Last week I attended the World Domination Summit in Portland, OR. Despite what you may think from the title, this was a gathering of creative folks and people living their lives along a slightly different track. For four days, I was amongst “my people.”
When people asked, “What do you do?” I could tell them that I’m a freelance writer, that I run a website for women without children, and that when I grow up I want to be a fiction author, and no one went cross-eyed and looked at me as if I was some kind of loser. They got me.
In a crowd of 3,000 people, I think perhaps two asked me if I had children and both understood and respected the fact that I didn’t. I even had an in-depth conversation with a woman who had a biological daughter and was now trying to navigate the world of adoption and learning first-hand that it’s not the quick-fix so many believe it to be. These people got me, too.
So many of the speakers addressed the topic of community. Jonathan Fields included “find your tribe” in his Good Life Project creed; Steve Schalchlin talked about living in what he calls the “bonus round” and brought the entire audience to tears with his story of his friends’ love literally kept him alive. When he sang, “We should all be connected to each other,” I got it. In fact one of the main themes of the summit was “community” and the importance of being among people who understand you was never clearer to me.
After the summit end, I went home via the Portland airport. It was full of families returning home from a long holiday weekend, and never have I felt more like an alien crash-landing on a strange and hostile planet. I wasn’t among my people any more.
But the next day I sat down to write this blog post and I realized that I do get to be among my people, around people who understand me. And those people are you. Here on this blog is one of the few places I can talk about it’s like to live without children, to get blank stares of misunderstanding from people who don’t get it, and to feel as if I don’t belong. Here I am among my tribe and today, I appreciate my tribe more than ever.
Appreciate the post this morning. I’m beginning to understand the importance of recognizing my tribe. I am not married, have no children, and am starting a second career midlife, so the lines of judgment and pity are plentiful. It’s the rare person who understands that judgment and pity are wrong and that I feel good. Unusual name for this summit, yet it sounds like my tribe, too.
Hi Kathy,
For the past few weeks or so, I’ve felt ok with my life. There are things I am still working on: I need to get to a better place professionally/financially. But, I feel that I am content, that I enjoy the silence in my home; the relative freedom with my time. Lately, it is only when I am confronted with statements by others, who have a different life and cannot relate to my own, that I wonder if I should be content. I have gotten much better at tuning out the opinions and words of others, or not letting them affect the way I feel about myself and my life.
Iris, there’s no “should” or “should not be” when it comes to contentedness. If you are content, then I think that is great. So many people – even those with their different supposedly “superior” lives – are not content. And to me, being content is a much greater achievement – one that many people never find.
Mali, I completely agree that contentment is a great achievement. It is somewhat of a work-in-progress for me. Sometimes we allow others to impart their ignorance upon us and it creates just enough doubt to interfere with a new and fragile state of contentedness. I am slowly learning not to let the judgment of others affect my life and happiness. And I guess that is why it’s so important to “find your tribe”. It is true that those who are busy judging everyone else are not content with their own lives.
I totally get this…recently I have been feeling very out of place and misunderstood. I have been thinking a lot about how to go about finding my tribe. This past weekend, I got together with some of my childhood friends. Although we stay in touch with each other, we don’t get to see each other often because we all live in different states or cities now. Some are parents, some are not. Some are married, some are not. And we love and accept each other anyway! I now realize that this is part of my tribe. Because we all live different lifestyles, our get-togethers are not “child” or “couple” centered. There are no competitive conversations about their children and their overbooked schedules. They don’t judge my lifestyle or become obsessed with why I haven’t had children or adopted. I don’t judge them for their choices or situations. We simply enjoy being together and shouldn’t that be what it’s all about – surrounding ourselves with people who make us feel good instead of like we are missing something or not measuring up? This sense of community and acceptance is so important. This site has been such a supportive force in my everyday life when I sometimes feel like no one understands, I know that here, everyone “gets it”.
I spent the weekend with my family where two of the couples are parenting after infertility. The conversations went well until they started complaining about not being able to manage to have a second child. The family forgot I had none. I found it pretty hard. I am happy this morning to find my tribe. I am also going to have to learn to speak up during these discussions or leave to do something different until the venting is done. I am so worn out by the experience of spending the weekend together that I just called in sick to work.
I’m sorry the conversation led to a topic that was so painful/uncomfortable. I have a friend who had one child late in life (41), but did not want another after that, and another friend who also had a child, but has been unable to have a second child. I am glad that her secondary infertility is really nothing that we talk to each other about (I don’t want to discuss things that are painful to either of us), and yet, I can understand that after having one child, a parent will become anxious about providing that one child with a companion. In my friend’s case the desire for another child, is less about another baby, and more about finding a sibling for her child, especially because she is an older parent.
Thanks Iris! I needed your perspective after the IVF/ failed adoption discussions. I am an only child so I don’t often think about the importance of siblings.
I too spent the weekend with family. It was wonderful yet also a sad reminder that we do not have any children. We are thrilled to welcome a new baby into the family and I was sad that my parents will never be grandparents. Watching my husband play with my cousin’s kids was bittersweet as it underscored what a great Dad he would have been.
yes, it is beautiful to have tribe of your own.
And I have you to thank for allowing me to be around your people ; )
I love this.
And even as you felt on a different planet in the airport with all the parents and kids, imagine how they (and the parents especially) would have felt at your conference, where no-one asked them if they had kids. A different planet? Or perhaps they might have found it equally freeing?
Anyway, glad you had a wonderful time.
The conference sounds lovely. Reposted: http://thebitterbabe.wordpress.com/2013/07/16/crash-landings/