By Geneva Fox
I have been thinking about “fitting in” lately. I have accepted that I do not fit into society’s conventions. Most of the time, I am fine with that. Sometimes, I am reminded of this fact with such force that I feel as if all of the air has been sucked out of me. This usually occurs when I am reminded of my former life as a wife who desperately wanted to be a mother.
Several days ago, I was having a conversation with my friend about some problems a mutual acquaintance was having with his children. My well-meaning friend said: “And you want that?! You’re lucky you don’t have kids!” When she saw the look on my face she asked me if I had considered adoption. In my former life, I had not only considered it, but I had pursued it. I have asked myself again and again what that dream was all about. Why did I hold onto my marriage after so many colossal deceptions by my ex husband? Most important, why would I even consider adopting a child with him when I knew in my gut he was lying about having read the parts of the books I had marked for him about the adoption process and transracial adoption? These are the answers that I have come up with:
1) There is a deep urge in my soul to be a mother that I cannot explain even to myself. That urge is now a whisper and a shadow of what it once was.
2) My ex husband was my first love. I believe in true love. I wanted to believe he would change if I did. That was a huge mistake.
3) I wanted desperately to be normal, to fit in. I wanted to be married, own a home, and have children in order to be like every one else. I had not ever had this experience and I wanted it very badly. Giving up the pursuit of that life is the hardest thing that I have ever done.
These are the facts about me: I am 44 and childless. I live with my mother and my boyfriend who is 13 years older than me in a double-wide trailer that is in need of many repairs. I own a business. I am a full time college student. From an outsider’s point of view I am sure my life could seem pretty dim. It does not fit.
This is my truth: I am happy. I feel comfortable in my own skin. On most days I have a great deal of serenity. I don’t worry about my future. I no longer stress about my finances. I am madly in love with my boyfriend. I love who I am on the inside and most of who I am on the outside. I do not doubt that I deserve the best. I do my very best to be of service in all situations and relationships everyday. I am kind. I enjoy living immensely!
In regards to fitting in, As Dr. Wayne Dyer said: “The road most traveled is one that will allow you to fit in and feel accepted, but it will never allow you to make a difference.”
Perhaps the greatest gift we can give the world is giving up fitting in and taking the path that truly belongs to us. If I am able to make even a small difference on my path through the world then I am truly living life to the fullest!
Geneva Fox is embracing her childfree status. She is a business owner, full time college student, and writer. She leads a beautiful life with her boyfriend, family, and friends in Ruckersville, VA. Her blog, “A Beautiful Life” is at GenevaFox.wordpress.com