At a reunion event, the keynote speaker summed up his message with “…everything we do is to make the world a better place for our children and grandchildren.”
And I thought, “Huh. So that means everything I do is to make the world a better place for your children and grandchildren.”
I haven’t said this out loud yet, but I’m waiting for an opportunity, perhaps the next time some unthinking person accuses me of being selfish for not having children. I’d like to point out that I am not having children then pawning them off on already overworked teachers and daycare providers, expecting them to do all the parenting. I am not polluting our parks with used diapers or filling the air with fumes from my super-size, family-friendly SUV. I am not expecting other people to suck it up when my toddler screams in an airplane, runs amok in a nice restaurant, or rubs berry stained fingers into their new sofa.
On the contrary, I am paying taxes to support schools that educate other people’s children. I contribute to fund-raisers for parks, boys’ and girls’ clubs, and organizations that provide services for needy families. I take note of when a friend looks fried and offer a few hours of babysitting—no strings attached—so she and her husband can take a long-overdue date night. I attend basketball games and dance recitals, and I encourage children of varying degrees of talent simply because they are precious to me. I reach out to elderly members of my family and extended family, well aware that they are lonely because their own children are otherwise occupied with caring for their children. I remember birthdays and anniversaries, with gifts, cards, and calls, and I zip my lip when a mommy friend complains to me that she’s too busy to remember mine.
Selfish? I don’t think so. I think childfree women, as a class, are the most un-selfish people on the planet.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is feeling a little feisty this week.
Your post made me tear up, Kathleen. I agree 100%. The childless not by choice are amazing, strong, and most definitely selfless…
Hear hear!
Thank you for this post. After 4 years of fertility treatments, I am ready to move on and have been perusing blogs for support. This post hit the spot for me today.
This is right up there with “Being a mother is the highest calling” (always said with a big, understanding smile and hefty nod) which I’ve heard at church at least 3 times from a well-meaning person.
Nice to know my calling is nothing compared to hers.
Or, you don’t know what true love is until, or children are a blessing from God, or people with children telling us that we don’t realize how hard it is. I just talked to a good friend who recently broke up with his girlfriend of a few months. His reason was that he knew she wanted to have a baby (she’s in her 30s) but she gets stressed out over little things and he didn’t think that she realized how hard it is to have a kid and he didn’t think she could handle it. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him how condescending that is, (and probably not even the real reason) and my heart just broke for her.
never selfish, we did the most we could and continue to do more than them.
Well said!!!
“This got me thinking” of an actual conversation I had a couple of weeks ago with a friend about an upcoming camping trip. The background: I’m in a social running/walking/drinking club. This is a camping trip for the kids where we take them on a hike similar to what we do as adults, just watered down of course. I attended last year with my goddaughters and their Mom, my best friend. And I was inquiring about the accommodations this year because a) I didn’t really want to camp, and b) I wasn’t sure if my bestie could make it but I still wanted to go again and see my friends and their kids. Last year my friend went home after the day, but I stayed overnight in the camper trailer up the hill, and in the morning I helped cook breakfast. So I was asking if I could stay in the trailer again.
Kirk: We want everyone near the river.
Cathy: Yes I understand, but I don’t have kids, so it was nice [last year] for me to be able to slip away when I needed too.
Kirk: I get that. But, please remember this is for the kids. And them being together and bonding.
Cathy: Ohhhh, I get it. You don’t want kidless adults.
Kirk: No, that is untrue. We want one camp. We need and have stated and pleaded for childless folks to come and help.
Cathy: LOL
Kirk: Why is that funny?
Of course I never responded. I wanted to say that I did help out last year but it was not because I’m childless. It was because I wanted to. I recently saw a video about childless women in a third world countries, and in one segment, I believe it was Afghanistan, one woman was basically relegated to slave labor. It was terribly sad. And so odd to encounter a similar mindset right here in the US. It’s not limited to certain cultures, it’s a human attitude.
Sigh.
I think you should have said responded saying that you helped out last year, and not because you were childless. If we leave these things unsaid, they don’t get it.
Of course, it’s easy for me to say. I understand. And yes, sigh.
Too right. I would say that most women who haven’t had kids are selfless beings. We might have looked out for our elderly parents. We might not have met the right man but thinking of going it alone might’ve been too selfish. We have probably thought about it over and over in our minds as opposed to just popping them out.
I agree. I would group women who adopt/foster with the best intentions (meaning: they don’t abuse / use the kid(s) for a paycheck) as being extremely unselfish as well – over mothers who birth out a child.
Brava, Kathleen! I wrote a post along these lines back in March 2011, and have followed up with this theme a number of times. As I’ve probably said before, I’m caring for my BILs’ parents, whilst they are all off focusing on their own children (even when they have grown up and left home), abdicating all responsibility for their parents to us. Yeah, I’m not the selfish one. (Don ‘t get me started.)
It reminds me of the first lines of Sherman Alexie’s poem, Hymn.
“Why do we measure people’s capacity
To love by how well they love their progeny?
That kind of love is easy. Encoded.”
I’ve had a similar experience to some of you guys. I joined a women’s group on FB. It for women’s support…building each other up etc. “For women of all walks of life” Well they posted for a support group event for women with children only. In the same post they asked for babysitters and said preferably women without kids. I posted a question to clarify. I said so women without kids can babysit but not join in any of the activities.? They said yes there would be meal or something at the beginning that the women without kids/babysitters would be able to join but after that this particular activity/group was for women with kids. It was all said very politely but I got really upset with that for some reason. I thought maybe I’m too sensitive because of the infertility thing but I found that really insulting. And looking through the page I saw a lot of the activities were “bring your kid” I had to leave the group. I mean I like kids but the group was supposed to be for women from all walks of life.
Like so many other people I’m concerned about the environment.
I’ve been a vegetarian for over 20 years, now finally going vegan.
I don’t fly. I sort the garbage meticulously (you can do that in Sweden, it’s recycled or burnt for energy). I drive as little as I can. I grow my own vegetables, or try to, I’m a useless gardener. I don’t waste water or electricity. Etcetera.
It’s often said we have to save the earth for our children and grandchildren. So who am I trying to do good things for?
Maybe for the planet itself, and all the life on it, something that doesn’t seem to occur to other people.
Many want to fly to other countries, to show their children the world and I just think yeah, you fly there with the pretence of doing good for your children, I’m staying here, or going by train though it takes ages and costs a fortune, and just you don’t call me selfish!
Oh, yes. This kind of thing drives me batty. I feel sometimes like saying (and if I grow a pair I might), “Oh, so you are concerned about your children’s future, and your own line, and I can’t possibly understand that or have a stake in the future? But I care about ALL CHILDREN, not just ones I made or raised.” I feel like that is overlooked when people say stuff like “I’m just so worried for the future, it’s different because I’m a mom.” It doesn’t make sense to me. We can all have a stake in the future as human beings. And, wait, it’s okay to miss a birthday because you’re just so overwhelmed with parenting? That’s just crap. It’s like all the arguments that without children, you can’t possibly be overwhelmed, or tired, or busy. Arggghhh. I’m glad you’re feeling feisty!