As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods
Jen, 43, defines herself as childfree “largely by circumstance.” After she developed polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) as the result of long-undiagnosed Type II Diabetes, she and her husband of 20 years chose not to pursue fertility treatments. Giving up her dream of motherhood hasn’t been easy (see her answer to the “hardest part”), but she’s got a positive outlook and some sage advice for the rest of us on this journey. This is her story.
LWB: Briefly describe your dream of motherhood:
Jen: I wanted the whole experience—not just a baby, but a child, a teenager, and an adult child. I anticipated guiding my child to becoming a good person who liked his/herself and contributed positively to the world. I was prepared for the challenges, the detours, the heartaches, and I even knew how I wanted to handle all the negatives: with compassion (which I didn’t get a lot of from my own mother), consistent guidance, and lots of open dialogue. I wanted my children to know they belonged to a family that loved them, regardless of their inevitable faults. I wanted to pass down my family’s stories, recipes, gift of gab, and readiness to laugh.
LWB: What was the turning point for you?
Jen: We realized, after consulting with doctors, a pregnancy would be extremely high-risk and dangerous—for both me and our baby. My husband lost his parents young; he was just three when his mother died, and he physically cared for his dad from the time he was 11 years old until he was 20, when his dad finally succumbed to his disease. When I was told I was probably going to have kids with disabilities and/or health problems—if I even carried a baby to term—and that my own health would be further compromised regardless of the outcome, we decided not to continue. I didn’t feel it was fair to expect my husband to repeat the sacrifices he’d had to make as a kid. By this time, we had been married for 17 years. We had spent a good long time as a couple without kids, so we felt the adjustment wouldn’t be too difficult.
LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?
Jen: I often feel my life has no purpose; I’m just filling it up with “stuff” and idle pursuits.
LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?
Jen: We have more disposable income, which allows us to enjoy more travel and entertainments.
LWB: What have you learned about yourself?
Jen: I’m still me. The only thing that has changed is what I expect from my life.
LWB: What is the best advice you’d offer someone else like you?
Jen: Don’t second-guess your decisions, and don’t be swayed by what someone else thinks you should do. Consider your partner and his needs. Remember, you married him to be with him, not just to have babies.
LWB: Where are you on your journey?
Jen: Very much embracing Plan B!
LWB: What do you look forward to now?
Jen: Taking my niece to Walt Disney World, getting more involved with the local community theatre, compiling my old family photos and stories in albums, and learning how to sleep in!
Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.