As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Jen, 43, defines herself as childfree “largely by circumstance.” After she developed polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) as the result of long-undiagnosed Type II Diabetes, she and her husband of 20 years chose not to pursue fertility treatments. Giving up her dream of motherhood hasn’t been easy (see her answer to the “hardest part”), but she’s got a positive outlook and some sage advice for the rest of us on this journey. This is her story.

LWB: Briefly describe your dream of motherhood:

Jen: I wanted the whole experience—not just a baby, but a child, a teenager, and an adult child. I anticipated guiding my child to becoming a good person who liked his/herself and contributed positively to the world. I was prepared for the challenges, the detours, the heartaches, and I even knew how I wanted to handle all the negatives: with compassion (which I didn’t get a lot of from my own mother), consistent guidance, and lots of open dialogue. I wanted my children to know they belonged to a family that loved them, regardless of their inevitable faults. I wanted to pass down my family’s stories, recipes, gift of gab, and readiness to laugh.

 

LWB: What was the turning point for you?

Jen: We realized, after consulting with doctors, a pregnancy would be extremely high-risk and dangerous—for both me and our baby. My husband lost his parents young; he was just three when his mother died, and he physically cared for his dad from the time he was 11 years old until he was 20, when his dad finally succumbed to his disease. When I was told I was probably going to have kids with disabilities and/or health problems—if I even carried a baby to term—and that my own health would be further compromised regardless of the outcome, we decided not to continue. I didn’t feel it was fair to expect my husband to repeat the sacrifices he’d had to make as a kid. By this time, we had been married for 17 years. We had spent a good long time as a couple without kids, so we felt the adjustment wouldn’t be too difficult.

 

LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?

Jen: I often feel my life has no purpose; I’m just filling it up with “stuff” and idle pursuits.

 

LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?

Jen: We have more disposable income, which allows us to enjoy more travel and entertainments.

 

LWB: What have you learned about yourself?

Jen: I’m still me. The only thing that has changed is what I expect from my life.

LWB: What is the best advice you’d offer someone else like you?

Jen: Don’t second-guess your decisions, and don’t be swayed by what someone else thinks you should do. Consider your partner and his needs. Remember, you married him to be with him, not just to have babies.

 

LWB: Where are you on your journey?

Jen: Very much embracing Plan B!

 

LWB: What do you look forward to now?

Jen: Taking my niece to Walt Disney World, getting more involved with the local community theatre, compiling my old family photos and stories in albums, and learning how to sleep in!

 

Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Kelly A’s answer to “What do you look forward to now?” really struck a chord with me. She said, “I look forward to moving past depression and into the realm of acceptance. It seems like this is an unobtainable dream at this point of my darkest days.” I know exactly how she feels; I think many of us do. Yet, even in our darkest days (and for those of us in the U.S., that may coincide with the coming holiday weekend), we can find a glimmer of hope in our LWB sisters’ stories, for as Kelly said, “Seeing other women who have moved on gives me hope that I could be like them one day.”

If you are in your darkest days, I hope you’ll see in Kelly’s story that you are not alone. If you have moved on to brighter days, I hope you’ll share some encouragement in the Comments. Here’s more of Kelly’s story.

 

LWB: Please describe your dream of motherhood.

Kelly: I wanted to become a mother my entire life. When I hit my mid-20s, the urge struck pretty hard. My dream was to have a child that I could pour my love into, to have a child that I would raise with complete love.

 

LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?

Kelly: After I got out of a long relationship, I started working out, losing weight, and preparing myself to have a baby. My plan was to go to a sperm bank and just be a single mother by choice. I then become romantic with my husband (who was an old friend), and I was so happy because I didn’t have to use the sperm bank. I thought together we could make our dreams of having a loving family come true.

After I timed intercourse a few times and did not get pregnant, I had a gut instinct that something was wrong. I insisted on fertility testing and found out I had PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). I also had thyroid cancer that year, so that messed with my hormones. I gained a lot of weight, which led to anovulatory cycles. My husband got tested and found out he had primary testicular failure and produced a miniscule amount of sperm. He had surgery, but it was an utter failure. In fact, his counts were even lower after. It’s possible we could use a donor sperm, or IVF, but I have gained so much weight, and we don’t really have the money.

 

LWB: Where are you on your journey now?

Kelly: Depressed. I don’t believe in miracles when it comes to infertility. It’s pure random luck.

 

LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?

Kelly: Not having anyone understand my pain. They say, “How can you be sad for something that never existed?”

 

LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?

Kelly: Being able to be selfish and only focus on my husband and myself. Traveling on a whim, staying up late, going to bars and restaurants, and talking crap about annoying parents with my childless and childfree friends.

 

LWB: What’s one thing you want other people (moms, younger women, men, grandmothers, teachers, strangers) to know about your being childfree?

Kelly: I’d like people to understand that childfree (childless) people exist at all, and our lives still have value. For example, in my state of Arizona several years back, the Medicare system dropped all childless adults from its ranks. To be blatantly told that my life didn’t have enough value to justify health care, because I don’t have children, is so wrong.

 

LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”

Kelly: I just say no, then I tell them that that my husband and I are infertile. I enjoy the awkward silences in a sick way! When I’m really lucky, I meet other childless people who open up to me after hearing this news.

 

LWB: How has LWB helped you on your journey?

Kelly: It helped tremendously to read about other people’s struggles, to know that I’m not alone on those days when it feels like everyone else has a baby and that I’m a freak of nature. To know that my life still has value even though my body and my husband’s body can’t give life. When I read other LWB readers’ words, I see people who are worthwhile in their love, attention, fun, pain, and life, and I am amongst their ranks.

 

Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. This weekend she will be celebrating “Nurturer’s Day” to acknowledge teachers, aunties, nurses, caregivers, and all the “worthwhile” women who give “their love, attention, and fun” to better other’s lives.