It’s Whiny Wednesday and this week we have another hot button topic suggested by a reader:
The men who wasted our fertile years
Whether it’s the relationship you fought hard to make work, the “perfect” man who never quite grew up, or the spouse who suddenly decided fatherhood wasn’t for him.
If you have one, you can whine about it here. If not, the floor is open, as always, to all topics in whinification.
I hate when people post things on the FB like “my kids aren’t just my children, they are my everything.” So does that mean I have nothing?!? Perhaps I just need to think that they have empty lives if their kids are their everything.
An excellent point of view!
(I hate this remark as well).
I think it’s the reverse, too. My cousin married a woman who did not want children. She asked him to get a vasectomy, so he obliged. There were complications with the surgery post-op, so now, even though the procedure could be reversed, he is shooting blanks. He and his wife split up last year. He would have made a great Dad.
My DH did not want to pursue treatment. Now, I’m 45, and it is too late. One of the things that still sometimes eats at me, is “what if?” I had not had one for a long time, but last night, I had a dream where 2 of my friends (one of which is child free) who are my age or a year older, were pregnant. I woke up needing to check their Facebook page and feeling like the last person on earth to never achieve motherhood…. (just the feeling, I know I’m in good company.)
I was not in a good place in my twenties so I found myself in neglectful, and abusive relationships. So I feel those years were completely wasted. But when I married at 31 I didn’t see why we couldn’t conceive because my mother had me and my siblings in her late 30’s and my sister had her son at the age of 35, so I’m still perplexed at my inability to conceive. I can’t help but think if I had started earlier I would have children now but I wasted all those fertile years with losers.
This is my story too.
My ex is still a child. And now I’m ill with a chronic debilitating disease so I dont want them now. Current boyfriend is wonderful but had vasectomy after his ex had 2. Questions them. They are horribly selfish just like her. Sometimes I resent her being allowed to have and ruin his only children. Hes 50 and doesn’t want anymore and I’m at peace with it moat days. I cannot waste the energy it would require to wonder about my whatifs
Interesting, IrisD. I had a very similar dream a few nights ago…
The man I live with I met when I was 39 and he was 44. He had two teenagers and didn’t want more children. I chose to stay in the relationship and I don’t regret it though it’s sometimes hard and I don’t blame him for anything though I envy him a lot, so there are hard feelings there.
Then I do blame myself, because I have caused myself so much pain just being who I am.
I couldn’t have done differently, and I’ve begun to accept that now but still have a lot of forgiving to do.
I married at 34 to a man who is 6 years younger who always said he wanted children. But then I got an academic job in the South (I”m white, he’s non-white) and he hated it and refused to have mixed race children in such a racist part of the country, and he was also angry at his failure to get employment, and angry at me as well. By the time I was 39 I knew I’d never have children. I was too spineless and afraid of hurting him and and our families to leave him when I had the chance to keep pursuing the academic career that I had always wanted, and have now given up on. My advice to other women out there facing the same chance/choice to break away from someone who is holding you back from anything you really want? Go for it!
We waited too – we wanted to be more settled financially than we were in our late twenties/early thirties. Now in our forties, I do sometimes think ‘what if we started trying earlier in our marriage’ but deep down I know it wouldn’t have been the right time back then and can’t regret our decision. And Iris, like you said after your dream, I do sometimes feel like the only woman I know in my age group without a child. Of course I know that I’m not, but it is definitely a feeling I get because in my daily life, I am surrounded by people with children .
Like you, we waited. And then I had two ectopic pregnancies in my late 30s, early 40s. Who knows if we’d tried earlier whether I would have been able to have children. Maybe, but then, maybe not too. So there are times I feel guilty that my husband isn’t a parent because I wasn’t ready in my 20s. Fortunately, he doesn’t feel that he wasted his life with me. (I don’t think so at least). But just like you, it wasn’t the right time for me back then, and I/we made the best decision, based on all the facts we had at hand, at the time.
I feel that guilt sometimes too. It pops up now and then when we are around couples our age who have children. I wondered if anyone else felt that way and thought it might be a good Whiny Wednesday topic.
Hello all – I know it’s Thursday but I still need to vent.
First off, let me start by saying I’m 30 married to a 66 year old man. Like many marriages, our marriage has its ups and downs but for the most part we have a great relationship in spite of our age difference. We’ve been married for almost 5 years and I can’t imagine my life without him. He has 3 older kids (older than me, even) from a previous marriage but, as a couple, we have remained childless. Our childlessness is in part by choice and by situation. By choice because I have not felt the urge to have a baby and I don’t want to assume the financial responsibility having a child carries. But it’s also situation because my husband got a vasectomy done after his 3rd child was born, which can be reversed but I worry about him raising a child at his age. He is OK either way, and I’m very thankful he doesn’t pressure me into anything. I also live away from home, I’m from Panama, and live in Los Angeles and that means I have no family or close friends near me. The thought of having to pay childcare and have no backup when/if I need it, really frightens me. All my friends who have kids back home, have the grandparents, aunts, and tons of people shipping in to help and even then, they still complain it is a lot of work. I just can’t imagine doing it all by ourselves when we both work full-time.
However, just because we’ve made a choice to remain childless, it is still a difficult choice to make. And even though I truly am OK with this choice and think I can still have an amazing, fulfilling life without kids, I can’t help but wonder what would my life look like if i did have them. What if I had married a younger guy, what if by now I already had kids… These fantasies give me equal parts sorrow and joy but in the end the only think I’m sure about is that I’m not sure I want to take on the extra work it takes.
Ok, so now for the venting part… Yesterday, I had lunch with a group of coworkers, some of whom I barely know, but we got together for a business lunch to discuss “business”, or so I thought. We started making small talk and one of them asked if I had kids, and I said no. My other coworker sitting next to me said “I keep telling her to get a puppy so she can get used to the idea and then have kids”. For the record I love dogs but I still refuse to get one because I don’t need the extra work in my life. So then first co-worker went off on this monologue of how much she thinks having kids is the best thing in life, that she herself delayed having kids but she’s so thankful she had them at 39…blah, blah, blah. It just really made me feel so inadequate for not wanting to make that choice. As if I’d be less a person if I don’t. Later when we got back, this woman sent us all an email with a discount coupon for free online math lessons on a kids’ website, everyone cc’d in the email have kids, so she HAD to write “Sorry, Mary, you’ll get a discount coupon when you’re ready”.
Seriously lady, how insensitive of you. I barely know you, you barely know me. You have no idea of my situation, you have no idea if I’m infertile or not, you have no idea if my husband is infertile or not, you have not idea if I have the financial means to raise a kid, you have no idea if I’ve tried to have kids but had a miscarriage, you basically do not know anything about me, yet you still feel you have the right to tell I SHOULD have kids. I couldn’t help but feel sad for her ignorance and for all the childless women (not by choice) who have to put up with all the insensitive people out there. Wow, just wow!!
Thank you ladies for this safe space to share. The struggle is real but joy is always so close and easy as taking a deep breath and feeling blessed for the life ahead. Ice cream and chocolate help too. 🙂
Hi BOrt,
Glad you found us here. You’re definitely not alone.
I’m so sorry about your insensitive co-coworkers (because let’s face it it, none of them showed much tact.) It’s amazing how people seem to think they know our minds and hearts better than we know our own.
Sending a big hug out to you.
~Lisa
Hi Lisa,
Thanks so much for the support. I’ve been reading your blog for a few months and all the comments and entries have really helped me. Knowing there’s a group of women out there with the same struggles makes me feel less dramatic about it all. I wish everyone here nothing but the best. May we all create happiness in our own quirky ways.
B
While I have been a part of this community for some time, I have not shared my story because I worried I didn’t qualify. I don’t know if we have infertility problems. I am 34 (35 in October) and my husband is 36. We have been married for 6 years. My husband refuses to go to the doctor. He is so certain that our problem is him. He told that he believes he has been literally “kicked in the balls” too many times and that he is infertile. I see no point in going to the doctor and having lots of tests done, if he won’t. We do fight about this. I just want to know–good or bad. His stubborness is so selfish, but I love him. There still may be time, but with our poor financial situation and his refusal to seek treatment, I am trying to accept I may never have children.
Hi, Erin! I felt the same way when I first started my infertile blog. I’m going on 36, hubby is 43 and we don’t know if there are anything wrong with us because hubby didn’t want to get tested. But then again there may be a chance that they can’t find anything wrong with us and then it may make me feel even more frustrated. I started the preliminary blood test, but then decided to stop. We’ve now surrendered to life without children.
Amel, Thank you so much. I feel better that someone else understands my situation. To make matters worse, last night I found out that friends of ours who have had infertility issues, are pregnant. I wish the best for them, but I am still angry and sad.
Hi Erin,
I’m glad you shared your story. We have all walked different paths to arrive here, so don’t worry about not “qualifying.” We’re all dealing with the same issues no matter how we got here. 🙂
When we first started trying, we assumed my husband was the problem. I was advised to be tested to be eliminated as the issue, but we were so sure it was him (he had a vasectomy reversal) that I didn’t do it. I wish I had as it would have saved us a lot of heartache and frustration.
I came on here and I was so upset to see this topic that I had to weigh in. I don’t come here very often. Just every once in a while when I need support. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING out there for men who are in this situation. So, here I am.
I would be considered one of those men that you are talking about because I have a genetic issue that I don’t want to pass down to offspring (mine is a dominant gene. 50% chance of passing on).
I feel like such a failure as a husband because of this. My wife denies this and when I apologize to her for failing her, she says I didn’t. I still cannot shake this feeling. I know she wanted to be a mother so bad, even more than she wanted to be a wife. I came along and ruined it for her and I can’t shake the shame and the guilt I feel for this.
I don’t think we “waste” our fertile years when we’re with the right person. In my case, we are not sure which of us (maybe both?) has the issue, but I still feel those stabs of guilt sometimes for not giving my husband a child. He’s never said anything like that to me, but I find that those thoughts come if we’re not communicating at our best. I think as long as you keep the lines of communication open, your relationship can become stronger. It’s not always easy, but there’s lots of support here.
Hi Joe,
I’m so sorry if this post was upsetting. That definitely wasn’t my intention. Many female readers have talked about partners or spouses who have had a change of heart about children late in a relationship. That’s very different to making a difficult, conscientious decision with the right person, no matter what the outcome. There is no blame placed in that situation. I would rather have gone through infertility and come out without a child, but with my husband, than to have gone through parenthood with anyone else, even though I desperately wanted children. It sounds as if your wife feels the same way.
I hope you’ll feel welcome here as you are right about there being few places to do that.
Warm wishes,
~Lisa
Hi Lisa. There are very few places and EVERY place is geared toward women. I have found NOTHING for men. This is why I am here.
In my situation, I have a genetic condition (see my original message). I was told in no uncertain terms that my only choice was to get a vasectomy. This is because there was no genetic marker found that I knew of at the time . And, even if there was, I am pro life so getting pregnant, genetic testing, and abortion was not an option. I did not do it right away, which made my mother upset. I did have the procedure done just after our sixth anniversary.
We discussed other possibilities. I was scared out of adoption by Baby Jessica, Baby Richard, and the movie “Losing Isaiah” (all situations where adoptive parents were forced to return the adopted babies back to their biological parents). We looked at the possibility of embryo adoption/donation and even using donor sperm. We never could come to an agreement. It’s too late now.
Hi Joe, we have male factor infertility, which my dh knew about, but never discussed with me. After, he did not want to seek treatment. We met when I was 23. I am 45. In all fairness, i could have ended our relationship, settled for someone else, etc., if children had truly been a priority, but they were not. He was. The strong desire to have kids did not happen for me till i was in my late 30s. I will be honest, there were moments during my baby craze when i was angry… But i think my circumstances are very different from yours. I think this is something he should have been able to talk to me about. This year, my dh nearly died. He was in critical care for over 3 weeks. This was a wake up call for me. I am not saying, i don’t have my triggers… Moments when i still feel bad about being childless, but that experience certainly put life in perspective for me. If you have not been, be open with your wife about your feelings and concerns, and don’t be afraid to explore options for family building. Discuss those well. But at the end of the day, know that life is so very fragile, so live it well and be happy.
Joe, I’m so sorry for the pain and sense of profound loss that you and your wife struggle with. My own husband is able to conceive, but did not want to try treatments or adoption because of the fact that he was in his fifties when we married. Although I have since had a hysterectomy (so it is a moot point), for years, I struggled with his unwillingness to “climb every mountain” to try and achieve parenthood. Having said that, even in our situation (where he had a choice, so to speak), I never felt he failed me, and I have always and will always cherish our marriage. I would imagine that your wife’s reassurances are authentic, but I know that this doesn’t make it any easier. Please know that your presence is welcome and appreciated here, and that you have our full support. Thanks for weighing in and much grace and healing to you on your journey.
Hi Andrea,
I know my wife’s reassurances are authentic that she believes I did not fail her). Despite that, I still cannot shake the feeling that I did.
One question, I know you don’t feel that he failed you. Does HE feel he did?
Hi Joe,
Thanks for your response. That’s a good question about whether my husband feels he failed me. I don’t think that he does. We met later in life–I was in my late thirties and he was in his late forties, and because of this, the expectations were a little bit different. Our attitude toward having children was more, “if it happens it happens.” I think I had already determined, by this age, that I might not have children, and when we met, I could see that he was focused more on financially preparing for retirement than for having a child. Nonetheless, we did have a few midlife surprise pregnancies (followed by miscarriages) that he was open and receptive to. I think his perspective is that, while he has empathy for the pain and longing for children that I have experienced, he feels it was more an issue of the timing and circumstances around when we met, than anything that he feels at fault for. His thinking tends to be empathetic but also practical and strategic. It sounds like your circumstances are quite different. I can understand that you did not, at the time, want to open yourselves up to further disappointment. Adoption and embryo donation have certainly led to further heartbreak for many couples.
I should say, *seeking* adoption and embryo donation…as when one is actually able to succeed in these areas, it can clearly work out quite well for many people.
Hi, I am now 39 and my husband is 45 years old. He has an 18 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I was 30 when we met and had always assumed I would one day be a mother. I gave my all to be the best stepmother I could be (she lived with us) but she rejected us 3 years later and we were devastated. Although we have tried for a baby a couple of times, each time my husband starts to fret and get depression. (His daughter was a surprise pregnancy) He then admits he feels too old to do it all again. I think he has deep fears he will lose me and any possible child, as it happened before. I love him very much and would not leave him just to be able to try and find a man who wanted a child with me. Now as I approach the age where the door will close on that option, I realise how much it really meant to me. I never chose not to have children, I just didn’t chase it so hard I would give up the man I love to do it. But the most heartbreaking thing is how hurt I still feel at my stepdaughter’s total rejection. She has re-written history in her mind, removing any happy memories of time spent with me and my husband together. I gave my early 30s to help raise this child who’s mother moved out leaving her with her father. Now I will never have my own children, even if I left the man I love, I am too old to find another great relationship and then get pregnant. The grief is renewed from the loss of her each time she makes hurtful contact and multiplied many times as it reminds me I will never be able to be a mother and as a stepmother was rejected. I know I am not a failure but some days my emotions do not believe me.