Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Tolerance

After last week’s post about the overheard conversation, I’ve been thinking a lot about tolerance and about trying to understand one another. I think that, as a group, we childless women often feel (and often are) misunderstood. We feel that people don’t think before they say things that hurt our feelings, that people with children make assumptions about the type of people we are, that employers assume that, because we don’t have kids, we are the go-to people for extra work. We’re always ready to stand up for one another whenever there’s an injustice done to one of our sisters. I love that about us.

And yet, even among ourselves, we have different frames of reference. There are those of us who are physically unable to have children; those of us who are emotionally unwilling, because of our circumstances; there are those of us who don’t have the opportunity to be parents; those of us who are childless by choice; and those of us who never had the desire for children. And even within those groups, each of us has a different story to tell about how ended up here on this site, looking for other women like us. Each of us looks at our situation through our own personal filters—just like those people out there who look through their own filters and see us differently than we see ourselves, who look at a childless person and see something they cannot understand.

So, I’m writing on a theme this week. It’s a bit of an experiment, so if the wheels fall off by Wednesday, just come back next week and everything should be back to normal. But for this week, I’m writing about tolerance. Stay tuned.

Daring to Be Ourselves

This upcoming book grabbed my attention just by its title alone. Daring to Be Ourselves! Here’s what the Amazon write-up has to say:

“This impressive collection brings together words of wisdom from many of today’s most renowned and influential women, including Maya Angelou, Jane Fonda, Gloria Steinem, Cameron Diaz, Melissa Etheridge, Alice Walker, Eve Ensler, Isabel Allende, Elizabeth Lesser, Jane Goodall, and many others. Together, their voices speak to women of all ages and walks of life, addressing issues like equality, overcoming adversity, finding balance, and being more connected to the earth. Experience the power of their words as they share their passions and struggles, life philosophies, and hopes and dreams for the future. Let them inspire you in your own life to find your voice, speak your truth, and make a difference in the world.”

Oh yes, so now I really want to read it.

But, don’t you think that “Daring to Be Ourselves” could be our tagline? We aren’t being the women that society expects us to be. Some of us can’t have children, some of us won’t have them, but we are still amazing women, still doing great things in our own corners of the world, still being our wonderful selves.

So today, I dare you to be yourself.

Poll: How Do You Get Your Kid Fix?

Some of us don’t need a kid fix (after my vacation, I’m going to be good for a while, let me tell you), but sometimes we need to spend time with young people. Do you? If so, how do you get your kid fix.

[polldaddy poll=3572957]

Defending Our Honor

Last night I almost came to blows in defense of our collective honor. It was our last meal out on vacation and we were making it a good one–crisp tablecloths, fresh seafood, flowing wine–you get the picture. The restaurant had all but cleared out as I was sampling the delectable flavors of some homemade lavender ice cream, when I caught a snippet of conversation from the other remaining table.

“He’s very selfish,” said the man, “He doesn’t have children…”

As you can imagine, that caught my attention, so I craned my neck to hear more. Unfortunately I was too far away, but I did catch this:

“Yes, she hasn’t created the next generation. She has three step-children, of course, but that doesn’t count…”

Sisters, I was this close to marching over there and setting this bunch of old coots straight. How dare they assume this man didn’t have children because of his selfishness? How dare they suggest that this woman had an obligation to procreate to carry on some family line. How dare they suggest that raising someone else’s children isn’t a worthy role?

In the end, I decided these people were a lost cause, and that it wasn’t worth ruining my lovely dinner for the sake of their education. There are some people who just aren’t going to get it, no matter what. But I think that our generation is starting to understand and to value people for more than their ability to pop out heirs.

That having been said, when I walked past their table on the way out, you’d better believe I gave them my very best evil eye.

Whiny Wednesday

Here’s this week’s whine in sentences of three words:

Ah, poor me. Slept late again. Another beautiful day. What’s for dinner? More delicious fish? Must nap again. Vacation ends tomorrow.

Sorry to rub it in, Ladies. Feel free to whine in my direction.

Spring Cleaning My Past

I know it’s a bit late in the year, but I’m spring cleaning.

Over the years I’ve been added to mailing lists and e-mail subscriptions based on my plans to be a mother. Even though I’ve moved on to a new chapter in my life, every now and then a reminder from my past pops up to haunt me.

It’s been a while since I’ve received free samples of diapers and formula in the mail, but I still get plenty of postcards for children’s portrait photographers, baby fairs, and parenting classes.

I’ll be unsubscribing myself from the e-mail lists of Babies R Us, Adoptive Families, and my former acupuncturist. It’s not that these reminders send me into any kind of emotional turmoil; I just don’t have a use for their products and they’re cluttering up my Inbox. So it’s time to say “Goodbye.”

Have you done a spring cleaning on your past? Or are you still not ready?

16 Things You Shouldn’t Say to a CNBC

I’ve been cruising around the Internet looking for interesting sites to share on this blog. There are plenty of good ones out there, but I’m finding myself drawn to blogs that have humor, with just a tinge of bitterness thrown in.

La Belette Rouge has just such a blog and I found myself laughing at this post: 16 Things You Shouldn’t Say to a CNBC (childless not by choice.) Granted my laugh was the type you blow down your nose with your lips pursed, rather than an all-out belly laugh, but sometimes a laugh is a laugh is a laugh.

Confessions of A Childless Daughter

I have a confession to make.

My mother doesn’t know about this site.

She’s just now finding her way around the Internet, so it’s probably only a matter of time before she finds me. I’ve even sent her and e-mail with the link in my signature, but either she hasn’t twigged on, or she’s too polite to mention it.

When I was back home in England this past May, I promised my friend that I would tell my mum about my blog, but even when she asked what I was working on, I chickened out. It’s like being 14 again and trying to pluck up the guts to tell her I’ve been invited to a party with a boy.

But I’m not 14; I’m 40, so why can’t I tell my own mother about something I’m really proud of—this website?

Do any of you suffer from being unable to talk about yourself, your work, or your childlessness, even to people you trust?

A Very Bon Voyage

I’m getting ready to go on vacation. (Hurray!) I have plane tickets and hotel reservations.  And that’s about it. The night before we leave, we’ll throw what we think we need into a suitcase, add half a dozen books, and go. The details of our trip, i.e. how we’re going to get around between our various destinations, where we’ll eat, what we’ll do, will all unfold in good time. Right now, I’m too tired to fuss with those kinds of details. If there’s something important we’ve forgotten to pack, we’ll buy it when we get there (the reason I own a large collection of phone chargers and power adaptors.) Passport, credit card, phone–all we really need.

It’s this kind of loosey-goosey traveling that make me appreciate not having children.