I’m not a Catholic, but I have attended numerous services to support friends in their faith journeys and I am familiar with the vow in wedding ceremonies that asks, basically, “If you are blessed with children, will you raise them in the Catholic faith?” (“We will.”) It was an unpleasant surprise, then, when I attended a beautiful wedding mass and the priest, in my humble opinion, went too far.
“There are many here who are eager for you to bear fruit—as soon as possible!…May you soon become co-creators and bring many children into the world…Now that you are husband and wife, we look forward to your becoming parents…When you have your children….”
I get that the parents of the bride and groom are eager for grandchildren, but as the calls continued for my friends to procreate, I got uncomfortable, sad, and, well, angry. The kicker for me was when the priest invited us to pray for this beautiful young couple to produce babies asap. Oh, I prayed for them alright, but my prayer went something like this:
Dear God, Please be present for this wonderful man and woman. Bless their marriage. If they have a desire to have children, I pray that you spare them the heartache of infertility, miscarriages, and any other impediments to parenting. If children are not to be a part of Your plans for their future, please be a comfort and guide to them, and please soften the hearts of their family members.
I’m rankled whenever I hear someone say that “it’s not God’s will” or “you aren’t faithful enough” or some other condemnation for why good people are not “blessed” with children. I know in my heart that none of these statements are true, yet they can be so hurtful. I hope and pray that my newlywed friends never have to be at the receiving end of this kind of pain.
I’d like to hear from you. What does your church have to say about this? How do you feel about wedding vows that call for bringing children into the world? And most of all, how has your faith helped you in your journey through life without babies?
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is mostly at peace with being childless.
What you’ve described is spiritual abuse. I have no doubt it breaks God’s heart. He’s not a grandfather doling out gifts of babies. He desires a real relationship. Thankfully I don’t go to many Catholic weddings. This does explain why my Catholic cousin can’t go beyond 2 sentences without talking about her grandchildren. My own church is just the everyday mommy club stuff. Nothing like the pressure you describe. Baby making is not mentioned during the wedding.
I was raised Lutheran. Basically. ‘Catholic-lite ‘. I do not recall anything like this, but I wanted to say that I really like your prayer. Honest and heartfelt.
I am Catholic Charismatic and I love your prayer!!! The Lord hears everybody!!! Why wasn’t I able to conceive? It remains a mystery to me. The wiser I get, my relationship with the Lord grows !! Something about aging and knowing who you are in Christ.
Praying!!!
The most recent wedding I attended the minister said several times about the couple relaying stories to their children and grandchildren and every time I could feel myself wanting to shout out “if” and not “when”!
In my darkest hours I still feel those of us not “blessed” must therefore be “cursed”!
Surely a ceremony for older couples would omit all the mention of procreation?
I was raised catholic and I remember priests instructing couples to procreate. I remained a catholic most of my life, eventually started attending non-denominational churches, but the narrative is the same. I left the catholic faith for good when, after seeking help from a priest, he chastised me for doing IVF, telling me it was evil.
I have given up all forms of belief in a higher being. Belief in a higher being that has willed this situation upon me only serves to sadden me and to constantly question “why”. Put guilt for questioning why on top of that, to me, that amounts to spiritual abuse. No, I choose to believe that it’s just science. And for me the science just didn’t work out. I have more peace now than I ever had when I was a religious person because I no longer struggle with my “earthly” self and my spiritual self.
Kathleen, that is a beautiful prayer you made for your friends .. we all definitely need that prayer .. and it is so true .. i feel like the church puts so much unnecessary pressure on the couple, like why can’t they enjoy each other and see what life throws at them … they are really ignorant for thinking that children can just happen with a snap of the fingers .. ugh
What I have found amazing is that most couples go into Marriage planning on having children and raising a family and not even considering the factor it may not happen
It certainly is not addresses in Premartial counselling and that is why most couples have struggles and depressions when it doesnt happen
Most churches plan activities around families with children so it becomes hard to fit into as you progress in your marriage.
When couples begin to have infertility issues they tend to back out of church and become secluded.
It is not punishment from God to I look at it as Protection from God as maybe something I could not have handled, there are much worse things than not having children and couples need to just rely on their love and faith to see them through the entire marriage children or not.
I agree with you that couples should be counseled on the possibility that it won’t happen. But that’s contradictory to church beliefs in faith and hope. And when it’s revealed that a couple is having trouble, than everyone starts praying for them. There is simply no acceptance of childlessness in the church. As far as the church is concerned, it’s always a problem that needs to be resolved.
They just want more followers for their religion.