It’s so easy to lose myself in my grief. It starts so small as I avoid the family-focused church events and the company family picnic. At cocktail parties, when the discussions turn to grandbabies or graduations, I slip away, pretending to be invisible as I cozy up to the food table. I politely decline invitations to showers, then weddings, then milestone birthday parties. I tell myself I’d rather spend a quiet weekend at home than hang out with family or friends who might inadvertently sprinkle salt onto my wounds.
While I strongly believe in the importance of taking myself to a quiet place to work through my grief over my losses, lately I’ve been more aware of how I’ve isolated myself. And I’m starting to feel that it’s no longer healthy.
Maybe it’s time I rejoin society.
Maybe you’re starting to think about it too.
Wow. Just writing that is a little scary, but also a little exciting.
“You have a lot of life left!” I tell myself. Years, maybe decades, if I’m lucky. There are things I want to do, adventures I want to experience. There are classes I want to take, and foods I want to taste. I also have a wellspring of love to give, and it’s starting to brim over.
I think maybe I can do this.
This week I’m going to think about who I might see and what I might do. I could call up that gal in book club who I think is funny and invite her to meet me for coffee. She should be “safe”, because we’re likely to spend the whole time talking about books we love. Or I could invite one of my work colleagues, who I know also doesn’t have kids, to join me for lunch out, to talk about work stuff. Or I could call an old friend I haven’t seen for a while and see if she wants to meet up for a movie (meaning we’d barely have to talk at all).
The point is I’d be getting myself up, dressed, and out the door. It will probably take some time for me to feel fully myself again, but I’m ready to try, to ease in, to take those first small steps.
Are you ready to break out of isolation? If so, take my hand, take a deep breath, and let’s do this.
I have been isolating myself. My husband too, even from his adult child. We’ve even left our church of 13 years because it’s become so young and full of babies. We are now at a megachurch, anonymous. My mom is critically ill. I’ve been at her side every day for 5 weeks at the hospital. My dad is not handling it well. I’m his strength. Who will I have if my husband dies? This has been consuming my thoughts lately. I’m 49. I thought it would get easier. Thanks for letting me vent. I’m stuck in a pity party right now 🙁
I’m so sorry for all you’re dealing with, Becky. Sending a big hug and a few prayers your way.
Becky; I am praying for you and feeling your pain. We are with you !!!
So sorry you are dealing with this Becky, I have also been there. My advice is dont look at what your future might not be. My husband passed 16 months ago and God placed people in my life to be there for me. A young mother didnt even know me but stayed with me until he was gone.
I now participate in a widows group and we are there for each other, we have game nights
It is hard and it took me a year but I had alot of support from people in my church
I no longer look at my childlessness but I look at life because sadly many of my friends are also in the same boat losing their spouses.
My plans are right now, to travel today, to live for today, to be glad I am alive today and not look at what might not happen tomorrow because God will help me wherever I am at
I keep hoping it gets easier too. I’m so sorry for all of your stress and struggles.
Finding my online tribe has been a lifesaver. I have you, Childless by Marriage, I’m a member of Gateway Women, plus a few FB support groups. At Christmas GW members exchange Christmas cards. One of the FB groups exchanges secret Santa gifts. I know that some may find those things tiny but they help me to know my tribe cared/cares and is larger than I realize. They are far less judgemental than my family and far more supportive on this particular journey than my husband. I can’t imagine this walk without them. We come from all races, socioeconomic backgrounds and belief systems, but all that is put aside for the cause of lifting one another up. So, yes, I encourage all on this journey to find a strong support system. Deposit kindness and on those extra rough days, reach out to them, and they will be there for you.
Now that we’re past the age of “maybe-possibly-it-could-still-happen,” I’m slowly dipping my toes back into the shark tank that is baby stuff. Two couples in our friend group had babies within two weeks of each other this spring. I was the only non-relative invited to the baptism of Baby #1, and because I am really close to the parents, I sucked it up and went and was fine-ish. Tonight the parents of Baby #2 are having a sort of secular baby blessing thingy at their house, and we’re going to pop in but planning to bail ASAP once the toasts and readings start. (The entire baptism, plus cupcakes after, only went half an hour; this thing could go hours, hence the exit plan.) I’d rather skip tonight entirely, but lacking any diplomatic way to do so, I’ll deal. I’m slowly and unsteadily getting to the point where I can enjoy actual babies again, but the ceremonial context surrounding how precious they are and how “blessed” *other people* are to have them is still tough.
I’m going through a hard time. In the 8 years since I split up with my Ex and had to abandon the idea of becoming a mother I’ve tried so much to be connected, part of a community, find new friends, find a new partner. I’ve made some new friends – who became pregnant after a couple of years, it’s a blow every time. i fond some new friends who are older and will not have babies, but none, literally none of them, is single and childless. Except for the guy who told me recently that he doesn’t consider us “dating” but “friends”. So ok that is one friend, childless and single. and also a disappointement in some way. I found two very young women friends who say they are childfree. both want to emigrate. I found another woman friend my age who is single and childless. Literally, one. She plans to emigrate.
I’m really frustrated.
Hi Elena – so sorry, its so difficult. I found it very similar, in the end I had a no young female friends strategy (even those who are childfree/don’t want children seem to spring me a surprise). The only safe bet is older women, late 40s and maybe single who are generally looking for the same thing (with children grown away or at university) they want to focus on themselves again. Its hard to avoid isolation when every social situation can be painful. I have found that joining a gym and doing tough-ish aerobic workouts are the best – pregnant women drop out of these early on or they are made of stuff where the focus is less about the usual and more about the workout. My Savior is Body Combat – you get the guys going to these too! I’ve been going to our gym 8 years and its mostly been safe – one time the instructor made an announcement (I switched classes till she’d left) – do what you need to do to focus on you and protect yourself as much as possible. Thinking of you
Hi Jane, thank you for your kind comment.
well…., I don’t think I’m fit enough for “toughish aerobics”. the gym once a week and Pilates class once a week (full of mommies, of course) is what I manage 🙂 but yes, finding a hobby is not the point – it’s finding friendships that will last. I am glad to hear that I am not totally crazy when I actually wonder whether I should be friends with a woman who is sooner or later going to have a baby!