Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

It Got Me Thinking…About Good Girls

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Facing a Problem“But I did everything right!”

My sweet friend Connie* was in the midst of a serious health crisis, and I was doing my best to be supportive when she blurted this out. I wanted to tell her that everything would be okay, that she’d find the silver lining in her experiences, that that which did not kill her would make her stronger. But the reality was that what she was facing might very well kill her, and the unfairness of it all was breaking my heart.

For, you see, Connie is a “good girl.” She is a dutiful and loving daughter, sister, and friend. She is loyal to her employer and she is honest on her tax returns. She doesn’t drink too much or eat too much, and she’s never smoked any substance, legal or otherwise. She has followed her doctors’ instructions to a T, but she wasn’t responding to the prescribed treatment and she was facing a scary and uncertain future.

Our exchange reminded me of so many conversations I’ve had with women who are childfree not by choice. They waited to be financially able to support a family, only to discover their reproductive years had passed them by. They waited to meet Mr. Right—who would also be Daddy Right—then encountered inexplicable fertility challenges. They planned and dreamed and planned some more, then were denied the privileges and blessings of having children. These were good girls who would have been good, loving mothers, but they got gypped.

Twenty or so years ago, I asked my mother to share with me the best life advice she’d ever received. She thought for a moment, then replied: “Life is not fair.” I had expected something more encouraging, along the lines of “Good girls win!” But she went on to explain that good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people, and vice versa, and if you can accept the randomness of life, perhaps you’ll better appreciate when good things do come your way.

I get this on an intellectual level, and I’ve certainly experienced it throughout my life. Still, I wish reality had a little less bite. I wish the good women I know who want to be mothers could have their miracle babies. I hope Connie’s doctors come up with a miracle cure that allows Connie to make a full recovery. I wish good girls (like me) would get all the good things in life they deserve. It seems only fair.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

*Not her real name. As of this posting, her condition has improved, but she’s not yet out of the woods.

It Got Me Thinking…About Valentine’s Schmalentines

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Girl ThinkingLisa and I had a scheduling meeting earlier this year and she reminded me that my column would fall on Valentine’s Day.

“I hate Valentine’s Day” came out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

Hearts, flowers, chocolates…pfft! Even though I am now enjoying a loving relationship with a generous partner, there’s still a part of me that carries sensory memories of lonely, miserable holidays, some while I was single and some while I was in less-than-happy relationships. It’s another one of those events (the prom, New Year’s Eve) that never seems to live up to the hype and, well, I hate it.

So. In the spirit of serious attitude adjusting, I decided to find something fun about this bittersweet day. Here’s some of the random Valentine trivia I discovered:

  • In the late 1800s, Richard Cadbury, of Britain’s famous Cadbury chocolates family, created the first Valentine’s Day candy box.
  • In the Victorian era, signing a card was considered bad luck. (First secret admirers, or first stalkers?)
  • 64% of American men do not make plans in advance for Valentine’s Day. (Shocking, I know.)
  • The name “Valentine” comes from the Latin word valor, which means “worthy.”
  • In Wales, there’s a tradition—currently enjoying a resurgence in popularity—of giving intricately hand-carved wooden “love spoons.” (See amazing examples here.)
  • (Here’s my favorite) When Abraham Lincoln was running for president of the United States, a man named Valentine Tapley said he would never shave again if Lincoln won. Lincoln won. Tapley stopped shaving in November 1860, and when he passed away in 1910, his beard measured 12 and a half feet! Here’s a picture!
Valentine Tapley

Valentine Tapley

For more trivia, check out sites here, here, and here.

Whether you choose to celebrate—or ignore—today’s holiday, I wish you love and chocolate. Kiss kiss!

 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

It Got Me Thinking…About the Diaper Debate

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Girl ThinkingA friend posted this article (you don’t need to read it) on Facebook about the huge environmental impact of using disposable diapers. Stats indicate that the average baby will use 6,500-10,000 diapers, and in the United States that translates to 7.6 billion pounds of nonbiodegradable garbage a year!

The point of the article is to encourage parents to use cloth diapers, and the photo below was included…

diapers-300x196

…and it got me thinking…shouldn’t there be a third display, the one representing childfree people that is sparkling clean and empty?

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree.

 

It Got Me Thinking…About Being Happier (Cont.)

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

“According to one of the biggest studies ever conducted into Britain’s relationships, childless couples have happier marriages.”

An article in The Telegraph highlights some of the findings of research conducted by the Open University (read the article here), and while I can’t offer any scientific facts of my own, I will say that I agree with the overall assessment.

Sometimes when people ask me why I don’t have children, I’m tempted to answer “Because I love my husband.” I’m sure that would ruffle feathers and incite all sorts of unwelcomed advice, but there’s truth in this statement. I love being able to focus all of my attention on him. I love taking care of him, making his favorite meals, and joining him in athletic activities we both enjoy. I love that on weekends we run errands and attend events together instead of going in opposite directions as we shuttle kids to their activities. I love that when he’s going through tough personal or professional challenges, I can devote my energy to supporting him. We are not divided or distracted by the needs of kids, and I think our relationship is stronger because of it.

On the flip side, we also had to endure some unhappiness about not having kids to get to this point, so I’m not sure how I would have answered had my family plans worked out as I’d planned. Maybe the answer is that we have to define and create are own brands of happiness, no matter what cards we’re dealt.

What do you think?

For more discussion on this topic, read the post “It Got Me Thinking…About Being Happier” from December 2012.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

It Got Me Thinking…About Womb Transplants

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Whiny_WednesdayNine womb-less women in Sweden received transplants from relatives in hopes that they will be able to give birth to their own children.

Premise for a sci-fi blockbuster movie? Nope. True story. You can read the article here.

I read the article with mixed feelings. I felt so sad for the recipients, having a sense of what they’d been through to get to this point. I thought about the ethics and wondered if, maybe, their lack of wombs isn’t part of Nature’s plan for population control (yes, I know that’s not a nice thought, but it’s honest). I wondered who would put themselves through this crazy experimental procedure, then I thought about all of the women I know who would drink, inject, or believe anything in hopes of having their miracle babies. I wondered if I had been in their shoes, if I had the means and opportunity, would I have signed up?

Would you?

Maybe this will be the answer to so many women’s desires to have children, and I hope for the best possible outcome. At the same time, I fear what kind of new baby-making industry (and related scams) might result from success.

I hope women—and their partners—read the fine print and weigh the possible win with the possible side effects and risks: blood clots, high blood pressure, diabetes, some types of cancer, transplant rejection. I also found the closing line of the article chilling: “…there are no guarantees (that the women will have babies)…what is certain is that they are making a contribution to science.”

Both my husband and I had to have surgery in the last six months. We are lucky to be healthy, but I have to tell you, recovery was a bitch. Elective surgery? No way. Possibly sacrifice my health to contribute to science? Um, no. But to maybe have a baby? Maybe.

What do you think?

 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

 

It Got Me Thinking…About A Different Spin

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods

“Why don’t you like children?” “What are you waiting for?” “It’s not too late. I heard about a woman who was 46 and….”

I’ve heard so many variations on a theme, but this is the first time I’ve heard “Thank you” for choosing not to have children, with a long list of positive reasons.

Writer Abby Rosmarin works in childcare and has this to say about women who choose to be childfree (her post is published on Thought Catalog). I especially like and am encouraged by her line, “…you recognize that there are so many other ways to find love and meaning and joy in your life.”

This isn’t for everyone. But for those of us who made a choice—and for those of us who ultimately made a choice to stop the madness—I offer her kind perspective.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with being childfree.

 

It Got Me Thinking…About Resolving Stuff

ResolutionsBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

As I get ready to embrace a fresh start this January—as I assemble my goals, state my intentions, dream, and plan for the months ahead—I’ve been thinking about how I might resolve some of my issues stemming from my journey to childfreeness, perhaps dissolve the last remnants of grief, and solve the mystery of what a beautiful Plan B might look like for me. Here are some of the tasks on my list:

  • Reconnect with my soul by walking a labyrinth. (Find one near you here.)
  • Talk to women at every level of the childfree path and share their stories on LWB. (More on this later.)
  • Visit various networking groups (for women business owners, crafters, or writers) until I find my local tribe.
  • Take a class in something that tickles my imagination, challenges my brain, and entertains my spirit—and has nothing to do with kids. (I’m exploring healthy cooking for two, French conversation, Taiko drums, and agility training with my two four-legged “kids.”)

There’s room on my list for other ideas, so I’d love to hear what you are planning for 2014.

Happy new year!

 

Freelance writer Kathleen Guthrie Woods feels humbled and privileged to be part of Life Without Baby’s community of extraordinary women. 

It Got Me Thinking…About Pure Joy

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

This video has absolutely nothing to do with being childfree. Or infertility, miscarriages, lost dreams, Plan B. It just made me smile for two minutes and 49 seconds, and I thought I’d share.

Watch it here.

A bit of background: The song is widely known as the “Cups” song from the movie Pitch Perfect (and if you love all those shows about a cappella singing groups, you’ll love the movie). 1,500 students and staff from a school in Quebec got together to perform this to set a new world record.

As I get ready to say “See ya!” to 2013 and “Welcome!” to 2014, I think we can all use a shot of pure joy, so here’s my contribution to the cause. (Share yours in the Comments.)

Have a safe and happy new year, dear sisters!

It’s not too late to grab your copy of Life Without Baby Holiday Companion, offering inspiration and encouragement for getting through the holidays. The book is available here on our site and on Amazon—and now just $4.95.

It Got Me Thinking…About Family Recipes

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

I’m reading a story in the current edition of the Penzeys catalogue (learn more about the company and their spices here) about passing family heritage and traditions to new generations through cooking and baking together. Ethnic flavors, techniques, recipes, and stories get shared from grandmother to mother to daughter, and I’m again reminded of how much I miss being part of this cycle of love as I—as in holiday seasons past—am the lone cook at the counter.

Friends have suggested that I can mentor a niece or nephew, but robbing my sister or sisters-in-law of that privilege is unimaginable to me. So I cook for myself and my husband, I bake for parties and gifts, and I share recipes with friends. I try to not dwell on what I’m missing out on as I mimic my mother’s safe technique for chopping nuts and hear my grandmother’s voice in my heart as I carefully fold those nuts into hot fudge.

Although I don’t have a daughter to share with, I have you! So I am breaking tradition (but not breaking any family laws) and sharing with you the one recipe that says “Christmas” to me. As far back as I can remember, Gram’s Coffee Cake has been served on Christmas morning, alongside an egg-and-sausage casserole (a once-a-year “treat” for the arteries) and half-domes of grapefruit.

I don’t know the origins, I don’t own the copyright (and family members have published it in fund-raising cookbooks in the past), but I do know that Gram made adjustments over the years. If you share it with your family and friends, I ask that you give credit to my grandmother by retaining the title.

 

Gram Guthrie’s Coffee Cake

  • ½ cup shortening (plus extra for greasing the baking pan)
  • 1 tsp. vanilla (speaking of Penzey’s, they have an amazing selection of vanillas)
  • ¾ cup sugar
  • 3 eggs
  • 2 cups sifted flour
  • 1 tsp. baking powder
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 1 cup sour cream

Filling:

  • 9 Tbsp. butter, softened
  • 1 ½ cups brown sugar, packed
  • 1 Tbsp. cinnamon
  • 1 ½ cups chopped walnuts

 

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
  2. Cream shortening, sugar, and vanilla thoroughly. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Sift together the flour, baking powder, and baking soda. Add some of the flour mixture to the creamed mixture alternately with sour cream, blending after each addition.
  3. Prepare the filling in a separate bowl. Cream softened butter, brown sugar, and cinnamon well. Stir in nuts. Set aside.
  4. Grease a 10-inch tube pan and line bottom with waxed paper. Turn half of batter into the pan. Dot the batter with half of the filling. Cover with the remaining batter and then dot with remaining filling.
  5. Bake at 350 degrees F for 50 minutes. Allow to cool for 10 minutes before removing from the pan.

Serve warm or at room temp. The cake can be prepared beforehand and reheated for serving.

I’d love to hear about the one family recipe that says “holidays” to you. And if you’d like, share the actual recipe with all of us in the comments.

Happy baking…and happy holidays!

Christmas morning doesn’t have to be Christmas mourning! Life Without Baby Holiday Companion offers inspiration and encouragement for getting through the season. Available here on our site and on Amazon—now just $4.95.

It Got Me Thinking…About Big Girl Meltdowns, Holiday Edition

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

Meltdowns are no fun, and they’re especially painful when they happen in public.

Recently I attended a friend’s daughter’s first dance recital. It was beautiful, it was funny, it was entertaining. Nothing cracks me up quite like a row of four-year-olds in pink tutus doing their best to tap on a beat.

Except this time I wasn’t laughing. Every tiny dancer made me long for the one I could have had, should have had. I sat in the semi-darkened theater, surrounded by parents, grandparents, siblings, and every form of video camera and cried. Big tears rolled down my cheeks, my nose ran like a fire hose, and when the lights came up, I doubt anyone thought my swollen face was due to seasonal allergies.

I took my first dance class when I was five and tapped, kicked, twirled, and leapt my way through childhood. I loved the magic, the music, the costumes, and even the discipline. I looked forward to one day watching my own daughter glide across a stage, and as I watched my young friend steal the show, I thought about how sad I was to to miss sharing these experiences with a mini-me.

’Tis the season of holiday performances: children’s choirs, reenactments of the nativity (I love Lisa’s description of the drive-through nativity she discovered a few years ago), pageants, caroling, The Nutcracker. I loved them all when I had parts in them, and I still love them. It’s just a little bit harder these days to keep my emotions to myself when I’m in the midst of the family fun.

So, if you notice a gal sniffling in row 12 during the curtain call, kindly pass her a tissue.

 

The holiday festivities can bring up all sorts of painful emotions when you’re childfree-not-by-choice. If you could use some inspiration and encouragement to get you through the tough times, check out the Life Without Baby Holiday Companion available here and on Amazon.