By Lisa Manterfield
Have you ever been around people who behave as if you can’t possibly know anything about life because you don’t have children?
I’m sure that all of us have heard the old chestnuts, “You wouldn’t understand; you don’t have kids” or “I didn’t understand until I became a mother” (which implies the same thing) or even “Only a parent could know how this feels,” as if being childless strips away all capability of empathy.
And then there are those situations where you just feel invisible, when the conversation about children and parenting is swirling around you and no one even bothers to make eye contact with you because what could you possibly contribute?
These instances make me think of the wonderful “Mr. Cellophane” number from the musical “Chicago.”
And even without clucking like a hen,
Everyone gets noticed now and then,
Unless, of course, that person it should be,
Invisible, inconsequential me.
Personally, I’m done with feeling insignificant because I don’t have kids. It took me a long time to get to this point, but now I hold my ground in conversation. I contribute when I can and simply listen and nod when I can’t, just as I would if I found myself in a conversation on any other topic on which I’m not an expert.
I also keep a list of amazing childless women in case I ever need to remind myself that we don’t need to be parents to make a difference. On my personal list is Amelia Earhart, Dian Fossey, Julia Child, and Juliet Gordon Low, who started the Girl Scout movement. If you need your own role models, Jody Day has put together an outstanding collection on Pinterest.
You’d be hard-pressed to call any of these women insignificant. I remind myself of this when I find myself allowing others to make me feel like less than who I am.
So what do you do when you start to feel like a Ms. Cellophane? Do you feign boredom, try to hop in with an intelligent anecdote, change the subject, or do you slip away and hope no one notices you’ve left?
One of my best co-workers had two littles and of course, talked about them a lot. She knew my story and knew I couldn’t have kids, but that I loved my nieces, nephews, & fur baby a ton! So, I would often chime in with stories about Maddie, making sure (at first) to clarify that I wasn’t comparing my dog to her children. It’s just since Maddie is my kid, that’s the comparison I could make. She understood and it allowed us to talk more freely and helped me to not feel so awkward.
I still feel deficient and useless and that there is little point in continuing to live without hope of producing children. However my goals as a child where to grow up, become a nurse to look after sick kids and have my own children following which I would foster. I got the nurse bit right, until bipolar interrupted my career and since then have been nothing but one of those benefits scroungers society hates so much.
I’m sorry that you are in so much pain. It sounds like you are very hard on yourself and just not in a good place. I remember feeling that way… I’ll pray that God brings you peace and that you find your joy and purpose again.
I still feel like this at 62! – From an early age we, as females are still given baby dolls to play with. Everyone said “Wait until you have children of your own” ” When you have children you’ll understand” “You will make a lovely Mother” and later in life, “How many children do you have?” Now it’s “How many Grandchildren do you have?” No one has EVER said “You know you might not have children” My whole adult life was geared up to having children – it’s still thrown in your face constantly with TV adverts, magazines etc. My only consolation is that I wrote down my feelings and experiences which I am starting to collate now I have retired. I am determined that something will be left after I die to prove I was here. Ms Cellophane – that’s me!
Penny, I can relate to your comments. I really felt that I was coping well with not having children but now at age 66 and peers my age are having grandchildren some of the old feelings of inadequacy are reappearing. The bragging with some grandparents I know is constant and I almost can’t stand to be around them. The older I get though I find if I’m a good listener I can make it through most social occasions with my sanity intact. So many people just seem to want to be the talkers.
Thankfully I’m pretty resilient, have several hobbies I really enjoy and have a few friends who also don’t have children/grandchildren so I spend time with them as much as I can. I wish everyone all the best as we maneuver through this challenging journey.
right now I am at a point again like so many times before where a) friends around me are newly becoming parents, and b) I notice that those friends who already have kids seem to drift away from me – not meaning their attention, but there values in life. When someone tells me they are having a garden party so all the neighbours walk by their house day by day get a chance to come in once a year – I know we are drifting apart. Even if I am a welcome guest at said garden party and getting lots of attention for contributing the music. The implicit hierarchy is there. So maybe I want to be Ms. cellophane to those people.
Most of the time (like Elena said) I want to be like Ms. Cellophane, i just feel extremely awkward still at this point in life .. very insecure that someone in the mommy group may say “your next” or “when will you have a baby” or along those lines .. dont know why im still in the mommy group when i am not a mom .. it’s just annoying how someone always has to bring up childrearing and pregnancy when there is me (childless and never got one positive pregnancy test) and another gal who unfortunately had 2 miscarriages and also happens to be childless) it’s like the moms are so self centered .. inconsiderate
Most of the time (like Elena said) I want to be like Ms. Cellophane, i just feel extremely awkward still at this point in life .. very insecure that someone in the mommy group may say “your next” or “when will you have a baby” or along those lines .. dont know why im still in the mommy group when i am not a mom .. it’s just annoying how someone always has to bring up childrearing and pregnancy when there is me (childless and never got one positive pregnancy test) and another gal who unfortunately had 2 miscarriages and also happens to be childless) it’s like the moms are so self centered .. inconsiderate