Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

It Got Me Thinking…About South Korea’s Childfree Leader

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

With all the scary reports coming out of North Korea, I all but missed the news that South Korea elected its first female president, Park Geun-hye. This is a huge world event! History-making, ground-breaking, even thrilling, and I’m encouraged that this can happen in a country that ranks #108 in the World Economic Forum’s gender-gap rankings. All politics aside, I am excited to see women making progress on the international leadership stage.

I am also inspired by her personal story: Both her mother, Yuk Young-soo, and her father, former president Park Chung-hee, were assassinated. The current Park has devoted her life to serving her country. (Read more about Park and her historic win here.)

She’s able to do this, she stated in a press conference, because “I have no family to take care of and no children to pass wealth to.” Yup, she’s a chero (a hero who happens to be childfree)! “You, the people,” she continued, “are my family and your happiness is the reason that I stay in politics.”

Will she be a successful president? Time will tell. For now, I am somewhat reassured knowing she will face some daunting challenges—challenges that could affect all of us—without the “usual” distractions.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

Whiny Wednesday: M-Day Post-Mortem

Whiny_WednesdayI survived Mother’s Day relatively unscathed.

In a testament to how far we’ve come on our journey of coming-terms with infertility, Mr. Fab bought me flower and vegetable plants for my garden and told me they were a Mother’s Day gift from the cat. This is the first time he’s been able to say something like that and the first time I’ve been able to hear it without one or both of us sliding into a dark place. I call that progress.

I saw additional progress when we decided to go out for gelato and I noticed a sign announcing their Mother’s Day offer of a free scoop for moms. I decided I was okay with that, that it was a nice gesture, and that there was no need for me to kick up a stink about cruelly excluding those of us who didn’t get to be mothers. I ordered the two flavors I wanted and left it at that. And then…

“Do you want a third flavor?” asked the young, unsuspectingly girl.

“No thanks,” I said.

“We’re offering a free scoops for moms.”

“I know. I saw your sign.”

“Are you a mom?”

Beside me, I felt Mr. Fab brace for the storm. But I’m past all that, remember? So I shook my head, no.

The young girl made an apologetic face and finished scooping my TWO flavors.

“See where honesty gets you?” Mr. Fab muttered.

“Next year, I’m going to lie,” I said.

And this may be my tactic from now on. I’ll need an elaborate story to explain why I’m not with my kids on Mother’s Day, then I’ll just going around lying my head off, and gathering up the Mother’s Day swag.

I’ll report back next year on how this goes and how I actually feel about telling this particular whopper. I’ll also let you know if this is real progress or if my prior sadness and anger has just turned passive-aggressive.

For now, it’s Whiny Wednesday. If you’re still feeling the sting from this weekend, feel free to let it all out here.

 

 

Whiny Wednesday

Whiny_WednesdayWelcome to Whiny Wednesday!

If you’re new here, this is the day you get to whine, groan, and complain about whatever’s on your mind, on or off topic.

Another baby announcement in the family? Whine. We get it.

Working late again because you’re the only one who doesn’t have kids so everyone thinks you have no place important to be? Let it all out here.

Neighbor got his leaf blower on a 7:00 on a Sunday morning…again? Ok, well, that’s my whine.

The great thing about this party is you get to bring your own whine.

Join the Movement…Changing Infertility’s Vocabulary

NIAWThis week is National Infertility Awareness Week and every year Bloggers Unite invites bloggers to write on a theme. This year’s theme, “Join the Movement…” got me thinking about how my vocabulary around infertility has changed over the past years and how this community has facilitated that change.

Before I discovered my own infertility, I knew very little about the topic. I’d heard of people who “had problems” and new about some of the medical advances that were being made. I didn’t know anyone who was infertile, so I made assumptions about what infertility was like. Some words that might have been in my vocabulary back then are:

Sadness

Blame

Desperation

Others

I was sure that infertility was something that happened to other people and would never happen to me, but life has a funny way of proving you wrong, and I soon expanded my vocabulary. My new words included:

Silence

Isolation

Frustration

Shame

I had no one to talk to. Infertility doesn’t make for polite dinner table conversation and even the most open-minded people find themselves at a loss for what to say, when the “I” word comes up. And we all know that oftentimes people say the most insensitive and unhelpful things just for the sake of saying something.

I think the most unexpected part of infertility was the complete and utter isolation I felt. I didn’t know were to turn, what questions to ask, and I certainly didn’t have a female peer who’d been through the experience and could share advice or support. I hung around for a while on some online forums, but anytime someone “graduated” and announced a pregnancy success, instead of feeling hopeful for my future, I felt like a big, fat loser. I added new words:

 Broken

Defective

Useless

Incomplete

If I was an outcast while I was trying and failing to get pregnant, I felt like a total pariah when I decided it was time to stop treatments and make peace with a life without children. Even though I knew it was right for my husband and me, I felt like I was giving up, that maybe I couldn’t have wanted it enough in the first place, that maybe the next time could be the time it worked, and that I was walking away when I’d been so close to success. And I felt as if I would have to defend that decision because no one would understand.

 Weak

Quitter

Selfish

Kid-hater

Then I started writing about my experience. I put aside my shame and silence, ignored the fact that I’m ordinarily a very private person and even something of an introvert. I started blogging and wrote a book and now I’ve found myself new vocabulary about infertility:

Community

Compassion

Healing

Support

 I’ve even added:

Friends

Laughter

Fulfillment

Normal

And that last one’s a biggie. Because of the wonderful women I’ve met through this site, I feel normal. I don’t feel ashamed; I’m not a loser, I’m not a quitter, and my life isn’t meaningless because I don’t have children. I’m just a woman who went through a bad experience and found a way to get through it intact.

So, if there’s a difference I’d like to make, it’s that we change the vocabulary around infertility, that we stop pointing fingers (especially at ourselves), and that the conversation about infertility outcomes openly includes the option of a life without children.

***

If you’re new this site, thanks for stopping by. The Bloggers Unite challenge for this year is to “talk about how you are making a difference in ways large and small in the lives of people with infertility.” So, here’s what we’re doing at Life Without Baby:

  • We are a community of beautiful and compassionate women from all over the world and we are childfree-not-by-choice.
  • We talk openly about coming-to-terms with not having children and share with one another support and advice.
  • We have a members-only forum where we can talk to one other securely and in privacy (and we’re over 1000 members-strong now, so there’s always something going on.)
  • We have a small but growing library of free resources, including books, guides, and videos.
  • We offer workshops and programs to deal with grief, healing, and the what’s next?.
  • We even get together in-person sometimes with our newfound friends.

If you’re trying to conceive right now, we’re probably the last people you want to hang out with, but should you decide to explore the childfree option, we’ll be here and you’re always welcome.

 ***

Join us for a free event:

Tuesday, May 7, 6:00pm PST

Letting Go of the Dream of Motherhood

How do you know when it’s time to let go of the dream of motherhood? How do you know if you’re ready to walk away and start coming-to-terms with a life without children.

In this free one-hour video discussion, I’ll talk about the desires and fears that keep us on the baby-making crazy train, and the desires and fears that can help us to step off.

You’ll have the opportunity to ask questions as well as talk to one another through a simultaneous chat function.

The group will be private and only open to registered participants, making it a safe place to talk about this difficult topic.

If you’d like to join me, please register here to receive access details and the follow-up recording, in case you can’t make it live.

I look forward to meeting you then.

Lisa

Register now.

***

 You can learn more about the disease of infertility and National Infertility Awareness Week at Resolve.org.

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Whiny Wednesday: Dependents

Whiny_WednesdayI just filed my taxes and once again put a big fat zero on the line for dependents.

My whine (surprisingly) isn’t that people with kids get a tax break and I don’t; it’s more to do with the IRS’s definition of “dependent.” My definition differs greatly from theirs.

That’s all I’m saying publicly on that topic, but know that I’m whining on the inside today.

It is Whiny Wednesday. What’s on your mind?

 

Asparagus in my Future

asparagus - pixabay.comLast month I did something I’ve been thinking about for years and which signified a real and definite change in my outlook on life. I planted an asparagus bed.

For those of you who aren’t horticulturally-inclined, planting an asparagus bed is kind of a big deal. Asparagus takes up a lot of space, with tall spreading plants. The plants don’t produce edible asparagus in the first year and have to be carefully tended and consistently watered to produce crisp, delicious spears the following year. With care, the plants will continue to produce year after year, but planting a bed means dedicating a large patch of garden and making a long-term commitment, which is why I haven’t done it before and why it’s so significant to me now.

So much in my life has been uncertain for so long that I’ve found it hard to make plans for a month in advance, let alone commit to a project that will take at least a year to come to fruition and will mean an ongoing commitment of many years. Ever since my future as a mother began to look uncertain, I haven’t been able to form a clear picture of how my life might look down the road.  Setting goals and making plans has felt pointless when I’ve no idea what my desired destination is anymore.

Although having a bed of homegrown asparagus isn’t exactly a fully-formed picture of my ideal life, and there is certainly a lot of fuzziness around the path my life will take now, my decision to commit to planting took forward planning and feels like the beginnings of commitment and permanence. It’s a step towards a positive future…and a very tasty future, at that.

Whiny Wednesday: Equality

Whiny_WednesdayI don’t usually get political on this blog, but the recent Marriage Equality discussions have been pushing my buttons. I am strongly pro-gay marriage and am often dumbfounded by the arguments cited by opponents.

 

One morning last week, I heard someone on the radio saying (and I’m paraphrasing) that the constitution supported equality for like situations, and gay marriage and heterosexual marriage could never be equal because of the inability for gay couples to reproduce.

 

This pushes two of my buttons:

 

1)   As part of a straight couple who cannot reproduce, I take extreme exception to this suggestion that a marriage is only acceptable when it produces children.

2)   I know several gay couples who have reproduced via sperm donor, surrogate, or adoption. Is this person then suggesting that any marriage—gay or straight—that doesn’t produce children “naturally” falls into the category of unacceptable? Surely not.

 

It’s Whiny Wednesday. I’m on fire this week. What’s pushing your buttons?

It Got Me Thinking…About Unfriending

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

Due to some unfortunate security issues, I recently had to “unfriend” several “friends” and business acquaintances from my personal Facebook page. I sent individual messages to each person to explain that this would be happening and express my hope that this wouldn’t cause any hard feelings. It wasn’t a fun process.

But, when it was all done, I found it was rather liberating. Friends-of-friends-of-friends and coworkers-of-coworkers who really had no business being in my personal business were removed, leaving me with a smaller circle of real friends, people with whom I actually want to keep in touch.

And it got me thinking about other things I’d like to unfriend. Like entertainment shows that consider having a baby newsworthy, magazines for mothers that masquerade as magazines for “women,” and books (typically classics) that feature a female character who has gone insane because she couldn’t give her husband children.

While I’m at it, I wouldn’t mind temporarily unfriending anyone who relays in great detail their baby’s smallest developments (“She pooped!”) and skipping over the royal pregnancy (I mean, congratulations and good luck to the Prince and Duchess, but spare me the nine months of “news”).

This could, of course, get out of control, and I could find myself friendless, but it has some appeal, doesn’t it? You tell me: What would you like to unfriend this week?

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

Infertility Girl

typewriterLast month I interviewed author Jennie Nash about her new novel, Perfect Red. Before she was known as a fiction writer, Jennie wrote a book about her battle with breast cancer. The Victoria’s Secret Catalog Never Stops Coming is a wonderful book and has been a big success for Jennie, but she doesn’t talk about it much anymore. “I didn’t want to be “Cancer Girl” anymore, she says.

When I meet new people, they usually ask one of two questions: “Do you have kids?” or “What do you do for a living.” Eventually either of these two questions leads to the same awkward conversation about Infertility Girl.

When people ask me what I do for a living, I happily tell them I’m a writer. The next question is always, “Oh, what do you write?” Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly strong and confident, or if the person feels like an empathetic type, I’ll tell them about my book and this site, and that I write a lot about coming-to-terms with not having children. More often than not, I find myself offering a blurry answer about writing articles for websites, which is also true, but not the whole truth.

It’s not that I’m ashamed of what I do or the subject on which I write. It’s just that I don’t want my childlessness to be the first thing people know about me. I don’t want to become Infertility Girl.

When people ask me what I do for a living, I want to be able to tell them “I’m a novelist.” The only problem with this is that I’ve yet to finish a publishable novel. (And any of you writers out there will probably read between the lines that I have two full and two half manuscripts hidden in a drawer, not yet fit to see the light of day.)

So, a decision has been made. I need to finish my novel. This year. And get it published. Which means something’s got to give.

So, beginning this week, I’ll be posting to the blog only three days a week instead of five. Look out for me on Mondays and Whiny Wednesday on Wednesdays (I wouldn’t dare take that away!) Kathleen’s It Got Me Thinking… column will move to Fridays and there will still be guest bloggers making appearances at various times.

I’ll admit I considered starting a new blog about writing a novel, but even I could see the futility of cutting back on one blog to make time for writing, only to start up another blog! Just know that I’ll be taking notes for the future.

Is Life Without Baby going away? Heck, no. It’s just playing nice and sharing brain space with something new, and giving Infertility Girl the chance be Novel Girl as well.