By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
It’s a little hard to see in the photo included in today’s post, but I have a mustache drawn on my finger with a black Magic Marker Pen. I’m posing with a cluster of my nieces and nephews as we all show off our “finger mustaches.” There were eight adults at this party, and six kids under the age of 12, but I was the only grown-up to participate because…I am the Fun Aunt.
Back when becoming a single mom looked like my last option for parenthood, I thought hard about what I would gain and what I would sacrifice. Physical affection, membership in the Mommy Club, social acceptance all landed on my pros list. Financial struggles, sleep deprivation, losing ground in my career made the cons. A random conversation with a close friend reminded me of something else I hadn’t yet considered. Joe and Jane* had been married for several years and were discussing the possibility of starting a family. My conversation with Joe went something like this:
Joe: The thing is, I really don’t want children.
Me: Seriously? Why not?
Joe: Well…I like our life, I like our marriage. And I really like that I am still the “fun uncle” with all of our nieces and nephews.
Me: Can’t you still be fun when you have kids of your own?
Joe: Not really. Think about it. You have to be responsible, a disciplinarian. My brothers and their wives are always too tired to play, too stressed out. But I get to roll around on the floor and wrestle. Jane and I get to be silly and funny, we play games with the kids while the other adults sit around and gripe about how burned out they are. I love the relationships I have with all the kids. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to let them get away with cr*p, but I’m more part of their group of friends than like another strict and boring parent.
I thought about this a lot during my own journey to embracing being childfree, and it really resonated. Although at one time I’d desperately wanted children of my own, I also loved my role as the fun aunt. I still do. You can see that in the photo, a snapshot reminiscent of many such family occasions in which I get to be goofy, silly, playful, kid-like.
Coming to terms with our childfree status, no matter the cause, can be horribly painful. As you progress in your healing, I encourage you to embrace the fact that you get to take on this role in the lives of your nieces and nephews, or with the children of your friends. If you need help getting started, visit the Savvy Auntie site. Founder Melanie Notkin has made an art form of great auntie-ing, and the site has tips, ideas, and support.
There were times when I wondered if just being The World’s Greatest Aunt would be enough for me, and I still don’t have the final answer. But I can tell you that I am in a place in my life in which I am enjoying my role immensely and am grateful for it.
*Not their real names.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree.
Yes, I also love my role of being the fun Aunt!
In the darkest days of my infertility I could not even imagine of being around small kids. And now I can not imagine my word without them.
Even when I was sad about our situation, I still made myself play with my nephew because I knew I would want that bond to be in place. Now I am his favorite aunt (my sister claims she is, but I know the truth, ha!) because I am always willing to play with him. We have several made-up games just between the two of us that he always requests when he comes to my house. I only get to see him a few times a year, so I have to make it count!
He’s really the only kid in my life though. Everyone else I know seems to still walk on eggshells around me when talking about theirs. Any advice on fixing that? I sometimes try to set up a lunch with a friend and her daughter (I always say “are you and Jane (example name) free for lunch sometimes this week?”) And then she usually responds with a certain when Jane is in daycare, so that it can be just the two of us. So I have only ever spent time with her daughter a couple of times in the two years since she was born, so I have zero relationship with her. I know my friend is probably just trying to get some adult time in, but it feels like she is pushing me away from her daughter and preventing me from having a relationship with her, unlike what many of our other single friends have with her.
I love being the fun aunt too. The parents of my nieces and nephews always complain because the noise level goes up a notch (or 10) when I’m there. And once I have created and contributed to such utter chaos, I get to go home and leave the parents to calm kids down and sort it all out. ‘Such fun!’
I’m the fun aunt (and “world’s best godparent”) too and I love being so. It’s not always easy, though.
I love being an auntie to our two nephews (dh’s brother’s kids — my own sister is childfree by choice). Whether I am the “fun” aunt, I’m not sure, I guess that’s for them to judge. They are now (almost) 21 & 24. I think we’ve been a GOOD aunt & uncle to them… generous with hugs & presents, and dh talks on the phone with them both often — but I sometimes feel sad, I feel like we missed the boat in some ways with them & could have done/been so much more. When they were growing up, we still thought we would have children of our own. (Also, they live(d) about an hour’s drive away.) Had I known they were “it,” I would have made much more of an effort — had them for more sleepovers & Easter egg colouring sessions and gone to their soccer matches and tae kwon do tournaments. It all went by so fast. 🙁 (Of course, there’s always the possibility of the next generation to spoil & dote on.) 😉
I have been an aunt for 30 years now, ever since I was 17. My older sister had children first and I fell in love with them as if they were my own. We are especially close because their parents had a lot of individual and marital problems (and now are divorced) and I always tried to be there for them during really difficult times. The down side though is no matter how much love and kindness I gave them, they always wanted to be with their parents, no matter how badly they treated them. This is partly why I knew I couldn’t foster children because it’s so painful to love them and do everything you can to help them but they still choose their crazy parents over you. My other siblings also have children (7 between the 3 of them) and I am not as close with them, but I am definately their fun aunt, the aunt who will buy you stuff and take you to nice places because she has the cash.