I just returned from the mall where I dropped another small fortune on graduation gifts. Which brings me to this week’s topic:
Buying gifts for other people’s children
Whine away, gals, and feel free to chime in with whatever is grating on your last nerve today.
Last Sunday I attended one of my friend’s son graduation party. I know them for many years !! “Somehow” I was left out from the many, many family pictures that were taken.
I just got a selfie with the graduate, after my friend told me to hurry up and take a picture before the graduate would change his cloth.
The rest of the day went smooth till a pregnant woman appeared in the scene. Her forth child, this one, after 11 years. And that was it. The conversation shifted to her pregnancy….OMG !
Still people don’t get that I don’t know about morning sickness or cravings, etc. why do they ask me about that???? I have usually nothing to say and then I move to another side of the party ! Best choice, I guess !!
So sorry Analia – yes, definitely get away to another conversation as soon as you can! Be as blunt as them if need be! I am still astounded at the insensitivity of it all. I hope this shifts – at least we have understanding among ourselves. I have one or two very close friends who I have confided in over the years – yet I have still been staggered by the words that tumble out form them at times. For the people who are close to me – I turn it around and try and look at it another way (after I’ve ranted to myself for a bit). For people who are not so dear to me – I’ve let them go (given myself some space – doesn’t have to be permanent).
So sorry Analia – yes, definitely get away to another conversation as soon as you can! Be as blunt as them if need be! I am still astounded at the insensitivity of it all. I hope this shifts – at least we have understanding among ourselves. I have one or two very close friends who I have confided in over the years – yet I have still been staggered by the words that tumble out form them at times. For the people who are close to me – I turn it around and try and look at it another way (after I’ve ranted to myself for a bit). For people who are not so dear to me – I’ve let them go (given myself some space – doesn’t have to be permanent).
So sorry Analia – yes, definitely get away to another conversation as soon as you can! Be as blunt as them if need be! I am still astounded at the insensitivity of it all. I hope this shifts – at least we have understanding among ourselves. I have one or two very close friends who I have confided in over the years – yet I have still been staggered by the words that tumble out form them at times. For the people who are close to me – I turn it around and try and look at it another way (after I’ve ranted to myself for a bit). For people who are not so dear to me – I’ve let them go (given myself some space – doesn’t have to be permanent).
I don’t mind doing this for nieces and nephews. But I don’t do it at all for any one else’s kid.
My whine today is how my sister ex can still have custody of their kids. They have 50/50 custody. He just beat his new baby mommy and prevented her from staying on with 911. He has done other things in the past that should have denied him custody but if the courts don’t grant custody to my sister now there is something wrong with the system.
I don’t mind graduation because i only have my close niece and nephew to worryabout and its not often these events pop up especially since im in a different state .. but what does annoy me is when people invite me to their random kids bday parties each year and i have to buy a gift so often .. or i just simply dont go! Especially because i dont have a child of my own to give back! 🙁
My wgine is unrelated to the topic. I’m just sick of the judgement. That comes from being childless. Its an anomaly in society, if you don’t have kids. Whether married or unmarried society says. You need babies,because everyone else has them. If you don’t I will make you feel terrible for not having them. Its awful because I can’t just go and get pregnant.On a whim Like every other woman can. Im soo angry and hurt right now. Terrible Feeling.
You’re in good company here, Tina. We know how this feels, and we know that “terrible feeling” of anger and hurt. You’re not alone.
Tina, i can say that I 100% relate to this .. Heck, if we had the chance, i’d have about 2 children right now .. each word you said i could relate to .. it’s so sad how we are treated and not understood. there needs to be more awareness in society
When confronted by what I felt were societal judgements about my life or situation, I developed a certain dose of essential arrogance…. Stuck my nose up in the air and looked down on the stupid little smug people that believed they had suddenly found the answers to life ‘s questions and meaning by reproducing. Give me a break. I encourage you to do the same, and if you don’t feel it, fake it! Don’t let them bring you down. Each second of your life is valuable.
I avoid virtually all events for children (that’s just still where I am in my grief). But I usually still send a gift for landmarks (baby shower, 1st birthday, graduation). I take a little flack occasionally for handling (or not) things this way. That doesn’t bother me that much actually because I’m confident that they don’t get to tell me how to deal with it (or not). But I guess just once I’d like someone to stop and think, “Gee, this is so hard for you that you couldn’t come to my child’s [insert celebratory moment] but you went and bought a child’s gift. Wow, it must be really hard for you to wander through the baby/child’s clothes/toys/whatever.” It’s not just hard – it’s torture but I suppose I do it to make myself feel less guilty about missing said event (yes, guilt even though I know I’m allowed to handle this however I want). And, yet, the rest of the world is just focused on the fact that I didn’t attend the event.
i agree
So sorry Shana – I’ll say it ” you did brilliantly getting a gift”, its so torturous picking gifts and feeling such pain at the same time. I used to buy gifts, attend, put myself through it. One day I recall being told off for being late to the party (i was earmarked to help prepare)! What a nerve – I dropped them completely from my life eventually, best thing I ever did. I appreciate this is not so easy if you are related (my brother never had children and my husbands sister emigrated to the USA with her two girls when they were small) – it was a relief. Every year was difficult buying gifts though – at least we didn’t need to be involved. I waited over a decade for some understanding – it never came. Visiting LWB is where to get these feelings out and get some understanding – hopefully one day the community will become more aware and spare thoughts for us. In the meantime do what you need to do and don’t waste any time feeling guilty – they have no idea. Thinking of you all
I recently met up with a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile, and I wasn’t sure if her kids were going to be there, so I decided to purchase two packets of stickers for them. I enjoyed looking at all sorts of stickers in the store and decided on two that I thought might appeal to them the most. Sometimes when I’m in the children’s section of a store I can pretend for a moment that I have a child and I’m part of that “club.” Anyway, so I met up with my friend whose children weren’t with her after all and I gave her the stickers. She looked at them and then said, “they’re not really into dinosaurs, but thanks. Kids their age are more into space.” I immediately felt hurt and definitely not part of that “club” that I so longed to be in. I couldn’t imagine being so blunt in receiving a gift, so I simply replied that maybe they could play dinosaurs in space. She just looked at me like I had two heads and I really wondered what the heck I was doing there.
Oh Elizabeth – this is such a kick in the teeth. I’m so glad to see though that you have cut through her hurtful reaction with “I really wondered what the heck I was doing there”. Well done for being so thoughtful – if the children had been there I bet they would have loved the stickers.
I agree with Jane- what a lovely gesture Elizabeth. That just shows your genuine, kind-hearted nature and her narrow minded, uncaring nature. I know who I’d rather be friends with. Don’t lose who you are just because of somebody’s ugly part of their personality!
I just threw a baby shower, and I no longer seem to have a hard time buying gifts for infants, toddlers or kids. I wonder if it is because I am 48… Because maybe at my age I am craving pregnancy and babies much less than I used to. I think a part of our intense desire to have children is a biological drive and maybe this diminishes (just a theory). I know I absolutely hated this walking through children and infant departments. I felt angry, resentful, bitter… And if I absolutely had to buy something, I would just buy books… Sometimes from Amazon. I love reading and like to encourage it for kids. I recently made the decision not to buy a friend’s kid something for Christmas. After 9 years of buying gifts for birthday and Christmas, I got tired of not receiving thank yous, not being invited to parties, being the only one to initiate a phone call or to plan a get together. This used to be my best friend. Time to move on.