Even the most festive among us has to hit holiday burnout at some point. And if you’re trying drum up your holiday spirit and keep coming up empty, you may have hit this point sometime around Halloween.
So this week’s Whiny Wednesday topic is simply:
The Holidays
Feel free to unleash your inner Grinch…or not.
Its having too many expectations that causes disappointment in my experience.
For the past 3 years we have traveled, and it has saved my soul. Prior to us traveling for the holidays, I found myself in a very dark place. I couldn’t bare to sit around and feel like my life was not as complete as other who have children. When we travel I feel like I am in the present moment and am distracted from those feeling of depression and sadness. However, I still have not opened any Christmas cards that I know will have pictures of a beautiful smiling family.
In the time we were still trying to have children via the normal way or with medical help I didn’t have as much of a hard time because I felt hope, this year is different. I haven’t put up any Christmas decor and really don’t intend to. This is our first year of “not trying” since we’ve been told its not gonna happen so everything is still really raw and emotional. The last five years since we’ve been married I was determined to send out our christmas card with just the two of us on it, trying to combat the Christmas cards from friends and families with their happy families or worse yet, just their kids on it. I kept telling myself, we are a family too and we are fun and happy and deserve to have our own Christmas card. Now I just don’t care, not sending anything out and not opening those cards from family and friends. I still don’t get it how people send out Christmas cards loaded with their kids pictures and none of themselves, Seriously I’ve been friends with you and you live far away I want to see your photo, not just your kids pictures. Argh
I am not doing Christmas cards this year. I feel awkward and weird to send a regular card while everyone sends family photos. It’s a reminder I do not have a family.
Quite agree with pictures of children on the card – I have been friends with my school pal for 40 years. She moved to USA when we were 10, she had a son and I’ve seen her twice since she left. Her card has her husband and son and I’ve no idea how she looks and if she is enjoying herself!!! Argh. It also makes me mad when people have babies and change their face book profile to their son/daughter. I stop following their posts immediately. This is from people who know our struggle and they still don’t get it, not even one little bit. I am still shocked. We are going away for Christmas this year skiing – 21st to 30th, it feels good and I feel less bothered by all the “who’s coming Christmas day” natter – I’m gonna be out here – its sort of passing me by this year, but I’m doing the social stuff – going on any lunches, dressing up and drinking wine. It helps. This is my first Christmas without any hope, although I think I knew last year and that was the hardest. Perhaps I am on my way to peace.
I am waiting for the holidays to be over with. I feel worthless this year. No children to shop for, go see Santa, lights festival, get them dressed up for pictures. I have a hard time enjoying the holidays.It’s been a hard year I can honestly say this Winter has been the hardest to date. I want to speak on what the ladies said regarding Facebook friends. Jane spoke on people changing their profile picture to their child’s photo. Not on;y that but the 3-d ultrasound profile pics..All through the timeline is ultrasounds, pregnancy symptoms,due date calculator, week by week fetal development etc. I have not deleted them yet, but I have hidden the updates of those. One of those friends was one who use to be childless. She got pregnant this year and is due this month. She said she thinks she “will give birth on Christmas. What better Christmas gift can you get. Fact is I am the one not meant to have a child. She said she is gonna show me pics of her baby girl once she is born.I don’t have the strength to face it. Not long ago she messaged me sharing her baby names and pregnancy hormones (seriously cringe worthy).Are conversation was extremely awkward and focused on her pregnancy.I didn’t want to be rude so I listened and responded.. I didn’t want her to think I was jealous. Although deep down I was. I am thinking of deleting her off of my messenger soon. There is another associate who is trying to contact me. She hasn’t talked to me in years and now wants to contact me, to tell me she is now pregnant and ask if I was pregnant yet. I feel like screaming and crying. I must sound terrible but there is just not much more I can bare. I don’t go on Facebook much and really feel my post are inferior. Since I don’t have baby blessings to share. This is the reality I was afraid of but I’m here now.
Hi Tina – I’m so sorry – I think this is so insensitive of your friends. You do not sound terrible, I completely understand how you feel and want you to put you first. You do not need to feel you need to listen to this. I stopped seeing a friend many years ago with the same thoughts and feelings as you and I didn’t give her an explanation nor an apology. I just stopped going around (we didn’t have facebook then). I felt guilty for years but know that I had to do it. I believed I would get in touch when my situation changed – sadly it didn’t. Her husband bumped into me years later and told me how much I had hurt her! Now I can see that I wasted time being thoughtful and listening to all their “joy” and disregarding my feelings. when I poured this out to my counsellor (still troubled a decade later), she said “I do need to explain my feelings or justify them to anyone – they are mine”. I no longer feel any guilt about “dropping” this friend. She is not actually a friend. I think you do need to be honest with these friends or “un-follow them on facebook” and give yourself some space. This is hard to do but they are not helping you.
Oops – “the important point in the line above should say” “I don’t need to explain my feelings or justify them to anyone”.
My whine is the spreading of the holiday experiences that are shared online and in conversations as “requirements” with kids and become one more thing to miss out on…now it’s not just Christmas day, but the “traditional” trip to the pumpkin patch, then tree farm to get a tree, Santa mall visit, cookie baking, elf antics, etc…unfollow, unfollow, unfollow!
I’ve unfollowed a huge junk of my “Friends” on FB for these exact reason. I’m hoping after some time has passed and I’m in a different place emotionally I’ll be able to follow them again but right now I just can’t take it anymore.
Magnolia, Jane, I totally agree. I have friends who send me a photo of their kids every year (which doesn’t bother me much anymore), but I haven’t actually seen THEN in well over 20 years! :p
MC, sometimes I am relieved that I never had children… the expectations seem to just keep ratcheting up & up & up, and holidays are already busy & stressful enough as it is, it seems. The whole “Elf on the Shelf” thing drives me nuts… not just the creepy surveillance aspects, but the idea that the parents (i.e., Mom) has to think up new & ever-more creative things to do with the damned Elf, for an entire month, year after year after year. I wrote a blog post about it a few years back:
http://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.ca/2013/12/elf-yourself-p.html
I have learned to feel for photos in cards and I know when it is just a photo card. I then promptly throw them away. I have noticed the new theme is people including photos of grandchildren now. Really? Like I care? I feel like emotional scabs get ripped off over and over this time of year. It actually starts with Halloween. It is my favorite holiday and I long for being a part of it with the child I always thought I would have. The ongoing holidays just prolong my grief.
I am waiting for the holidays to be over with. I feel worthless this year. No children to shop for, go see Santa, lights festival, get them dressed up for pictures. It’s been a hard year I can honestly say this Winter has been the hardest to date. I want to speak on what the ladies said regarding Facebook friends. All through the timeline is ultrasounds, pregnancy symptoms,due date calculator, week by week fetal development etc. I have not deleted them yet, but I have hidden the updates of those. One of those friends was one who use to be childless. She got pregnant this year and is due this month. She said she thinks she “will give birth on Christmas. Wow! What better Christmas gift can you ask for. She said she is gonna show me pics of her baby girl once she is born.I don’t have the strength to face it. Not long ago she messaged me sharing her baby names and pregnancy hormones (seriously cringe worthy).Are conversation was extremely awkward and focused on her pregnancy.I didn’t want to be rude so I listened and responded.. I didn’t want her to think I was jealous. Although deep down I was. I am thinking of deleting her off of my messenger soon. I feel like bawling . I must sound terrible but there is just not much more I can bare. I don’t go on Facebook much and really feel my post are inferior. Since I don’t have baby blessings to share. This is the reality I was afraid of but I’m here now.
Hi Tina – I have posted on your post further up, please check that out – I think my responses get delayed in “spam”. I really feel for you – don’t feel bad for feeling the way you feel. The magnitude and loss of infertility ripples deep and far for many years and effects us in so many ways, not least our self esteem. You are important and worth so much more than you know at the moment. Please keep checking this site for ways to get through and know that you are not alone in how you feel – it is normal to feel jealous and frustrated and above all – “loss” and sadness. Things will improve – sadly we need to go through the grief and loss. I’ve let months go by where I don’t check facebook – my friend recently closed her account (she is a successful women with two bright teenagers) – she said she had had enough of facebook! I also had a single mum friend “unfriend” someone because she was fed up of her “perfect life” and successful children rammed down her throat every day. So don’t feel guilty about needing a break from some people or facebook.