Infertility’s Golden Little Secret

May 13, 2013 5 Comments

andrew-head-22-2By The One Hand Man 

This may turn out to be a contentious post, and I know it doesn’t apply to everyone, but I have said before that from adversity, comes strength.

I mentioned to a friend the other day about infertility and IVF stripping you down to your very core. It is an energy sapping process, and has a bearing on your soul, that nothing can prepare you for.

So how do we negotiate our way through the mire that is IVF, and come out the other side stronger than before?

Ask your partner

My wife and I have a very open and communicative relationship – this was the bridge stone in not only maintaining our sanity, but improving ourselves as well, during the IVF process.

There were times when my heart wept for my wife, and my brain mustered nothing in terms of words of consolation, but I knew that what she was going through was a dark period in her life, and my feelings, at times, had to be put to one side.

However, I knew it would be remiss of me to ignore my feelings completely, and indeed my wife did an excellent job of allowing me to feel without the pressure of having to talk.

Her subtle and gentle encouragement was enough for me to talk, as and when I needed to, and not just when she needed to. Even more remarkable given that her body was ravaged by hormones.

Rebuild

IVF and infertility knocked us sideways, and only on reflection have we realised how emotionally, and psychologically draining it was.

Having said that, we stated at the outset, that we needed to stick together, to form an alliance against infertility, if we were going to see the other side – and we managed just that.

IVF broke us down, but time, and commitment to each other, helped with the rebuild. What I didn’t expect though, is that what we built back up was stronger than before.

From the beginning our marriage had to be protected to combat the test we were putting it through. Only in this way would we emotionally be in a place to provide a good enough parenthood to a future child. Infertility and IVF had been shared between my wife and me, and we stood firm. That experience added layers to our relationship that allowed us to stand even firmer, with our heads high.

Infertility beat us, but we were not beaten. Like I said… from adversity comes strength.

The One Hand Man: Married in 07, sperm test in 08, IVF in 09, another sperm test in 10, adoption started in 11 – still going through the adoption process. Not had any recent sperm tests. Read more at: www.theonehandman.co.uk

Filed Under: Childless Not By Choice, Guest Bloggers, Infertility and Loss Tagged With: , , , ,

New “Finding Peace” Mentorship Program Starts May 21st

May 11, 2013 1 Comment

Japanese Tearoom 2A new session of the “Finding Peace” Mentorship Program begins May 21st. This is the third session of this program and past participants have found incredible support through working with an intimate group of peers and having a safe space to discuss issues that most of our friends and family can’t even begin to understand.

Registration is open now and you can take advantage of early bird pricing by signing up by next Friday, May 17th.

Over the eight weeks of the program, you will:

  • Acknowledge your loss and learn techniques to deal with grief
  • Create ways to work through, not avoid, emotions
  • Gain tools to deal with issues of family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers
  • Find a way to move through this difficult transition and into a new and fulfilling life, even it’s one that doesn’t include children
  • Meet other women who understand you and get ongoing support from a sympathetic group of peers in a safe and protected environment
  • Be guided by a compassionate mentor who’s already walked plenty of miles in your shoes and speaks your language (that’s me!)

You might be surprised to learn that we even find room for laughter in these workshop and support sessions. It’s one of the many perks of sharing even the most difficult experience with people who’ve been there, too.

You can find all the details and registration information here.

Filed Under: Childless Not By Choice, Infertility and Loss, The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Mother’s Day

May 6, 2013 18 Comments

heart-pixabayNext Sunday is Mother’s Day, the day that used to be all about showing appreciation to one’s own mother, but which has now become a giant mom-fest, celebrating the glory of motherhood for all mothers, and everyone’s supposed to get on board.

Well, not me. And not because I’m a bitter, jaded, non-mom, either!

Even before I had any clue that I would never become a much-lauded mother, I thought this universal celebration of motherhood was odd, kind of like celebrating a loved one’s birthday by saying “Happy Birthday!” to every stranger on the street. Surely the point of Mother’s Day was to acknowledge my mum, thank her for being a good mother, and treat her to something she’d appreciate? (Such as three bags of compost, delivered to her back garden, which is what she prefers over flowers that eventually die; she’s such the pragmatist.)

During the “infertility years” Mother’s Day was a nightmare. It felt like, for an entire month, the world was making a point of highlighting what I didn’t have, who I wasn’t, and what I would never be. When people wished me a happy Mother’s Day I wouldn’t know what to say. I’d just stare at them open mouthed, while in my head I was thinking, “Happy? What’s to be happy about? You have no idea the hurt and sadness you’ve inadvertently caused me and I have no way to make you understand.”

I think the low point of that period had to be the year Mr. Fab and I unwittingly tumbled out of bed and shuffled around the corner for breakfast at our local cafe. The servers were handing out roses to all the mothers there. When our server asked me if we had children, I shook my head. “Oh,” she said, and walked away with my rose. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so utterly desolate and ostracized in my life. After that episode, we made a point of only eating at home on Mother’s Day.

I know I’m lucky that I get to avoid all the hoopla because my mother and siblings live in a country that celebrates in a different month. I also know that many of you will be forced to go out to family events and celebrations, and put on a big smile, because the day is “about mom, not about you.”

If you need a little moral support and a plan of action to face next Sunday, please take a look at the Dealing With Social Landmines eBook. You’ll see it there on the right-hand sidebar or you can download it here.

If you’re struggling with moving on, or if you feel the need to commune with other non-moms this week, please join me tomorrow for a free video workshop, Letting Go of the Dream of Motherhood. I’ll be tackling the subject of knowing when to let go, and taking the first steps. You’ll also have the opportunity to chat with me, ask questions, and meet fellow blog readers. Even if you can’t make it live, the workshop recording will be sent out the following day so you can watch on your own time.

To join the workshop, please sign up here.

For now, I wish you strength this week and hope you’ll make certain to be good to yourself, too.

Filed Under: Childless Not By Choice, Infertility and Loss Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Join the Movement…Changing Infertility’s Vocabulary

April 22, 2013 3 Comments

NIAWThis week is National Infertility Awareness Week and every year Bloggers Unite invites bloggers to write on a theme. This year’s theme, “Join the Movement…” got me thinking about how my vocabulary around infertility has changed over the past years and how this community has facilitated that change.

Before I discovered my own infertility, I knew very little about the topic. I’d heard of people who “had problems” and new about some of the medical advances that were being made. I didn’t know anyone who was infertile, so I made assumptions about what infertility was like. Some words that might have been in my vocabulary back then are:

Sadness

Blame

Desperation

Others

I was sure that infertility was something that happened to other people and would never happen to me, but life has a funny way of proving you wrong, and I soon expanded my vocabulary. My new words included:

Silence

Isolation

Frustration

Shame

I had no one to talk to. Infertility doesn’t make for polite dinner table conversation and even the most open-minded people find themselves at a loss for what to say, when the “I” word comes up. And we all know that oftentimes people say the most insensitive and unhelpful things just for the sake of saying something.

I think the most unexpected part of infertility was the complete and utter isolation I felt. I didn’t know were to turn, what questions to ask, and I certainly didn’t have a female peer who’d been through the experience and could share advice or support. I hung around for a while on some online forums, but anytime someone “graduated” and announced a pregnancy success, instead of feeling hopeful for my future, I felt like a big, fat loser. I added new words:

 Broken

Defective

Useless

Incomplete

If I was an outcast while I was trying and failing to get pregnant, I felt like a total pariah when I decided it was time to stop treatments and make peace with a life without children. Even though I knew it was right for my husband and me, I felt like I was giving up, that maybe I couldn’t have wanted it enough in the first place, that maybe the next time could be the time it worked, and that I was walking away when I’d been so close to success. And I felt as if I would have to defend that decision because no one would understand.

 Weak

Quitter

Selfish

Kid-hater

Then I started writing about my experience. I put aside my shame and silence, ignored the fact that I’m ordinarily a very private person and even something of an introvert. I started blogging and wrote a book and now I’ve found myself new vocabulary about infertility:

Community

Compassion

Healing

Support

 I’ve even added:

Friends

Laughter

Fulfillment

Normal

And that last one’s a biggie. Because of the wonderful women I’ve met through this site, I feel normal. I don’t feel ashamed; I’m not a loser, I’m not a quitter, and my life isn’t meaningless because I don’t have children. I’m just a woman who went through a bad experience and found a way to get through it intact.

So, if there’s a difference I’d like to make, it’s that we change the vocabulary around infertility, that we stop pointing fingers (especially at ourselves), and that the conversation about infertility outcomes openly includes the option of a life without children.

***

If you’re new this site, thanks for stopping by. The Bloggers Unite challenge for this year is to “talk about how you are making a difference in ways large and small in the lives of people with infertility.” So, here’s what we’re doing at Life Without Baby:

  • We are a community of beautiful and compassionate women from all over the world and we are childfree-not-by-choice.
  • We talk openly about coming-to-terms with not having children and share with one another support and advice.
  • We have a members-only forum where we can talk to one other securely and in privacy (and we’re over 1000 members-strong now, so there’s always something going on.)
  • We have a small but growing library of free resources, including books, guides, and videos.
  • We offer workshops and programs to deal with grief, healing, and the what’s next?.
  • We even get together in-person sometimes with our newfound friends.

If you’re trying to conceive right now, we’re probably the last people you want to hang out with, but should you decide to explore the childfree option, we’ll be here and you’re always welcome.

 ***

Join us for a free event:

Tuesday, May 7, 6:00pm PST

Letting Go of the Dream of Motherhood

How do you know when it’s time to let go of the dream of motherhood? How do you know if you’re ready to walk away and start coming-to-terms with a life without children.

In this free one-hour video discussion, I’ll talk about the desires and fears that keep us on the baby-making crazy train, and the desires and fears that can help us to step off.

You’ll have the opportunity to ask questions as well as talk to one another through a simultaneous chat function.

The group will be private and only open to registered participants, making it a safe place to talk about this difficult topic.

If you’d like to join me, please register here to receive access details and the follow-up recording, in case you can’t make it live.

I look forward to meeting you then.

Lisa

Register now.

***

 You can learn more about the disease of infertility and National Infertility Awareness Week at Resolve.org.

NIAW 3

NIAW 2

Filed Under: Childless Not By Choice, Current Affairs, Infertility and Loss Tagged With: , , , ,

It Got Me Thinking…About Reading Material

April 12, 2013 14 Comments

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

I’m 26 pages into my book club’s selection for the month when I discover the novel is, in part, about finding a “cure” for infertility. Is there no escape? What the fruitcake?!

Miracle babies, a mother’s love for her child, a happy ending in the form of a pregnancy. Yeah, yeah, I get that the joys, challenges, and heartbreaks of parenting are parts of life. But they aren’t part of my life. And while I acknowledge that I am possibly a wee bit oversensitive when it comes to these topics, I am also feeling over-inundated by mommy-focused stories on the news, in magazines, in movies, and all around me. When it comes to the books that I choose to read, I should be able—and allowed—to avoid them.

So I’m returning this particular book to the library and debating whether or not to attend the discussion. Meanwhile, I need some suggestions for great reads. I like adventure, mystery, and history. I love a strong female heroine and a narrative that has some humor. I can get lost in stories that include travel, cooking, interesting characters, and challenges overcome. Fiction or nonfiction, I devour both.

There are two book groups in our Life Without Baby community, and I’ve taken note of their suggestions. Check them out at LWB Book Club and Book Lovers. Now I need yours. Read any good books lately? Let me try that again: Read any good books that have nothing to do with babies or mommydom lately? If so, give us your recommendations in a comment.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree (and the irony of this post is not lost on her).

 

Filed Under: Childless Not By Choice, Guest Bloggers, Infertility and Loss, It Got Me Thinking... Tagged With: , , , ,

Whiny Wednesday: Kid Hater

April 10, 2013 15 Comments

Whiny_WednesdayOverheard outside my local café last week:

“I have three kids and I hate all of them.”

Can someone please explain to me why this jack@$$ gets to have the privilege of being a parent when so many lovely people I know (including myself) don’t?

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s got you spitting nails this week?

Filed Under: Childless Not By Choice, Whiny Wednesdays Tagged With: , , ,

Whiny Wednesday: Equality

March 27, 2013 8 Comments

Whiny_WednesdayI don’t usually get political on this blog, but the recent Marriage Equality discussions have been pushing my buttons. I am strongly pro-gay marriage and am often dumbfounded by the arguments cited by opponents.

 

One morning last week, I heard someone on the radio saying (and I’m paraphrasing) that the constitution supported equality for like situations, and gay marriage and heterosexual marriage could never be equal because of the inability for gay couples to reproduce.

 

This pushes two of my buttons:

 

1)   As part of a straight couple who cannot reproduce, I take extreme exception to this suggestion that a marriage is only acceptable when it produces children.

2)   I know several gay couples who have reproduced via sperm donor, surrogate, or adoption. Is this person then suggesting that any marriage—gay or straight—that doesn’t produce children “naturally” falls into the category of unacceptable? Surely not.

 

It’s Whiny Wednesday. I’m on fire this week. What’s pushing your buttons?

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Current Affairs, Infertility and Loss, The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes, Whiny Wednesdays Tagged With: , , , ,

Infertility Girl

March 18, 2013 10 Comments

typewriterLast month I interviewed author Jennie Nash about her new novel, Perfect Red. Before she was known as a fiction writer, Jennie wrote a book about her battle with breast cancer. The Victoria’s Secret Catalog Never Stops Coming is a wonderful book and has been a big success for Jennie, but she doesn’t talk about it much anymore. “I didn’t want to be “Cancer Girl” anymore, she says.

When I meet new people, they usually ask one of two questions: “Do you have kids?” or “What do you do for a living.” Eventually either of these two questions leads to the same awkward conversation about Infertility Girl.

When people ask me what I do for a living, I happily tell them I’m a writer. The next question is always, “Oh, what do you write?” Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly strong and confident, or if the person feels like an empathetic type, I’ll tell them about my book and this site, and that I write a lot about coming-to-terms with not having children. More often than not, I find myself offering a blurry answer about writing articles for websites, which is also true, but not the whole truth.

It’s not that I’m ashamed of what I do or the subject on which I write. It’s just that I don’t want my childlessness to be the first thing people know about me. I don’t want to become Infertility Girl.

When people ask me what I do for a living, I want to be able to tell them “I’m a novelist.” The only problem with this is that I’ve yet to finish a publishable novel. (And any of you writers out there will probably read between the lines that I have two full and two half manuscripts hidden in a drawer, not yet fit to see the light of day.)

So, a decision has been made. I need to finish my novel. This year. And get it published. Which means something’s got to give.

So, beginning this week, I’ll be posting to the blog only three days a week instead of five. Look out for me on Mondays and Whiny Wednesday on Wednesdays (I wouldn’t dare take that away!) Kathleen’s It Got Me Thinking… column will move to Fridays and there will still be guest bloggers making appearances at various times.

I’ll admit I considered starting a new blog about writing a novel, but even I could see the futility of cutting back on one blog to make time for writing, only to start up another blog! Just know that I’ll be taking notes for the future.

Is Life Without Baby going away? Heck, no. It’s just playing nice and sharing brain space with something new, and giving Infertility Girl the chance be Novel Girl as well.

Filed Under: Childless Not By Choice, Current Affairs, Infertility and Loss Tagged With: , , , , ,

I am Not Made of Glass

March 14, 2013 8 Comments

broken glassBy Just Jinny

I found out some great news this weekend. One of my very good friends is finally pregnant. She and her husband have been trying and trying. So I was thrilled and over the moon to find out that it has finally happened for them.

The news also brought to light another issue. How others expect me to handle the news of another pregnancy. Dealing with infertility sort of puts you in a position of always “handling” the fact that someone else is pregnant and you are not.

My friend, bless her heart, was nearly in tears sharing her happy news with me. It’s a bittersweet thing. She didn’t want to hurt me. I get that and I love her for it. And when I shared the news with my mom I could see the concern in her eyes as well. It got me thinking about how others might expect me to react to the news that someone else is pregnant. I wanted to help other people understand what it feels like for me to deal with these emotions.

I am not the type of person to cause a scene. I’m not going to fly off the handle in anger, or in a rage, or in a sobbing heap on the floor. That’s not to say that I don’t get angry, or cry like a baby…I just usually do it in the privacy of my own home. Being constantly depressed, sad, or mad about my “condition” isn’t an option for my state of mind. For me, the only option I have is to be OKAY and to keep going. Some people might think that makes me strong. For me, it’s just my reality. I don’t break down. I don’t give up.

But, I’ve been trying to think of a proper analogy to relate how I do feel when finding out about someone being pregnant. I want other people to be able to try and understand. And I found the perfect example!

Finding out that someone else is pregnant is like having a Charlie horse. It sort of creeps up on you, and then for just a few moments the pain gets so intense that you can’t move. You think it will never go away or get better and that your world will never again be anything but you curled up in bed with that pain. But then the pain does start to lessen, and gradually it fades away until finally you feel normal again.

That is exactly what it feels like for me. Of course, I feel a little pinch in my heart. Of course, I may be a little down and pensive for a moment. It’d be weird if the news didn’t affect me somehow. But, this thing, this infertility thing, will never bring me down for good. Childless or not, I am blessed and highly favored. I have a wonderful life, with a wonderful husband, pets, family, and friends. Infertility will never, ever beat me. And any pregnancy will be celebrated as it deserves to be. Every child is a blessing, even if it’s not mine.

Just Jinny lives in the wilds of West Texas in a love cottage with her rockstar husband, two dogs, and two cats. She blogs about her daily musings at A Girl in the Real World.

Filed Under: Childless Not By Choice, Children, Family and Friends, Guest Bloggers, Infertility and Loss Tagged With: , , , ,

Giving a Voice to Infertility

March 8, 2013 2 Comments

Producer, Irina Vodar

Filed under F for “Forces to be Reckoned With” I guarantee you’ll find Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos. In case you’ve never come across Pamela, she’s the dynamo behind the award-winning book Silent Sorority and the newly revamped blog of the same name.

 

And now she’s part of the advisory board behind a new documentary about infertility that hopes to lift the stigma around that topic.

 

Pamela writes:

 

“How can we talk about infertility, how can we help someone process infertility if we lack a common language or socialized behavior to do so?”

 

You can read an interview with the documentary’s producer, Irina Vodar, in Pamela’s recent blog post.

 

This project needs support, so please also take a moment to leave a comment on Pamela’s post and answer this question:

 

What’s been your experience with infertility, and why do you think this documentary needs to be made?

 

I’ll look forward to seeing this project come to life and giving a voice to what so many of us have dealt with in silence.

 

Filed Under: Childless Not By Choice, Infertility and Loss, The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes Tagged With: , , , ,
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