By Lisa Manterfield
“I take pleasure in my transformations. I look quiet and consistent, but few know how many women there are in me.”
~Anaïs Nin
There’s an idea going around that not having children somehow makes us “less of a woman.” I don’t subscribe to this idea.
As this quote by author Anaïs Nin states, I am many, many women, and “mother” is only one element of me.
I am a writer, friend, wife, cat mama, reader, thinker, curser, fighter, nature-lover, spider catcher, traveler, cook.
All these women are fluid. They ebb and flow in me as needed. And when one of them isn’t able to fulfill her purpose, the others quickly rally to fill the gap, so I am always whole.
I am never less of a woman.
I’ve never actually left less of a women, but have always felt I’m on the outside of being like other women. If that makes any sense… 🙂
I agree with you completely Candy. It makes perfect sense to me.
Never felt less of a woman or a failure as a woman (though I have felt I failed). I also feel I’m outside of women’s groups.
The failure and emotions I feel are connected to not achieving my dream not to being a woman.
I agree as well. It’s not about not being a woman for me, but about not having that connection one has when they have children. I too feel left out of the club, and knowing there is not one chance to know what it’s like, is what really depresses me.
I totally agree! For me, it felt like I was being left behind, like everyone was moving ahead with life and I was stuck in the mud. I’m starting to get over that though, thankfully. That’s a terrible way to feel about yourself.
I would agree that not being a mother somehow seems to make it more difficult for some women to relate to me. But I certainly do not believe that I am any less of a woman because I don’t have a child. I have often said that “I am more than my uterus” and that belief helped me get through those rough early days when I left fertility treatments.
It’s good to see that not everyone agrees with the ‘less than a woman’ thought process. Me on the other hand…over the past year I have constantly felt less than a woman.
I’ve never been a feminine female – I love sport, I drink pints of real ale, I hate and rarely wear make-up…and talk of how to wear your eyebrows this season instantly sees me running to the door. However, when I see other women with their children I do feel less than. The sense of failure and shame is magnified when I see other women’s successes.
It says more about me than anyone else…and is something I will work on as I deal with my grief, but at the moment I just feel less than in so many ways.
I sometimes feel less than. This post comforts me.
And oh joy…. Another pregnant women at work today… How many time must I act excited???
I’ve felt less than all through my infertility journey (17 years) and prior to this even – i think it was only around 2 years ago that a good friend woke me up to this finally – I am more than an ability to bear children. However, it has been something I work on daily and only genuinely started to believe in more recently.
In the beginning I definitely felt less of a woman or failure for not being able to bring a child into this world. The tough nut of this is seeing woman have kids that are not. mother material or never wanted them.I was at Father’s Day and my oldest brother said when a child was crying, I’ll give you something to cry about. And without missing a beat I said Happy Father’s Day! I r read another book called I am more than my infertility, which was helpful. But when I’m out or at coffee there are times I feel locked out of the motherhood clubhouse. At those moments my go to is what is wrong with me? How come I’m not more evolved , this should not bother me. But the end of the day, sometimes it does. My husband was telling me a story about his co worker talking about his new baby,and the other guy in his dept was discussing g pediatrician so with the new Dad. My husband came home and was mentioning hoe he did not want to hear about it. I empathized and said welcome to being in my world where that is all women talk about. A wise person said to me feelings are not facts, they just are. This has been very liberating for me, so I do t have to judge how I feel, try to accept it. Thanks for the thought provoking question! Hugs, Supersassy
I remember a line from Maybe Baby, when the main character (played by Joely Richardson I think) said, “grief over not being able to be a mother is a uniquely female experience.” I liked that. We’re all ALL women.
As are the men who suffer from infertility too. I look at my husband, caring for his parents and standing up to responsibility, and consider him just as much a man as his brothers who are fathers. If not more so, if not a better man.
And who said that being a mother – or wanting to be a mother – makes you more of a woman? It’s all so much rubbish imposed by a judgemental society. Yet we feel it, we feel less … till we don’t. And I don’t. Not now. Not at all.