Following your response this Whiny Wednesday post, I decided to add my own two cents to the adoption discussion.
When I would tell people I didn’t have children and the topic of infertility came up, they would often ask if I’d considered adoption. Can I tell you how hard it was to keep my sarcasm at bay and to not answer, “Adoption? Really? No, I’d never thought about that. I’m so glad you brought it up.”
But now I’m in a better place I can answer that question easily and in a more friendly and helpful way. I’m doing it today, not for those people who want to make sure I’ve thought of every avenue, but for those of you on this site who might be thinking of adoption and wondering why I didn’t do it.
My answer could be very complex and I could talk about how our adoption options were limited by age and finances, about how much more complicated and heart-wrenching the process was than we’d expected, and about how we didn’t have the emotional strength to risk being matched with a child who could be snatched away again in an instant. But having some distance from that time in my life, I see it more simply now.
We didn’t follow through with adoption because we hadn’t yet dealt with the loss dealt by infertility.
During our adoption training we were warned about the importance of resolving our infertility before diving into this new avenue, but at that time, I didn’t want to hear that. Now I think it was perhaps the most important piece of advice we were given. Adoption isn’t the next logical step on an infertility journey; it’s a step off that road and onto another completely different path. But the infertility journey still needs to be brought to a resolution. You still have to work through that grief.
When we ventured into adoption, we didn’t fully understand this. Perhaps if we’d taken some time to heal first, we might have been better equipped to deal with that wild emotional rollercoaster, but we didn’t, and we weren’t, and that’s the way that story went.
I know that some of you are still weighing your options and making some big decisions. My story is unique to me and my opinion is based solely on my experience, but I hope hearing it helps you.
Most people do not have to admit that they want their own biological child. When you go through infertility that’s a question you must answer. I was the unlucky one that had to “voice” this desire, but quite frankly, this is the same desire that everyone wants, they just do not have to voice it!!
I wanted to be pregnant, I wanted to give birth, I wanted to see myself and my husband in our child…just like everyone else- only the fertile world never has to admit this to themselves or anyone else! I wanted what everyone else wanted/had but yet I was told I was selfish because I didn’t want to adopt.
The people in my life who had adopted were honest and loved me enough to tell me to take a breath before I ran to adoption. They were honest about how it’s not the same as having a biological child. I am thankful for this advice and for them being so courageous to share this truth with me! It’s the people who have NOT adopted that have the attitude when you tell them adoption is not for you…funny isn’t it?!
I agree with you 100%.
You have expressed this so well. Adoption is not worse or better, but it is a different journey.
Love this comment
So, we had the experience of going through infertility treatment, doing IVF, doing donor egg IVF, then doing donor sperm IVF, and having it all fail — then going down a domestic infant adoption route that we felt prepared for having shed genetic material one at a time… only to have the process be so heartwrenching and so difficult after so many years of losses and disappointments that we basically had nothing left after a couple of years. Our ability to live in the “in-between” was cut short by how long we spent trying to get pregnant medically. We had so many people say, “what about foster care adoption?” and it got exhausting to keep explaining that we’d gone through so much loss that the idea of having a child in our home who may or may not get to stay with us, and may or may not go back to a trauma-filled situation, was just too much emotionally for us to handle. Not that any of the people who said “what about foster care?” had actually done anything with foster care themselves.
In some ways, I wish I had let go of biological parenthood (even just the carrying bit) earlier so that I’d had more energy and wherewithal to give to adoption. It’s brutal. It can work out so beautifully, but the waiting and the rejection and the complexity is a whole different beast than infertility treatments. I think it’s a great option, but it definitely isn’t right for everyone and what you bring into it in terms of emotional exhaustion can definitely impact the endurance to “stay in the game.” Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic, important for people to know that adoption is NOT an “easy fix” to not being able to have biological children.