Following your response this Whiny Wednesday post, I decided to add my own two cents to the adoption discussion.
When I would tell people I didn’t have children and the topic of infertility came up, they would often ask if I’d considered adoption. Can I tell you how hard it was to keep my sarcasm at bay and to not answer, “Adoption? Really? No, I’d never thought about that. I’m so glad you brought it up.”
But now I’m in a better place I can answer that question easily and in a more friendly and helpful way. I’m doing it today, not for those people who want to make sure I’ve thought of every avenue, but for those of you on this site who might be thinking of adoption and wondering why I didn’t do it.
My answer could be very complex and I could talk about how our adoption options were limited by age and finances, about how much more complicated and heart-wrenching the process was than we’d expected, and about how we didn’t have the emotional strength to risk being matched with a child who could be snatched away again in an instant. But having some distance from that time in my life, I see it more simply now.
We didn’t follow through with adoption because we hadn’t yet dealt with the loss dealt by infertility.
During our adoption training we were warned about the importance of resolving our infertility before diving into this new avenue, but at that time, I didn’t want to hear that. Now I think it was perhaps the most important piece of advice we were given. Adoption isn’t the next logical step on an infertility journey; it’s a step off that road and onto another completely different path. But the infertility journey still needs to be brought to a resolution. You still have to work through that grief.
When we ventured into adoption, we didn’t fully understand this. Perhaps if we’d taken some time to heal first, we might have been better equipped to deal with that wild emotional rollercoaster, but we didn’t, and we weren’t, and that’s the way that story went.
I know that some of you are still weighing your options and making some big decisions. My story is unique to me and my opinion is based solely on my experience, but I hope hearing it helps you.
Thank you, we are in the midst of this struggle now ourselves, except now we are much older and realize that it might be too late to pursue surrogacy, egg donation, adoption. If we had a limitless bank account, perhaps…. :-/
I follow this page mainly because its makers and readers agree that accepting the fact that you will never have children of your own is a process of deep grief.
A form of grief hardly understandable to the people around you, not even the closest ones.
A grief that is really difficult to share because it is a theoretical one, so to speak.
As a childless woman, you are frequently confronted in daily life with assumptions (mainly expressed by other women) like “What a selfish decision to put your career first”, “Well, you have time for that, of course, I have children to mind” or – the most hurting one – “Sorry, but you will never know what love or life is really about unless you have a child. You will never know what caring and responsibility really mean.”
Mind you, caring for old people can teach you quite a lot about life, too. It is just not instagrammable and you do not get as many followers as you do for posting toddler pics.
Just to be clear: It is not my duty as a woman to have children if I choose otherwise, but it is not correct to simply assume that a person without children is someone who never wanted children.
I am going to give my best to enhance the situation for working mothers but I expect working mothers (and non-working ones) to respect me as an equal human being and to respect my sorrow, too.
Perfect, Ulrike. Beautifully put.
Thank you for sharing. Your insight is always so valuable and better worded than I could ever do.
I love the part Lisa wrote about healing your infertility wounds before adoption. I thought adoption would cure my infertility wounds or take care of this desire. My mother hasd foster children also and zi knew I did not want to go that route. But we went private adoption and that is risky, but it was the best decision we made at the time. I had spoken to our birth mother every Monday night for months. So a lot was invested. We agreed that once my husband and I would have the baby we would send pictures, but did not want an open adoption for many reasons. It was touch and go and after a long phone talk and bringing our son home, the birth mother changed her mind. We had a tough decision to make but chose to return the baby to her. It was the absolute most traumatic event that has occurred to me and my husband. It’s been almost 8 years since this event. We did decide not pursue anything else after this Re; continuing. To adopt or foster or any of that. We were both devastated but it was much worse for me. Most of the time today, I have accepted being childless not by choice, but holidays are around the time of his birthday I can’t help but think about him Nd wonder how he is. This is only my story and my experience. There a lot to adoption, I would recommend doing your research about the many different types or options of adoption. It is a big decision to make. Thanks for the outlet to tell my story and listen and encourage others . We have all been thru a lot.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry you had to suffer this terrible loss. There is so much about the infertility journey that is not understood by people who haven’t experienced it, and this risk of further loss is one that is so often overlooked.
Sending big hugs to you.
I love the part Lisa wrote about healing your infertility wounds before adoption. I thought adoption would cure my infertility wounds or take care of this desire. My mother hasd foster children also and zi knew I did not want to go that route. But we went private adoption and that is risky, but it was the best decision we made at the time. I had spoken to our birth mother every Monday night for months. So a lot was invested. We agreed that once my husband and I would have the baby we would send pictures, but did not want an open adoption for many reasons. It was touch and go and after a long phone talk and bringing our son home, the birth mother changed her mind. We had a tough decision to make but chose to return the baby to her. It was the absolute most traumatic event that has occurred to me and my husband. It’s been almost 8 years since this event. We did decide not pursue anything else after this Re; continuing. To adopt or foster or any of that. We were both devastated but it was much worse for me. Most of the time today, I have accepted being childless not by choice, but holidays are around the time of his birthday I can’t help but think about him Nd wonder how he is. This is only my story and my experience. There a lot to adoption, I would recommend doing your research about the many different types or options of adoption. It is a big decision to make. Thanks for the outlet to tell my story and listen and encourage others . We have all been thru a lot.
This was beautifully written, often times in my journey of infertility and pregnancy loss I get worried that people are going to say “well, why don’t you just adopt?”. Or why are you putting your body through so much or spending so much money when you can adopt….it’s not that easy and not as clear cut as people make it sound. Thank you for putting some of our feelings into such great words.