I’m moving to a new town soon and I’m working to establish a life there. I’ve always got one eye open for community events that I might want to get involved in.
At the farmer’s market I picked up a flyer for a group that was all about growing and producing your own food. As I will have a garden and it actually rains here once in a while, I’m very eager to create a thriving vegetable patch. I’m even considering getting chickens! So this organization looked perfect for me.
But when I examined the card closer, I saw that the group was aimed at mothers wanting to provide healthy food for their children. I put the card back on the table and walked away.
I can’t say for certain that I wouldn’t be made welcome at that group, but I wasn’t prepared to risk it. And even if I was accepted there, wouldn’t the subject of motherhood trump the love for vegetables?
As it’s Whiny Wednesday, I’m feeling bad about being left out, and whiny about how the exclusivity of motherhood infringes on all aspects of life—even the growing of tomatoes and the canning of fruit.
Do you have a whine, justified or otherwise? Today’s the day to get it off your chest.
The sad thing is in the lack of thought we feel very much excluded, isolated and that we don’t belong. But the exclusion on occasions can be self inflicted as the lady said that although she might be welcomed she couldn’t take the risk.
I think this is part of the journey of infertility. There will always be groups we would feel excluded from, some more than others. But with time you can learn that we need to be careful not to exclude ourselves. That often people are all to happy to just have you belong to a group just as you.
The thing is would you want to belong to a group where there were people who were so exclusive they were unable to adjust to the variety of people in a group and the blessings that can bring.
For the sake of your mental health please take that risk and find a group where you do belong with good people. Keep pushing through and don’t give up. A mothers group is one of def avoid, but a womens group I wouldn’t. The majority of women will prob be mothers but that won’t matter.
Don’t hide away. This must be a most common issue for many of us, whether we have experienced infertility decades ago or more recently.
I really appreciate your comment. It is timely for me. Often we avoid trying things, thinking ‘what would other people think of me?’. But at the end of the day, what does that actually matter? I think we also try and protect ourselves from what might be potentially tricky or painful situations. But often the reality is not as a bad as we expect. If having kids is ‘the norm’ we do ourselves no favours by hiding away – people need to see there are other ways of being which are equally valid and – if we let ourselves – fulfilling.
Good points there. When I was single or on times now when a partner isn’t available I would dine alone quite often and if I was fussy I would prebook a table for me. Most places had no problems with that but one did and said it was weird to do that and my reply was why? Its not doing you any harm is it not like putting others down because their choices are different to yours!
I would think why should I miss out on things as life is too short and its happening now not when you lose weight, not when you’re married as what if those things don’t happen and you have put things off until then and then you suffer the pain of unfulfilled regret of things you never did as you can’t get the time back once its gone.
The worst regrets are about things you never did rather than things you did but didn’t work out.
Surely healthy eating is for everyone not just for parents and children. I know what you mean about feeling left out as its the haves and have nots again.
I really know where you are coming from with this and totally understand why you weren’t willing to “take the risk”. Just before Christmas 2015 I looked after my god-daughter for a few weeks whilst her mother (my best friend) was working away from home. Whilst I was there it was the school’s Christmas Carol Concert so I went in “mum’s” place. I was totally ostracised. I didn’t know anyone there apart from my god-daughter and her teacher both of whom where busy with the event. One person did sit down next to me and started chatting. All went well until the inevitable “Which is your child?” question. She couldn’t leave fast enough when I said “None: unfortunately I’ve not be able to have them.” Even the Vicar left me stranded on my own. So much for Christmas being the season of good will to all men (and women)! Whilst I adore my god-daughter I’ll not be putting myself through that again.
A few years ago I attended my godson’s dance recital. I came away with a renewed appreciation for my poor dad who sat through one of them every year for 12 years. (My mom got to deal with us off and on backstage so didn’t get stuck watching everyone else.) I suppose they might be cute if they are your own kid, but to anyone else it is painful to watch – not in an I can’t have kids way, but in an OMG they are just plain awful way. I never went to another and consider not having to spend hours watching untalented children to be one of the rare blessings of not having been able to have children.
I could definitely relate, hang in there Lisa .. Often times I see events put up on my newsfeed on social media such as “mommy & me” spas days, crafting and other fun looking events .. except .. i don’t have a daughter or son to go with .. to counter I wish we had more adult oriented events and i’m sure we do but they usually involve drinking and the nightbclub scene which i am not into. sigh .. one day there will be more awareness for us
Another note I would like to add, Like i’ve always said, I love this blog ever since I discovered it last year. At least we have a place to go for our childless selves .. this is OUR club. so thank you for including me. I look forward signing in everyday and always having a good read here instead of toxic social media that makes us feel bad about our selves .. here is a place that lifts us up.
Among my friends, I am the only one without kids. Some of my friend’s children are already grown up but still….
So, most of the time (should say always) I am not part of ” their priorities” and most of the time I also don’t relate to their long conversations about their children…
I feel excluded, gradually….
I keep on praying for all of us….
yep same here… someone advertised outdoor gym classes in the area “women only”. I was kinda interested because I want to do more for my fitness but since I am not VERY fit, I’m always a bit scared to join a class. But when I looked closer the “women only” offer was a “mommy” offer – aimed at women who’d bring their toddlers along. I asked (via facebook) a couple of times whether it was women only or specifically aimed at moms – on the one hand I got the answer that I would be welcome, but then she advertised the “mommy classes” again saying “Mommys pay xxx amount less” than for her mixed classes. So wtf? Why do moms get it cheaper? And would I get it cheaper for being a women?
Needless to say I didn’t join.
Here’s another whine…. I’ve been spending a lot of time on an internet forum which unites fans of a rock band I like. A group of “forumites” has become like a little circle of friends and even though people are from places like France, England, Germany and Switzerland, some of us even managed to visit and get to know each other “in real life”.
For me it was great because it gave me a space to just be myself, a total nerd and fangirlie. I was always the oldest in the group and guess what happens. The members start to get married one after the other and now even the children and pregnancies set in. This week there was a pregnancy announcement and a wedding, all in one week!
So what used to be a safe haven for me will probably soon be deserted. Or they’ll discuss where to find the kiddie version of their fanshirts or something. meh. 😛
I find that with most activities or groups I try and join, that all of a sudden it’s more about moms, then just a class for women. Finally found my first group activity in awhile this summer that isn’t kid focused. Have been paddle boarding with a group and no kids, only a few people bring their dogs (hope to bring my puppy next summer). It’s been nice to feel included again in a group and not feel like an outsider.
Paddle boarding! I do that too. And I’m hoping I’ll have a dog soon, I just have to get things sorted out first: get a new job…
I live in Sweden, so the paddle boarding season is short. Where do you live?
OK here goes…alot of times in my past felt out of place, had the question “do you have children”, been bombarded with grandparenting pictures…of course I had none
so here I am today…New Widow who not only has no children or grandchildren but now feels uncomforable attending functions with couples…not to mentionI dont get asked many times…
Society leave many of us out…look at those eating alone and think about them, it is not fun
This happened to me. I joined a permaculture group, at a local community event, I paid my fee, put the sticker on the car. They never contacted me or answered queries. When I met up with one at another community event she said “oh we’re just too busy having babies to deal with the email!” And she just laughed it off.
omg Michelle how awful. That is so thoughtless.
Michelle,
I am so sorry for their sheer insensitivity and cruelty. I’ve stood there having crap like this hurdled at me too. It’s a blow, to say the least.