I survived Mother’s Day relatively unscathed.
In a testament to how far we’ve come on our journey of coming-terms with infertility, Mr. Fab bought me flower and vegetable plants for my garden and told me they were a Mother’s Day gift from the cat. This is the first time he’s been able to say something like that and the first time I’ve been able to hear it without one or both of us sliding into a dark place. I call that progress.
I saw additional progress when we decided to go out for gelato and I noticed a sign announcing their Mother’s Day offer of a free scoop for moms. I decided I was okay with that, that it was a nice gesture, and that there was no need for me to kick up a stink about cruelly excluding those of us who didn’t get to be mothers. I ordered the two flavors I wanted and left it at that. And then…
“Do you want a third flavor?” asked the young, unsuspectingly girl.
“No thanks,” I said.
“We’re offering a free scoops for moms.”
“I know. I saw your sign.”
“Are you a mom?”
Beside me, I felt Mr. Fab brace for the storm. But I’m past all that, remember? So I shook my head, no.
The young girl made an apologetic face and finished scooping my TWO flavors.
“See where honesty gets you?” Mr. Fab muttered.
“Next year, I’m going to lie,” I said.
And this may be my tactic from now on. I’ll need an elaborate story to explain why I’m not with my kids on Mother’s Day, then I’ll just going around lying my head off, and gathering up the Mother’s Day swag.
I’ll report back next year on how this goes and how I actually feel about telling this particular whopper. I’ll also let you know if this is real progress or if my prior sadness and anger has just turned passive-aggressive.
For now, it’s Whiny Wednesday. If you’re still feeling the sting from this weekend, feel free to let it all out here.
Omg that’s hilarious, why not lie and steal all the swag?
For the past few years, I have been staying home all day and practicing self-care. I don’t think I’m ready to go out and grab the freebies yet. However, this is the first year that I was not only okay, I had a really good day at home with my husband and another couple who can’t have children. That couple told us they were grateful to be able to celebrate non-mom’s day with us. At the end of the day, I felt really lucky for my life and my husband was so glad to see me in a good place.
I found out this weekend that Mother’s Day is a very painful day for 2 friends of mine who do have children. They each have a child that refuses to speak to them and being confronted with freebies or the prayers at mass on Mother’s Day bring them to tears too.
I have a sister who is estranged from the family. Although she does speak to my mother regularly on the phone she refuses to visit. It’s a complicated situation and I believe mom wishes she had done things differently with my sister. I believe it brings much sadness to my mother on Mother’s Day when we are all there, except for my sister.
This is a somewhat related story… My favorite grocery store has reserved “Expectant Mothers Parking” spaces right in front, and it has always annoyed me. Well, I decided to start parking in them on the rationale that I always EXPECTED to be a mother, so I’m assuming these spaces are for me!
Go for it! — are they going to ask you for proof?? If you don’t have a bump to show, are they going to make you pee on a stick?? (Lisa, this goes for your ice cream too.) 😉
ROFL!!!
Marla, -my last attempt with a donor egg cycle just ended unsuccessful and when i read your post I giggled for the first time all week!!! I thank u!!!!
Kristine – I’m so happy to hear it gave you a (well-deserved) giggle!!
Mother’s Days in general are all hard since I’ve been married and unable to conceive, but this past Mother’s Day was the first since my miscarriage, so it was harder than all of the past ones put together.
To make it worse, neither my mother nor my mother-in-law acknowledged this day for me. My husband and I called them both on Sunday to say Happy Mother’s Day, and neither of them spoke a word to me about this day for me, how it might be hard, how it might be sad, how I’m remembered, how I’m a mother anyway since I conceived and carried a child – even for just a short time. For both of them, it was THEIR GRANDCHILD! I was very surprised at their insensitivity and silence. They’re both in their 70’s, so maybe it’s a generational thing?
Both of them had no trouble getting pregnant in their lives when they were young, so maybe they took it for granted and they think my baby wasn’t really “a baby” yet? Ummm, we did see the heart beating after all on our first ultrasound. Our baby was real and alive and growing and now she’s gone, and I can’t for the life of me understand how two women who say they love me would not speak a word to me on such a day. I’m kind of flabbergasted about it all.
I can’t let myself think about it too much, otherwise I get mad for myself and even more, for my child, who they refuse to acknowledge. Was she some worthless piece of “tissue” to them? She had a strong heartbeat and a name and she was just as alive in those few short months as any child I might have given birth to and let them hold.
Why does she not matter to them? It really broke my heart and I can’t bring myself to pick up the phone and call either of them. I don’t know how long it will take before I can call them or speak to them. I’m hurt beyond words.
On a positive note, my wonderful husband bought me a mother’s ring for Mother’s Day. It’s a gold band studded with rubies for July (the month I conceived) and interspersed in are four diamonds, for the four months I carried Lizzie. Her name “Elizabeth Anne 2012” is engraved inside. It’s the most beautiful thing he could have ever given me on Mother’s Day. I have no words for how kind and sweet my husband is. He said “I wanted you to have it for Mother’s Day. Lizzie wanted you to have it so you think of her every time you look at it and remember every time that you’re a mother”.
My wonderful husband put the “sweet” in such a bittersweet day.
Your issue with your mother and mother in law- it is a generational thing. My mother is in her 70s and was the same way. When we lost our one and only pregnancy, my neighbors (women in their 70s and 80s) and my mother all basically said the same thing, don’t worry, you will get pregnant again, or it will now be easier to get pregnant again. I can only guess that this is what people told them. My mother and my neighbor both had more than 5 children so that kind of experience doesn’t give you the ability to understand. Your husband is very sweet and you are lucky to be married to someone so thoughtful. After my miscarriage, I bought for myself a ring with the birthstone for the month I found out I was pregnant, and the month when I lost the pregnancy, and when I told my husband he said he wished he had bought it for me. I wore it on mother’s day for a little while but I took it off when I felt it making me sad. This is the first year I had a good day and was trying hard not to let anything make it unhappy for me. I hope today is good day for you too.
Thank you for your input Maria. I was hoping for some feedback from the wise women on this board, hoping for some insight from their own experiences perhaps. I appreciate you writing in. I have to work on forgiving my mother and MIL for their coldness to me. Them brushing off the most devastating thing that’s ever happened to me continues to surprise me. Neither has offered their support since it happened seven months ago, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised that they treated Mother’s Day as though it were nothing to me. I just have to keep telling myself that it’s something from their generation that I’ll never understand, and take this as an opportunity to practice forgiveness.
Yes, thank God for my husband, who has watched me suffer and who grieves with me and who has an empathetic heart. I love that you bought a mother’s ring for yourself. Maybe someday it will be a source of comfort for you and you might be able to wear it more often. Just knowing you have it is a reminder that you are a mother and always will be to your little sweet one.
Mother’s Day for me was alright. The place we went to for breakfast was offering free mimosas to celebrate Mother’s Day; make note, I didn’t say “offering free mimosas for mothers”..! So that was really nice to not be excluded from some fun. I did however, go through one awkward moment with my soon-to-be sister-in-law: the entire family was gathered to celebrate her bridal shower; after the shower and while we were all getting to see her apartment (this is where she and my brother-in-law will live after they marry), she suddenly said, “okay, now all the boys need to get out.. this is just for the girls!”. So I, thinking that she was about to show us her wedding dress, squealed a “yay!” in excitement, as I closed her bedroom door so the boys would not peek. She proceeded to look at the two other women there and said, “okay, I put together Mother’s Day presents for y’all and I wanted to give them to y’all now..”. I know I must’ve looked like an idiot. So I proceeded to leave / run away from the room as fast as I could. The word “awkward” is an understatement for this went down.
Oh Andrea, that was bad form for her to do that in front of you. Why don’t people think???
I had an OK Mother’s Day. We hid out at the movies, as we usually do. I did find all the Facebook posts & photos a bit difficult to stomach, though. :p I can handle (& even “like” a few), but they just keep coming and coming and coming…. :p I felt the same way on the first day of school (and because different areas start school at different times, it just went on & on & on over a couple of week…!).
Ugh. Facebook. I didn’t go on it all day Sunday so I would miss all the gooey posts, but on Monday they were at it. Seriously, people, enough already.
My day started off badly–when my husband decided to call and leave a message for his smug, nasty sister-in-law (the mother to his parents only grandchild) to wish her a happy Mother’s Day. I know he was just being dutiful, but I don’t know why he had to do it right in front of me, and told him so, and how the whole day made me feel–that it was a formal reminder that the whole world, especially some people I really can’t stand, seems to be in a club that I can never belong to. He said he’d never looked at it like that. (Which would seem like some sort of breakthrough, except we’ve had this same discussion before…)
Last week I started reading Hara Estroff Marano’s book, “A Nation of Wimps,” about helicopter parenting, and it made me so glad I would never have to deal with any of that. I think I’ll read a book like that every year around Mother’s Day–a new tradition, maybe.
It was a rough day when a friend who didn’t realize we had an adoption failure a couple weeks ago sent me her ultrasound photo. Also, a friend and his young daughter died this past weekend (on Mother’s Day) so we are just pulling together around his wife who is now alone. I am likely going to dread Mother’s Day for a very long time but now for very different reasons. Working from home today, curled up with the animals and just taking it easy. Life without rose colored glasses can stink.
BTW – I totally would have taken the extra scoop of ice-cream!
Mine was ok, except for my uncle saying Happy Non Mothers day to me. I wish he would’ve said nothing. It even annoyed my husband who heard him say it. My uncle may not think of me as a mother since my four babies are in heaven, but he could’ve just said hi and that’s it.
I had a wonderful Mother’s Day. I went to mass Saturday night instead of Sunday to avoid all the MDay hoopla. When I took my place at the altar to serve as a Eucharistic minister, the priest handed me a part of the host he held in his hands at the moment simple bread was turned into the Body of Christ. I rarely get this during communion, so it was like a special healing touch from Jesus saying, “I know tomorrow will be a tough day for you, so remember how much I love you.”
The next day, my husband went to a family brunch (his side of the famiy) on his own and sat next to his mom. When a relative asked where I was, he said, “Dorothy doesn’t celebrate Mother’s Day.” The other family members smiled and nodded because they know my pain, and they know my great love for each one of them. They have all rejected Christianity and I accept their free will decision, so now they are gracious to me when I abstain from some of their celebrations. We gather as a family at other times of the year and are surprisingly happy, so it all seems to work. I think the Lord placed me in this family to help me understand some of his challenges as he walked the earth.
Meanwhile, at my house, I placed fresh bouquets of potted flowers in front of my Blessed Mother statue, after saying a prayer for my deceased mom. I then chose two exotic cookbook recipes and drove to the local organic supermarket, Whole Foods, where I spent time shopping and enjoying God’s abundance. So much fresh food! So many choices!
Back home, I received a phone call from another childfree friend and we spent an hour gabbing like two school girls while I cooked. When my late lunch was ready, I hung up the phone and put on music. May God bless Pandora radio for subscription, commercial-free broadcasting. NO MOTHER’S DAY commercials, only smooth jazz.
Since this is a Whiny Wednesday post, I guess my only whine is that I wish more childless women could find their own, unique gift of peace on Mother’s Day. It takes a lot of journaling, crying, praying, talking to therapists and finding good support groups, but it does eventually happen.
restumbled upon this website today after looking for blogs for couples without kids. Happy to re-find.! My mother’s day was fine my husband bought me flowers and chocolate because he rocks. I made it known to family that I/we couldn’t do big celebrations and they UNDERSTOOD! My SIL texted my hubby saying that our 9 month old niece was sending us kisses I texted back a thank you. My 9 month old niece “texted” back that she hope she could be as strong as me when she was older. So all in all a nice day. This means I am cured right? never to have a sad day again?