Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Defusing Tension

Facing a ProblemIt’s a familiar scenario: You’re at a family gathering or out with a group of friends. Everyone’s having a good time, when the topic turns to babies, and some bright spark looks your way and says, “So, when are you going to have kids?”

You could drive a double-decker bus and a Winnebago through the gap in the conversation, and even the birds stop twittering so they can hear your response.

Your face goes cold; your palms start to sweat; you can feel an eruption of emotion rising up into your chest, ready to spew forth and shower everyone in sight. What are you going to say? Do you tell them the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, in all the gory details? Or do you mumble something about “someday” or “maybe” or “We’re trying. Ha!” to deflect the question. Or do you stare dumbfounded and hope that someone steps in to rescue you?

Odds are you’ve tried some variation of all of those tactics at some point. And you know that if you so much as mention any attempt to conceive, someone’s going to jump in with all sorts of “helpful” advice from asking if you’ve thought about adoption or offering her eggs for your use, to regaling you with a tale of someone else’s miracle baby.

Recently, I had a conversation with a reader who offered another option that’s worked well for her:

“We tell people we’ve decided to just travel instead,” she told me. “People want to solve problems. If you make it positive, there’s nothing to solve.”

She said this response immediately defuses the tension and changes the topic. She even found that people envied them their freedom to travel. What a refreshing change from the usual pity.

Another reader told me she’d been to an event where the speaker mentioned at the end of his talk that he and his wife (both well past reproductive age) were childfree. “We don’t have children,” he quipped, winking at his wife in the audience, “but we try every night and twice on Sundays.”

I’m sure no one approached him after the talk to offer advice. Why? Because he didn’t give them a problem to solve.

As you’re arming yourself to go out into the world and face potentially difficult conversations, what are some things you could say to answer these awkward questions without prompting people to try and fix your situation?

Whiny Wednesday: The Reluctant Villager

Whiny_WednesdayLast weekend my friend and I stopped by a very cute new café that opened in my neighborhood. It has a lovely private patio, big sun umbrellas, and a good menu of healthy food, so we looking forward to a Saturday morning breakfast and chat.

But when we stepped out onto the patio, there were young children everywhere, and by everywhere, I mean everywhere. They running in and out of the tables, playing in the middle of the floor, and one little boy was rolling his toy truck under a table where a couple, who were definitely not his parents, were eating.

Out of the six or seven sets of parents present, there was one who appeared to be making any kind of effort to teach their child how people behave in restaurants. One. My friend (who is a mother) suggested we leave and take our coffee to go instead.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but that doesn’t mean the village should have to step in and do the parent’s job. Nor does it mean the village can’t have a quiet meal without their feet being run over by a toy truck.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. I’m done grumbling for today. It’s your turn now.

Whiny Wednesday: Profile Pictures

Whiny_WednesdayIt always boggles my mind when people use their kid’s photo as their own Facebook profile photo. It boggles it even more when they then send me a friend request.

If they’re sending me a friend request, odds are they’re not someone I see on a regular basis, so how am I supposed to recognize that person from a photo of their newborn or their child’s first day at school?

This blog needs a “sigh and shakes head” emoticon.

Happy Whiny Wednesday. What’s boggling your mind today?

Welcome Back!

P1160940I’m back! I feel as if I haven’t written a blog post in months, so I hope my brain and fingers are still connected, and I can still string a sentence together.

How was your summer?

I had a wonderful time on my vacation. I got to spend a long and fun weekend with my dearest and oldest friend in Scotland, got in a hike and dinner with another wonderful friend (both sans children, by the way), spent a week hiking with my mum, and saw all but one of my nieces and nephews. I also managed to get some serious time alone with my novel-in-progress. It’s not finished yet, but (and you heard it here first) it will be before this year is out! Hurray!

Before I left, I put together a survey to find out more about you and what you’re looking for in this site. So far, almost 100 of you have responded and I’m incredibly grateful for your help. Some of you also offered to chat with me in more detail and I’ll be taking you up on that once I’ve sifted through the results and have specific questions.

I’m going to leave the survey open until the end of this week (Sunday, September 8), so if you haven’t had your say yet, you can find the survey here.

As a thank you, I’ll be giving away a signed copy of my book and will do the drawing once the survey has closed.

So, our regularly scheduled programing will resume this week. I’m looking forward to sharing the contents of my brain and heart with you and hearing about the contents of yours, too.

It Got Me Thinking…About Parental Complaints

During August, as I enjoy some travel time, I’m sharing some of my favorite and your favorite posts from the past year. I’ll look forward to seeing you again in September. ~Lisa  

Today’s post was originally run on 2/19/13

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods

“I have to spend all day Saturday at soccer games. Gag!”

“I hate wasting weekends at my kid’s swim meets.”

“Wanna trade places with me?”

I’ve heard every variation of the above from friends who for whatever reason think it’s okay to complain to me about the “burdens” of being a parent. My responses have ranged from “Sounds like fun to me!” to “Dogs are so the way to go.” to “I’d trade places with you in a heartbeat.”

I don’t use that last one very often because it pretty much shuts down the conversation, but when I do, I hope it makes them think. It’s bad enough that this person is complaining about something s/he had to know about before signing up for the whole parental gig, and don’t even get me started if this ding-dong complains in front of their sweet child. Most of all, I wish they’d think for a moment about their chosen audience: childfree-not-by-choice woman who loves kids.

I loved playing sports as a kid, I was thrilled when my parents were on the sidelines cheering me on, I have great memories of those years, and I looked forward to the day when I could create similar memories with children of my own. Girl Scout leader, Team Mom, 3rd base coach—I woulda been all over it!

Maybe I don’t understand because I’m not a busy mom, but I do understand how much it hurts to be on the receiving end of a busy mom’s thoughtless complaints.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

Whiny Wednesday: My Shower Invitation

During August, as I enjoy some travel time, I’m sharing some of my favorite and your favorite posts from the past year. I’ll look forward to seeing you again in September. ~Lisa 

Today’s post was originally run on 5/29/13

Whiny_WednesdayAfter telling a friend recently that I haven’t had an invitation to a baby shower in years, guess what popped into my inbox last week?

But here’s the kicker: the invitation is from someone I don’t know who’s throwing a shower for someone else I don’t know, who happens to be expecting twins.

I scratched my head for a while wondering how to handle this. Should I point out I know neither the hostess nor the mother-to-be or should I just show up bearing gifts? (Okay, I was kidding about the latter.)

I guess this is the Universe’s strange idea of a practical once, and for once, I’m actually laughing.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What strange, ironic, or downright annoying things are going on in your Universe right now?

To Shower or Not To Shower

During August, as I enjoy some travel time, I’m sharing some of my favorite and your favorite posts from the past year. I’ll look forward to seeing you again in September. ~Lisa

Today’s post was originally run on 4/29/13

invitation - pixabayBy Solo Girl 

I have a large extended family; we have to rent a hall on Boxing Day so we can all get together.  And now all those sisters and female cousins are newly married and reproducing.  Every time a baby shower comes up I’m invited, and I wrestle with myself over whether or not I should be able to go yet.

I’ve always been supportive and encouraging with my family, happy to celebrate in another’s happiness.  It’s been four many years since my dream died, and I get the sense that I’m expected to be “over it” by now.

Unsure and not wanting family to think I’m selfish or emotionally immature, I went to a cousin’s baby shower about a year ago.  I mentally prepared myself ahead of time.  For example, I’m terrified of flying, but I know that there is lift-off, food, a movie and a landing, and then it’s done.  I thought about how there would be food, presents and games at this shower, and then it would be done.  I thought to myself “I should be able do this, even my own Mom is expecting me to go.”

I thought the worst part would be the games, but I was wrong.  It was the chitchat.  I actually got stuck between my mother and a cousin having a conversation on the couch about how all the women in our family have long labors.  Seriously.  When I got home I wrote myself a note in black marker and stuck it on my kitchen pin board where it still remains today:  “You never have to go to another baby shower ever again.  No one will notice; no one will care.  It’s torturous.  Don’t Go.  Don’t feel guilty”.

But a year later I still get shower invites and I continue to question whether I am – or should be – ready to attend now.  And I want to know, is it ever going to be something I can attend?  And what can I tell my family that will help them understand how painful it is to attend without sounding like I’m feeling sorry for myself after all this time?  They have high expectations of me, and I really do think they mean well.  I was in a deep depression four years ago, and I think they are trying to make me normal again.  I think.

I’m glad Irina Vodar is producing a documentary on the subject of infertility that some helpful social norms will come of it.

How do you handle these situations?

Solo Girl lives on her own with her 2+ dogs in Ontario, Canada.  She focuses her time on volunteer work and fostering rescue dogs.

Summer Vacation and a Request for Help

P1160705By the time you read this I will be trekking through the Shropshire Hills with my mother (who turns 81 in a couple of weeks) and two of her friends (both in their 70s), and hoping I can keep up with them.

So that I can fully enjoy visiting my family and friends, and get a brain break as well as a physical break, I’m planning to give the site a vacation for the month of August.

Beginning on Wednesday, I’ll be posting reruns of some of my favorite and your favorite posts from the past year. Just like an episode of I Love Lucy, I hope you’ll get to enjoy these conversations again.

While I’m gone, I’ll also be contemplating what’s next for Life Without Baby. For those of you who’ve been tagging along with me for a while, you’ve probably noticed that the site go through a growth spurt about every six months or so, as I try to make it what I think it ought to be.

I’ve largely gone through this reinvention process on my own, noodling and brainstorming what I think is best for the site. This time, I’m getting smart (finally) and I’m asking you what you need most and what you want the site to be.

I’ve put together a short survey (8 check box questions, that’s all) and would be enormously grateful if you could offer me 5-10 minutes to let me know what’s important to you, so that I can then attempt to make it available.

Yes, I’ll take the survey!

Front cover-hiAs a thank you for your time, you’ll have the option be entered into a drawing to win a copy of my book, “I’m Taking My Eggs and Going Home: How One Woman Dared to Say No to Motherhood.” Just be sure to complete the survey by September 2 to be entered.

So, for now, enjoy your summer, enjoy the posts, and I’ll look forward to catching up with you again in September.

It Got me Thinking…About Family Options

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

I was really excited about a book I read recently, a humorous look at life that lauded women’s progress in the working world*. But then. In the last several chapters, the author focused on the trials and joys of being a working wife and mom. As I skimmed back over previous pages, I noticed that she talked about her friends and colleagues and their struggles as working moms, but nowhere did she mention anything about the women (and men) who cover for them while they’re all out on maternity leave. In her discussion about families, the closest she got to including any other kind of family (such as one that resembled my own) was an offhanded remark about a gay couple and their dog.

Now I don’t like to get all politically correct about things, but I would like to open her eyes to other family options. I’d like to introduce her to my neighborhood where retirees are raising their grandchildren, former and new spouses are setting aside their differences to co-parent, cultures and languages converge, couples (gay and straight) live with their adopted and foster children, and couples and single people without children are right in the mix. The old Norman Rockwell model of all-white families comprised of one man, his wife, and their two children is neither the majority nor the norm.

Along with the strides women have made it the world, I think our new definition of “family” is also something to celebrate.

 

*Can’t recommend the book (for the reasons noted above), but also don’t want to pan it, so I’m not going to mention the title.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree.

 

Whiny Wednesday

Whiny_WednesdayI am rushing around stuffing things in a suitcase with one hand and trying to finish up all the work I really ought to do before I leave for England to visit my mum.

As I’ll be on a plane and hopefully asleep by the time you read this, I don’t have too much to whine about this week, but please feel free to whine on my behalf. It is Whiny Wednesday, after all.