’m feeling sorry for myself after all this time? They have high expectations of me, and I really do think they mean well. I was in a deep depression four years ago, and I think they are trying to make me normal again. I think.
I’m glad Irina Vodar is producing a documentary on the subject of infertility that some helpful social norms will come of it.
How do you handle these situations?
Solo Girl lives on her own with her 2+ dogs in Ontario, Canada. She focuses her time on volunteer work and fostering rescue dogs.
Andrea says
So far I have been invited to two showers since I learned of my infertility. I have to say, you’re quite a bit braver than I am. I attended one of the two, and was a big mess inside. The shower was organized by a church group, so there was a special “prayer time” where everyone who felt called to, would say a prayer out loud for my pregnant friend: “Thank you Lord for this wonderful, precious gift that so-and-so and her beautiful family have received…”, “…I ask that you protect this amazing gift and that this precious baby is blessed…”, “…thank you for blessing them with…”. I couldn’t take it, it was too much. The other shower I missed was for my sister-in-law, which I knew would be worse for me. Even though the hubby and I are in the process of adopting a newborn baby, I’m not sure that I’ll attend future baby showers; it’s just too dang hard. I used to care a lot about whether I would hurt people’s feelings if I didn’t go, but you know what… my emotional well-being has to come first. Biology is not on my side, and what I have (premature ovarian failure) causes many emotional problems I cannot control. I’m done pretending to be tough: I know I need to nurture myself.
Maria says
I’m 47 and I regularly decline attending baby showers, at work, for friends and even for family. When I first started declining invitations, I felt guilty, felt like I had to go, that I should go. Now, I don’t feel guilty at all. What I have learned is that no one notices that I’m not there, nor do they care that I am not there. People that throw the showers invite everyone they know because the expectant parents need things, plenty of it, and it’s a way to get free stuff. If it’s family or a close friend, I order a gift online, ship it to them, and they are happy to get it. I know that’s all they want from me and I’m OK with it because it’s something I can do for them. So, the message I want you all to take from this is DO NOT GO. It’s unnecessary and you should be doing something much more enjoyable with your weekend.
IrisD says
Fully Agree. Wish them well, send a gift to help them out and show your love. That is enough, in most cases.
Ruby says
I stopped going to baby showers years ago. It’s too emotionally devastating and draining, and I’m left out of all the conversations because, not ever being able to have children, I have nothing to bring to what everyone else is talking about. I feel isolated, lonely, sad, and angry at baby showers, so it’s best I don’t go. The only time I send a gift is when I know the couple really has been to hell and back to beat the odds of infertility. The rest of them, I feel as if they take for granted the way they’ve been blessed. I don’t acknowledge such “accomplishments.”
jeopardygirl says
I was one of the last to start trying in my very large extended family, so I went to all the baby showers (even threw one), and I have to agree, they are torture unless you are a mother already. I think your note is a good reminder, and you should do what it says–Don’t Go. Send a gift if you think that’s a good idea, or throw a few bucks at the person throwing the shower for the cake or whatever so you can say you contributed, but you absolutely do not have to go unless you want to. Ever.
IrisD says
I threw the baby showers for my s-i-l, and attended and in some cases helped out for those of my closest friends. But honestly. I hate bridal and baby showers. In my cultural tradition, everyone that gets an invite, usually has to pay a contribution for the hall/restaurant where the shower will be held, and then bring the gift. Sometimes it is over the top. I spent several hundreds of dollars for my cousins weddings, just on shower fees and bridesmaid dresses, add to this gifts, and then baby shower fees and presents. And you know what, they never, ever, ever pick up the phone to give me a call. So, I stopped attending. I had travel plans, had a busy work weekend, was otherwise engaged on that date. I usually sent a gift. I’m sure if my niece has a baby, I will attend, and help in the preparations because I absolutely adore her and will look forward to seeing her kids. BUT, for everyone else, at this stage in my life, I will send a gift. It is not the games, or the food, or the gifts that gets to me. It is the “mom chit chat” I usually cannot stand. The exclusivity of the club, and the conversations that read to me like a big “keep out” sign for non-members.
Klara says
Luckily we do not have baby showers in the part of Europe where I live.
But if we did have them, I would not participate.
I have only one heart and you have to take good care of it. Otherwise it could be broken.
But – I do get quite some of invitations for baby birthdays. Birthday party for 1st birthday, 2nd birthday, 3rd birthday….
I always excuse myself.
I know that my relatives think that I am wierd. I don’t really care. It is my life and I live it how I know it is right for me.
(I do go on my nieces birthday – some days before or after the party)
bubli says
I decide on a case by case basis if I will go or not. I usually RSVP as tentative because depending on life I might be too heart sore. Even prior to this I hated baby showers. As for gifts, I always send them the album “Lullabies by Nirvana” and a coffee care kit for the parents as they will likely need it after the child is born.
If I had ever become a parent, I would have wanted quirky things like that. It is my way of making those showers more bearable for me. A little selfish perhaps but at least it interrupts the talk about breastfeeding and labor.
Klara says
I am just listening to Lullabies by Nirvana…. they are great! I haven’t heard of them before.
Lee Cockrum says
I only go if it is someone I am close to. I am genuinely happy for them, and do like to celebrate their happiness. They know how hard it is for me, and thus they appreciate it when I am there. Otherwise might send a gift, depending on how close I am to the person. It does hurt so much being outside, looking in on a club that I always thought I would be a part of, but sadly am not.
Lois says
I don’t go to any more. Did that once a couple of years ago – it was a casual lunch out, no gift opening, so I thought it would be doable. However of course the conversation was all having babies, or future babies, or baby names etc. After a while I just sat there quietly at the table and wished I were somewhere else. I said, afterward, no more ever and have managed so far. If it were family that might be different, but I don’t live close to mine.
I didn’t like showers that much before, I just did them because I wanted to show support to the soon to be mother.
KT says
I’m BUSY! I am missing one next weekend…and don’t feel bad about it.
Mrs. McIrish says
I decline shower invitations. There’s no reason to torture myself and I don’t want to make a scene if I start crying. I’m also refusing Mother’s Day with my husband’s family. He is free to go and I don’t care if they don’t understand. It’s pure torture to listen to people go on and on about kids when you’ve been through hell trying to get pregnant and stay pregant, always falling on the bad side of the statistics. No one else is going to take care of my emotional needs so I need to protect myself. If they don’t understand, there’s nothing I can do to make them “get it”.
Kathryn says
DON’T DO IT! You’re mental health is priority. If you insist on opening the invitation, order a gift card online. Don’t scroll through the gift registry; a gift card is more than sufficient. To avoid anything Baby r Us like, give an Amazon or Target gift card. Amazon has a Mom’s/Dad’s baby prime membership. If it’s a group gift, give $1-$2, the most. You’ve struggled too long and hard to reclaim your mental health from depression. If you’re brave, you can send out a preventative email saying how very happy you are for their ability to have children. And, in order to save them money to prepare for the little bundle’s arrival, you will not need an invitation to the shower or future birthday parties. If they care, they will understand. Wish them well and forget about it.
MrsEbbi says
I am actually going to my first this July. And it’s because I volunteered to throw it. I am getting a bit anxious, but I keep thinking in my head this will be okay. Eek!
Julie says
I go if I know them well and REALLY like the person, and also to people who were/are supportive of us not being able to have kids (which pretty much seals them into the “really like” category!). Otherwise, I send a gift if I feel inclined. The worst parts for me are the chit-chat and the newest “game” where you are to fill out an advice card for the mom-to-be. At the last one I went to, I was thinking “will they notice if I don’t fill one out?” I finally came up with something, but it felt VERY awkward while I waited for my brain to recover from the shock of that unexpected activity so I could actually think of something.
Rose says
I think baby showers are an American thing mostly? As an English person, living abroad, I have to say the whole notion of them horrifies me! It would have done pre-infertility, too. Girls, please stay away from them, even if you love the person having the baby – they sound like materialistic, self-indulgent, downright narcissistic events as well as eye-wateringly hurtful & insensitive to the infertile (advice to the mother on cards? Awful. Upsetting. Why go?). There’s no equivalent “gifting” event for single or childless people, so screw them – personally I wouldn’t go near. Attending won’t buy you membership of their mummies’ club, or even make them more inclined to keep in touch or be empathetic towards you, so I say bollocks to them.
Rose says
Out of interest, do men have to go to these frightful things?
loribeth says
@Rose: Generally not; it’s traditionally been a strictly female thing, although I have started hearing about more couples events recently. :p
loribeth says
I haven’t had the guts to bow out of any showers since infertility. :p But I try to buy a gift (or gift card) that doesn’t necessitate a trip to Babies R Us. :p And I am generally exhausted for quite awhile afterwards.
Kathryn says
I do not go.
I make or send gifts for the baby. However, frankly, showers are for mamas and mamas to be. All the talk is about the pregnancy, the labor, the love mamas feel for the newborn, and other milestones i will never have. I will never feel comfortable. I will always be left out. I still find myself catching my breath when friends post pics of their kids on Facebook. I don’t like being in that place. I can be really happy for the folks having families, but i still haven’t “gotten there” to not hurt at being excluded from this club.
No showers for me!
Mali says
I am so grateful we don’t have baby showers in NZ. I would have hated them before I even tried to have children, let alone now. They sound ghastly. Don’t go!
Mrs G says
Right! I’m also grateful to live in a babyshowerfree country! And no bridal showers as well! One thing less to worry about!