Why is it that people have no problem asking, “So, why don’t you have kids,” or “How come you don’t like children?” or “Don’t you think not having kids is selfish?”
Could you imagine if mothers were asked the inverse? “So, why do you have kids?” “How come you like children?” or “Don’t you think having kids is selfish?” I wonder how many people would have an answer.
It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s your gripe this week?
I did try this once and it backfired — I got a look like I was insane and I think the response was, why wouldn’t anyone not want kids, what’s there not to like about kids. The last time I was asked why I don’t have kids (by a man who was a father and who I worked with), I answered “because I CAN’T have kids.” His response was a profuse apology, told me he was an idiot, and that he needed to work on is communication skills in the workplace. Now if only women could react this way. When it’s a woman, for some reason they feel the need to offer me tons of advice on how to manufacturer or obtain a child, and tell me all the joys of parenthood. Those people, I usually say, I’m a 47 year old lawyer, I know all my options, and I am fully aware of all the joys of parenthood. The conversation usually ends in an awkward silence and the mother looks crushed. Maybe it’s because women are raised to believe in fairy tale endings, and men are raised in reality. I like living in reality. Think I will stay here.
Where does your male coworker lives? I feel like going there and giving him a kiss 🙂
Yes, men are usually much easier to deal with.
(Nothing new 🙂
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After all these years of infertility I still HATE this question. I guess I will always hate it. The only difference is that it does not hurt that much any more…
He lives in NJ. But I recently got the same question from a former male classmate who lives in Virginia when we reconnected through Linkedin, my response was the same, and his reply was basically the same as the guy from NJ. So it doesn’t have anything to do with where they live.
You know I’ve heard something like this before. I’m going to try it…hopefully it won’t backfire for me though. I have a good group of friends who know what I’ve been through so they will probably either pretend not see or they will say something positive or thoughtful.
My friends came up with some very intuitive answers. The dialogue was something I never get to have with parents. They usually talk about the trivialities and not the big picture. My cousin-in-law actually admitted having kids was ab-so-frigging-lutely selfish.
My husband and I have finally found our dream home (mountain cabin on 8 acres) in rural Washington State. When we met the owner/builder he was walking us around the property and pointed out how great the barn loft is for kids to play in. He asked if we had kids and I said, “No, we tried for eight years and this farm will be our solace.” He smiled with kind eyes and said, “Oh I understand – let me show you the garden now.” No further questions asked. Yes, men seem to know when to not say anything more.
My whine this week….why is it that at age 45 and already in menopause knowing that I cannot ever get pregnant, I still get that ray of hope from time to time? The past two days I have woken up really nauseous and sick to my stomach….I hear these friggn’ voices in my head saying, “hey….maybe your……..” ugh…I don’t even want to say it.
My other whine….I was sitting around with two of my gf’s last Saturday night and another girl….we are all pretty close in age. The conversation turned to them all getting pregnant at age 19 or 20 and never getting to experience the being single and turning 21….bar hopping phase. They were all feeling really sorry for themselves. Thank God my husband overheard the conversation and called me into the other room so I didn’t have endure the conversation any longer.
*Hugs* to you Kellie. I totally get it. My period was late this month and of course, that’s right where my mind goes too.
My period was late this month and I thought the same thing. I told my sister I bought a pregnancy test and she said, why would you do that, and I said, because I’m an idiot. I wasn’t by the way.
Me to Kellie and Mary, drives me insane.
Big high school reunion coming up next year and the committee is busy planning. Lots of suggestions on FB, and I feel a stab in the gut every time someone says “Let’s make it a family gathering so we can all bring our kids!” I will have to fly for this event, spend money on a hotel, etc. There are people I’d love to see, would love to reconnect, but no way will I put myself through the torture of being the one who didn’t have kids. (Yeah, yeah, I realize there could be others.) Can’t this just be a reunion of classmates? Bring your brag books, if you must, but leave the offspring out of it.
Ugh, Kathleen… aside from rubbing in the no kids factor — how much fun is it really going to be for these parents, having to tend to their whining kids all weekend — or the kids, for that matter?? Your HS reunion is supposed to be about you & your friends, not your kids. :p My 10-year high school reunion did have a family BBQ at a classmate’s farm on the last day (Sunday afternoon) — but not everyone had kids at that point (we were all about 27 or 28) so it didn’t bother me then. But nobody brought their kids to any of the other weekend events. Of course, that was (gulp) almost 25 years ago — I don’t think it even occurred to anyone that they could or should bring their kids to the parts that weren’t specifically designated as “family.” Times have changed!!