Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Happy New Year 2014

2014 aOn this, the first day of a brand new year, I’m sending good wishes your way.

I hope this year will be good to you, that it brings you peace, good health, and happiness. And if it throws in a little success and prosperity, even better.

I look forward to spending time with you here next year, to making new friends, and cheering on old ones. I hope you’ll meet some new people here, too, and know that, wherever you are on your journey, you’re not walking your path alone.

For those of you who’ve just about had enough of my sappy holiday messages, you’ll be glad to know that Whiny Wednesday will be back next week, so I hope you’ve saved up all your holiday gripes.

For now, I wish you all a very happy New Year.

~ Lisa

Fear Not!

angelBy Nicole Hasenpflug         

My childhood Sunday school class had many boys, but only two girls: one petite, doe-eyed child…and me.  It was no surprise when, for the few years we were Christmas-pageant-aged, the other girl was chosen to portray Mary…every single time.  Too tall and awkward to be the mother of Jesus, I was the angel—also every single time.  I really wanted to have a turn at being Mary, but I did my best as the angel anyway.  I had the lines down from the first year, starting with, “Fear not! For behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy…”

On my bad days—and at this time of year there are a few—I’m sometimes bitter about the fact that I never even made the cut to play a mother in a church pageant.  “Mary” grew up to be a wonderful person and the mother of three adorable boys.  I don’t get to do that.  Always the messenger, never the mom.

On other days I think about my opening line: “Fear not.”  I chose my path as a teacher when I was still young enough for the tinsel halo, and I am now in my eighteenth year of teaching, in a school with many students in poverty and other tough situations. I spend a surprising amount of time saying, “Fear not,” or some variation, and then working to find ways to back what I’ve said and provide a bit of comfort, when often there is no easy fix.

I’ll never be a Mary, and I’m certainly not an angel, but delivering good news (and, once in a while, tidings of great joy) is a role I can grow into.

Nicole Hasenpflug has many adolescent musicians in her life—just not (usually) in her house.  She shares her home with her amazing husband and their two bunnies.

Whiny Wednesday: Turning Around the Question

Whiny_WednesdayWhy is it that people have no problem asking, “So, why don’t you have kids,” or “How come you don’t like children?” or “Don’t you think not having kids is selfish?”

Could you imagine if mothers were asked the inverse? “So, why do you have kids?” “How come you like children?” or “Don’t you think having kids is selfish?” I wonder how many people would have an answer.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s your gripe this week?

Whiny Wednesday: The Reluctant Villager

Whiny_WednesdayLast weekend my friend and I stopped by a very cute new café that opened in my neighborhood. It has a lovely private patio, big sun umbrellas, and a good menu of healthy food, so we looking forward to a Saturday morning breakfast and chat.

But when we stepped out onto the patio, there were young children everywhere, and by everywhere, I mean everywhere. They running in and out of the tables, playing in the middle of the floor, and one little boy was rolling his toy truck under a table where a couple, who were definitely not his parents, were eating.

Out of the six or seven sets of parents present, there was one who appeared to be making any kind of effort to teach their child how people behave in restaurants. One. My friend (who is a mother) suggested we leave and take our coffee to go instead.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but that doesn’t mean the village should have to step in and do the parent’s job. Nor does it mean the village can’t have a quiet meal without their feet being run over by a toy truck.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. I’m done grumbling for today. It’s your turn now.

And the Survey Says…

checkFirstly, an enormous “Thank you” to the 127 of you who took the time to complete the recent LWB survey. I’m truly blown away by the response.

I’m still sifting through the data and analyzing what it all means, and of course, there are questions I wish I’d asked, but for now I wanted to share a few insights:

  • Over half of you are in your 30s and another third in your 40s. The over 60s and the under 20s aren’t hanging around with us (or aren’t filling surveys.)
  • Many of you (60%) said you were either trying to come to terms or at the stage of accepting and making peace. More than 20% of you are still trying/hopeful for having children.
  • Over 90% of you said you’d used the blog and found it useful, so hurray for that, especially as no one said they’d used it and didn’t find it useful. J What surprised me was that for all the other areas of the site, more than half of you said you hadn’t used it but were interested. So what are you waiting for? Snoop around.
  • The most popular type of post on the blog was “Personal Journey Stories,” with 84.5% saying they enjoy these posts, with my personal experience stories and guest posts following closely behind. What this tells me is that we want to hear other people’s stories, so if you’ve been dancing around the idea of submitting a guest post, do it! We want to hear.
  • The most popular topics were: “Dealing with friends and family” (72.6%), with “What’s Next in Life?”, “Ups and down of childfree living”, and “Finding Fulfillment” all following close behind.
  • When it comes to resources, printed books, ebooks, and a regular newsletter are of most interest to you. This is good news for me, as all these things are either in the works or on my to-do list.
  • An overwhelming number of you said you wouldn’t use a support group, either via phone or in person, or attend an in-person workshop. So, what I’m hearing is that you love the community and knowing you’re not alone, but you don’t want to come out in public and talk about this topic. I’m with you on that.
  • Almost half of you expressed an interest in programs and course online, so I’ll be taking a look at those again soon. Stay tuned.
  • Perhaps the biggest surprise was how many of you (over 40%) said you’d like to support the site through the purchase of LWB merchandise. If you were one of those people, I’d love to hear more about what that means? Would you use a discreet LWB coffee mug or are you looking for t-shirt that says “Childfree and loving it!” (or something in between)?

As I let all this valuable information percolate, I’ll be thinking about what changes I need to make to the site and what I need to do more of. A quick to do list so might look like:

  • Sharing more of my own story and encouraging you to do the same.
  • Getting the ebooks I’ve been noodling out of my head and onto the page
  • Getting the resource page pulled together to include other books you might find useful.
  • Writing more posts addressing the topics that are of most interest to you.

If you have other ideas or suggestions, I’m always open, so please leave them in the comments below.

And finally, many of you added wonderful and generous comments at the end of the survey. I’d like to thank you for those and I let you know that I have printed them all out and stuck them above my desk for those days when I wonder why I keep talking about this topic.

You’re Not Alone: The Things People Say

During August, as I enjoy some travel time, I’m sharing some of my favorite and your favorite posts from the past year. I’ll look forward to seeing you again in September. ~Lisa 

Today’s post was originally run on 2/28/13

 

shhhBy SparklingRain

Much as I wish to be able to say that I am my own best advocate, sometimes other people’s words would fly into my ears and get lodged in the corners of my heart. There are also times, when against my logic, I would lie awake and think of each of these words, trying to figure out why exactly they hurt so much.

You see, I married the love of my life exactly two months before I turned 34, and this alone was enough for some people to judge me “too old to start having children”.  In the subsequent 5 years of our marriage, when it was clear as day that no child was on the way/on the floor/in our arms, I built a collection of bizarre comments, proof that people can be ruthless with their words.

Here are some of the comments I have collected so far:

  1. From a 53 year-old female colleague:  “Those not blessed with children simply do not have the capacity to handle such big responsibility. You just have to realize that and count your blessing.”
  2. From a 40–something brother-in-law: “So, what’s the deal here? When are you having a child? I know; you’ll wait until your hair turns white, right?”
  3. From 73 year-old mother-in-law (who already has 9 grandchildren from husband’s 4 siblings), on the day I got my PhD: “Of course she can finish school. She does not have children.”
  4. From a 33 year-old female colleague to whom I regrettably confided that we might have male factor infertility: “So have you really accepted the fact that you’ll be childless forever? Why don’t you persuade your husband to get some treatments? Oh I know, you two are too old anyway, right?”
  5. (Same person as no.1): “Having children at your age is just so risky; you’d better stay childless unless you want children with severe ailments.”
  6. From a 60-something female ob-gyn whom I saw once for a regular check-up unrelated to infertility: “Are you sure you don’t want any children? I’ve known people who, in their old age, regret not pursuing fertility treatments.”

My husband, bless him, has the clear logic not to process these kinds of comments in his brain.  I have been trying to follow his example, but I don’t always succeed.  I am a naturally happy person and I certainly don’t carry the world’s burden on my shoulders.  However, comments like the ones above sometimes creep too far into my brain and darken my world.

I know it is up to me whether or not to let others’ ruthless words to affect me.  What I didn’t know was that it might take years before I can gracefully let rude comments slide. I also suspect people will comment without thinking 99% of the time, so I will be in a dark place 99% of the time too, unless I can truly make peace with our childlessness. Which, unfortunately, is not so easy in reality.

Therefore, as for now, whenever a rude comment is thrown my way and I can handle it without punching the offender in the mouth, I allow myself to celebrate.  Celebrations have so far include buying myself new lipsticks, and um, nice clothes.

Please tell me that it in time the comments will disappear/ I will grow a nice thick protective hide/ things will be okay. Meanwhile, somebody just asked whether my marriage was still intact despite the years of childlessness; I think I ought to go and buy myself a nice new bag.

SparklingRain lives with her husband and several outdoor cats in Indonesia. She blogs at  “As Fictional As the Truth.”

Children in my Future

file0001702978013A while ago, I wrote that I was focusing on finishing my novel this year. I’m happy to report that it’s coming along nicely, although still a long way from being ready.

In the story, one of the minor characters is a psychic, so when a friend said she was hosting a psychic at her house, I went along for a reading. Admittedly, I went under the guise of research, but to tell the truth, I was curious.

The psychic had lots of fun and interesting observations about me, including the pain in my knee that had begun that morning, my grandmother as my spirit guardian, and my past life as a female falconer. She also predicted that my creative work, long life, and financial fortune were all positively intertwined. This was just what I wanted to hear.

It got even more interesting when she colored my aura chart and included a large pointed triangle of pain/difficulty pointing directly at my ovaries. Given that my infertility is due to premature ovarian failure, you’ll understand why she suddenly had my attention.

So I was already looking to keep proving her right when she told me she saw in my future a cute little girl in shorts and socks, calling me Mom.

Even though I knew this wasn’t probable, I was surprised at the impact it had on me. Although biological children are out of the question, the possibility of being someone’s “Mom,” whether a legal adoptive mother, a guardian, or mom stand-in, are within the realm of possibility, if not the realm of probability. But that flicker of possibilities triggered a painful and unexpected pang of sadness.

Children came up again when the psychic read my cards, but I kept shaking my head and telling her it wasn’t possible. I told her then about my situation and that I had made peace with it and that I was okay. Finally, she said, “There are three aspects to healing: the head, the heart, and the soul. You may have resolved this in your head, logically, and may even be on your way to resolving it in your heart, but your soul doesn’t know it yet, and you need to resolve that, too.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about this idea and I’m starting to think she’s onto something. I definitely lead with my head. I think things through, rationalize, and apply logic. My head was definitely the first to come around to never having children. I am ok because I decided I had to be okay. My head went first and my heart followed slowly behind. But I’ve never given much thought to my soul.

There is a part of me that will always feel the loss of not having children. There’s an element of my spirit that longs to mother (ask my cat; she’ll vouch for that) and that part of me is often unfulfilled.

I’m not sure how to heal the soul aspect of this journey. Perhaps the souls of my children are out there and are longing equally for the mother they didn’t get to have. Maybe they’ll have to find other bodies to inhabit and perhaps we’ll meet at some point and I will mother them in some other way. I honestly have no idea, and I’m not sure if my belief system accepts this idea or can even choose to simply accept it as a way to help my soul find peace.

I know how to heal my heart with logic, and healing a heart is mostly a matter of time. But how do you heal a soul? If anyone knows, I’d love to hear.

It Got Me Thinking…About Games Grownups Play

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

One of the great ironies of my life is that I develop, market, and advertise products and services for kids and their families. Funny, right?

The tricky part is that I sometimes worry that I might lose out on a great job because I’m not a parent and am therefore subject to the misconception that I can’t possibly know what I’m talking about. And so I play The Game.

I’ve mastered many of the skills of The Game. I dodge pointed questions about my family makeup. I deflect, I bob and weave, I jump to the next topic. I nod with understanding when colleagues moan about parenting challenges, and I speak with authority about kids and what they want. I’m certain many people assume that I have a houseful of my own. Quite the contrary, but I don’t want a potential client to dismiss me or my input because I’m deemed less experienced.

And here’s what’s interesting: I think part of the reason I am so good at my job is because I don’t have children of my own. Because I don’t have to be responsible for any little guys, I’m better able to play with them, to get down to their level, to talk as equals. I have time and energy to interact with them, to really listen to them and discover how their amazing growing brains work.

I’m always blown away when the ol’ “You don’t understand because you’re not a mom” insult is lobbed my way. It hurts like hell, and I think the person saying it is clueless. I think my unique childfree experiences make me a better auntie, a better friend to humans of all ages, and an insightful and inspired writer.

But I’m also starting to wonder if I’ve become so good at hiding behind the smoke and mirrors of The Game that I’m missing opportunities to open hearts and minds. I’m starting to think that winning will feel a whole lot better when I’m accepted and acknowledged for who I am and all that I bring to the table. I’m thinking that maybe it’s time to rewrite the rules of The Game and start over.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree.

 

Guest Post: Becoming Disillusioned

Woman reflecting in mirrorBy Solo Girl 

Once in a while I’ll respond to posts on Life Without Baby, and I think I often come across as bitter and angry.  It’s been 4 years since the last nail in the Mommy coffin was slammed into place, and the truth is I am still bitter and angry and hurt and disillusioned about this new reality.  Life Without Baby is the only place I can share those feelings, and I thank Lisa from the bottom of my soul for providing this outlet.

In my every day public existence I am smiling and moving on and enjoying the life that is left to me.  I am congratulating sisters and cousins on their new pregnancies/babies and even buying them baby shower gifts.  I fill my life with charity work and dogs and good friends and family that go out of their way to visit me and help me around the house.  I am no longer staring at the wall, feeling my heart die in slow motion.  My purpose in life was to be a Mother.  Of that I am sure.  With the help of women like Lisa and Savvy Auntie I am now able to go about my daily routine again and even create a new life for myself where I actually smile.

But am I thankful?  Am I thankful that this is my life now?  No.  There is no word I resent more in the English language than ‘thankful’.  Do I feel that it’s a blessing?  Or worse, that ‘things happen for a reason’?  I want to punch people in the face who say that.    So there’s that bitterness and anger again.

For those of you just coming to terms with this reality, my heart goes out to you, and I hold out my arm for you to hold onto.  You WILL get through this.  You CAN smile again.  And I know from women like Lisa that you will build a happy life in time.  Keep reading; you will find healing words in these pages.

Solo Girl lives on her own with her 2+ dogs in Ontario, Canada.  She focuses her time on volunteer work and fostering rescue dogs.