Mother’s Day was strange this year. Being on lockdown meant not having to navigate many of the usual landmines, but I know that probably did little to make the day easier for you. I hope you made it through the weekend relatively unscathed. So, do tell:
How did Mother’s Day go for you?
How did you handle it? How did it go? What went well? What didn’t? Let us know the good, the bad, and the flat-out ugly.
Well every year, I usually avoid social media for a few days starting on Mother’s Day, then I can avoid all the posts from my friends with little ones. (Older children and adult posts about moms don’t bother me-mainly just the babies and the pregnant bellies). But, it seems this year, that when I logged back in after my hiatus there were still unending posts and continuation of posts and photos, etc, making the rounds a few days later. So I guess maybe I’ll make Mother’s Day a whole week off in the future?
I actually went off social media about a year ago, after our miscarriage (which is one part of a series of cycles through ivf). The visuals of the bellies, the newborns etc just are very confronting and of course the frequency of the photos etc makes having a baby look so easy. It seems to happen so quickly to most other people.
Having said that I am still on some chats through WhatsApp etc with different groups of friends which I feel it would be rude to leave. (?)
This year the night before Mother’s Day a post from one girl about putting weight on during isolation led another women (6+ months pregnant) to post a photo of herself with her belly (& her two year old poking out from behind her). She looked amazing and it hurt more than I had expected. So I ignored the chat for a week and didn’t wish everyone a happy Mother’s Day (& then felt like a bitch for doing so). It’s hard.. you feel torn for not being polite and sending a sweet message back (like some other of my friends did) you wonder what they’ll think of you, but then you feel what you feel.
Honesty time. And I’m gonna be ranting a little, so be ready.
It felt so good not having to go to my brother’s house. May is a pretty crazy month in my family, with my birthday, my nephew’s birthday, my dad’s birthday, Mother’s Day, all within two weeks. It felt like a nice break from having to answer the questions of when I’m giving her grandchildren, a nice break from lying straight to my mother’s face and laughing off the subject. The phone call to my mom was pretty uneventful, with an empty promise of seeing her when this crisis slows down. I love my mother so much, but I can’t tell her any of my troubles because I know she’ll worry. That’s what’s really tough, not being able to tell her all things I wish I could be able to.
The bigger problem is though, like I mentioned my birthday was two weeks ago, and I just turned 30. Trust me, I can hear you, “You’re only 30. You got time. Some people try into their 40s to have kids. The time will come for you. Don’t worry.” I’ve said it all to myself countless times. My husband and I have been TTC for almost 2 years, had diagnostic testing done, was ready to try treatments, and then this whole crisis happened which put our plans on hold. Well, this Mother’s Day hit me like a ton of bricks. I kept thinking of all the things I had dreamed about by the time I turned 30. I ended up ugly crying to my husband. I let it all out. He was (and always will be) an amazing partner. He held me while I cried. I told him I felt so guilty for feeling like this. I told him I didn’t want him to think I wasn’t appreciative of all the things we already have. Our dog and cat and house and the life we’ve built so far. I don’t want him to think that it’s not enough. And I felt so guilty about all the people who are effected by this crisis, that there are people struggling so much more than we are, and I’m only worrying about a baby. It feels so minuscule to all that.
But I gave myself the day, to let it all out, to wallow in self-pity and self-doubt, and I think it was better for me overall. The past couple days have been much better than Sunday, so I’m over one more emotional hurdle. Hopefully the next one doesn’t hit me as hard.
And I read a really good quote, that I hope helps you, “Telling someone not be sad because others have it worse is like someone not be happy because others have it better.” Please remember that your feelings are valid no matter what anyone else is going through, and try not feel too guilty about it. Lots of love to you all, Emily
Thank you both for your posts. I also take a big social media break, with a few days before Mother’s day and a few after. In the past we would go see my mother in law and at times my mom. My mother in law passed away a year ago, and with the health crisis, my Mom was fine with no visitors, though I was relieved to not deal with my family, having more time at home was tough. It’s been a while for us, but what has been tough, we adopted an infant privately and the birth parents changed their mind. So my husband and I made the decision together to not fight this, but then literally had to return him to an attorneys office. This happened 8 years ago, and although we decided we couldn’t pursue that dream more related to what happened to us, Mother’s Day is tough . This year I felt Ilike I was using my coping skills to get thru it, trying to be a brave soldier maybe not to upset my husband , but the day after and the next, kept crying after work, and feel sadness. My step mo called and we were talking and she says well I know your not a mother or grandmother but you are a Godmother how was Mother’s Day? I wanted to tell her the truth but I didn’t, she wouldn’t understand and she up in age. I know she meant nothing by it, but when your hanging on by a thread, those triggers can get you. Sometimes I want to beat myself up saying how come I’m not farther along. But there have been changes, such as being happy for a few nieces who were pregnant. But the other thing about this I never thought about was when I was going thru infertility my friends were raising their kids and dint have much time, now they have more time but it’s about the grandkids! Ugh! I never even thought about that, yikes! Anyways, being kind to myself, and not beating myself up are key. The wound reopens from time to time, sometimes a little ouch, or so,metimes it feels like major surgery.but I am grateful for blogs or people who get it. Thank you so much Lisa for the blog and all you have taught me and the resources you have provided, I am forever grateful. For having the courage to write about your experiences so I didn’t feel so alone. Much love and good luck in your next endeavor! Xo.
Mine went worse than I wanted it to, and better than I could have imagined. If that sounds like a paradox, let me explain. I was dreading Mothers day because on top of it being the worst day of the year for people like us in general, it was on this week last year that the worst experience of my life happened, and I have some major PTSD from it.
The day came, and unfortunately it wasn’t possible to avoid it altogether. My mom, and my husband’s are still around, so we have to celebrate them. Also, we have been doing live ASL interpreting videos for the deaf of our church’s services, and there isn’t anyone else who can do it, so we had no choice.
I held it together pretty well. A couple things were said in the service that stung, like “No other love is like a mother’s, it’s the deepest love a human can have.” or whatever. bleh…
Then, just when I feel like I’m going to make it without any major meltdown, someone on FB decides it’s a great opportunity to announce their pregnancy. I don’t know why, but I feel like this will ALWAYS trigger me. I fell into a deep depression. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep. My husband was so understanding, even though he had hoped to go do something like kayak or hike. By the end of the day I had picked myself back up, but the old ache was still there.
Then came Monday. I was fine, but the ache still haunted me, and I still felt down. That night, a woman who I have only known for a few months, and not even that well, with the whole Covid thing putting a hault on any hanging out, texts me to tell me something is at my front door. I go and find a wonderful little care package, with the sweetest note, saying she knows yesterday was hard for me, and she’s there for me, and thinking of me. I SOBBED. For one thing, I had been bottling it up. For another, the gesture was so unexpected and wonderful, I couldn’t hardly believe it. And lastly, the stark contrast between this event, and the events of last year was so astounding that I couldn’t help but laugh and cry.
Dear Women; I hope the presence of a man on here isn’t too unwelcome. I joined over a year ago and haven’t visited in a long time. I’m back today because I’ve hit rock bottom because I got an overjoyed text from my friend that he and his wife are having a 2nd baby. I’m desperately seeking connection with anyone who knows what I’m going through. I don’t share with family. It feels good to chat with strangers.
I’m 50, never married, no kids. I’m not infertile. My engagement to the most wonderful woman in the world finally ended a few months ago because we didn’t agree on having children. I naively thought she might change her mind, or that I might eventually get over the desire. She got pregnant very young and raised her son alone with no help from the father. She did an amazing job. Her son graduated college with a French degree, joined the Marines, and is now a police officer. Understandably, she doesn’t want kids at age 44, by any means.
So, Father’s Day is next weekend and I dread that day probably as much as you all dread Mother’s Day. I owe it to my good Dad to go home for a visit. He and my brother-in-law will get cards and their favorite meals from my Mom and Sister. My cousin lives nearby and she’ll come over with her adorable 1 and 3 year old babies. And I’ll go back home alone to contemplate what life without baby means for me.
I replied to my friends news about his wife’s 2nd pregnancy this time and finally told him how I feel. He hasn’t answered me yet. Should I have done that? What is your opinion? Should I tell all my friends and family to stop sending me Christmas cards every year with pictures of their perfect children?
I quit social media years ago largely because I got tired of seeing all the posts about my friends children. Little by little I’ve shrunk into a world that avoids playgrounds, couples with children, and the like. But it’s like swimming in a pond that is drying up in the desert. My avoidance of all things that remind me of my grief for being childless is making my world so small. I’d love to hear some advice from people who can relate.