“Just ride your husband like the stallion he is, then flip over like a dead bug.”
“Oh, get IVF. Just do it.”
“My friends just adopted from Guatemala; I’ll have them call you.”
There never seems to be a shortage of people with “helpful,” and usually unsolicited, advice that can send us reeling off with our backs up and our feelings hurt. The above quotes are taken directly from my own experience as I was dealing with infertility. All were from people who cared and wanted to help, and every single one hurt. But what about people who say the right thing?
For every person that said something hurtful, the were two more who said something kind (or sometimes just said nothing at all.) One friend who stands out is the woman who quietly confided that she and her husband had experienced similar issues and come to a decision. “We decided that we were already a family,” she told me. “We were just a family of two.” Her words really made me think about what it was I was questing for and eventually I came to the same conclusion that I was also happy with the family I already had—my husband and my cat.
Who are the people who said exactly the right thing at the right time to you?
Emily says
That’s a good question. When I first shared that we were suffering from IF, my true friends said..well, whatever you decide to do, good luck with it:) That was enough, and we really don’t discuss it. If something new comes up..I’ll share, but otherwise it just doesn’t fit into conversations, lol.
Kathryn says
I’m coming back to read, ’cause i need to hear some of the good things folks have said. Beyond silence (& feeling very invisible) about all that has been said to us is, “Are you still trying?”
I think my MIL thinks we should at least adopt, tho she’s not said much, but she doesn’t understand all that is behind the adoption process & other issues around it.
Katie Gentile says
Good/helpful responses: just mirroring how hard it was, how confusing it was, how overwhelming it was then pointing out the very obvious but always necessary to hear point that a meaningful fun life does not require children.
Stephanie Baffone says
Hi Lisa,
Hmmm…at the time, I felt like very few people ever said the right thing. I’d have to say my Mom. She was the best support a girl could ask for. So was my twin-sister.
Great post!
K says
the most helpful thing anyone said actually happened before the question of children even occurred to me. my friend (who is a mother of three) said “Not everyone is meant to have children. If I had it to do over, I don’t think I would.”
she’s the only person I ever heard say motherhood is optional. it opened my mind.
happynenes says
My mother-in-law has been great about the whole thing. Then, my husband’s sister is childless by choice – and having a great life (brilliant environmental chemist and athlete). So, it is just no big deal in that family. I don’t think it was so much one thing she said, she just seemed to kind of accept the whole thing without judging it. I don’t even feel like the topic is off limits with her, like I do with some of my other friends. We just have other things to talk about. It’s funny. I’m not sure why it is so easy with some people, and not with others.
Susan says
Oh how I wish more people would say the right thing. So many people say so many wrong things.
A friend told me one something once that brought me some peace. She said that before she and her husband decided to have a child she felt like they were already complete and they didn’t need a child to be a family because they already were. She said she knew that my husband and I had that completeness and not matter what we decided (to continue to try or not) she knew we would be happy with or without a child.
My husband never knew about that conversation and after our third loss we decided we had experienced enough heartache. He told me that we will certainly have a happy and wonderful life together because we already are a family, a family of two.
Those are my right things.
lmanterfield says
Thank goodness for those people who somehow manage to find the right thing to say. Let’s face it; it’s not easy. :-s
CC says
I had one friend who said, “Oh, I’m sorry, that must be so hard. I can’t imagine what it’s like for you.”
I haven’t asked her if she learned that from someone else, because it’s practically verbatim from Resolve, but it made me totally trust her. I even got together with her when she was 9 mos. pregnant (I’m kind of proud of that).
lmanterfield says
How did you respond to this? I think I would have been so shocked I would have stood there blinking at her. That really is the best thing anyone could say, no matter where it came from.
Annie says
Most of my friends kept telling me to “just adopt”. I got rid of those friends. I have now missed their birthdays without even sending a card, and don’t feel guilty about it.
Alma says
I’ve only just come across this website and blog. Thank you so much. I think I’m at the point of crossing the line but can’t admit it to myself. Your posts have helped put things into perspective. With regards to other people (or OFP, as I politely refer to them), the comments I have had range from ‘you can always adopt, I hated being pregnant anyway’ and ‘surrogates are quite popular nowadays’ to ‘You’re having IVF, aren’t you, so you’ll be fine’ and the standard ‘Don’t worry, it will happen’. I feel like screaming obscenities when I hear these comments and haven’t come up with suitable ways of shutting people up….yet!
Farah says
Alma, that is so so very difficult. I am so sorry. This is a great blog.
April says
I’m with you Alma, some people are clueless. I get those words all the time and I feel like screaming too. I just found this website a few days ago and it’s starting to slowly help.
lisa says
I can’t believe how slow the ivf in Australia is at flinders through government. Shame on how slow they do it.
Susan says
Alma: The comments you mentioned make it hard for me to want to meet new people. The blank stares, or “rude” comments, or abrupt changes of conversations speak volumes.
Alma says
Susan, I know how you feel…The number of times I have been asked if I had any kids, only for the subject to be changed abruptly or receive that pitty look when I say I don’t….I now avoid situations like that and meet my friends on a one to one basis, I’m a lot more comfortable with things that way.
Unfortunately we live in a society where isn’t dealt with very well, by anyone, in my opinion, which is why these online blogs and communities help. At least we have each other…..
A big hug xx
Alma says
Hi Susan
I know how you feel. I now avoid situations where I am likely to meet lots of new people, as I get fed up of pitty looks or people not knowing what to say when the subject of children comes up. I think the problem is that infertility is taboo in today’s society and people just don’t know how to handle it. My mother being the case in point!!! 🙂
That’s why blogs / online communities are great, at least we can vent to each other!
Sending you a big hug xx
Nikki says
I have two friends who are perfect. One never says anything. She just shows up when I need her whether or not I even know I need her. The other said “tell me how how awful this is” after the holidays and pretending I was ok, I really appreciate her.
the misfit says
Nikki, your friend #2 sounds like a gem. Perhaps you could clone her?
I have had a very few friends say the right thing, in some cases because they had obviously thought about how to (which of course I appreciate). But what I appreciate more are the people who say the right thing because they aren’t full of crap in the first place. They know life is hard – theirs, mine, everyone’s – and they have no desire to pressure me to come up with a picture-perfect existence to save them from discomfort.
And then there are some people who have said such fabulously wrong things that it blows my mind. I’m a religious Catholic, and my response to the (also Catholic) people who press – “Just adopt!” “It will happen!” “I’m praying a St. Gerard novena for you!” – is to hit them with THE WHOLE TRUTH. (This works better on close friends and family than strangers, but I’m willing to make exceptions if sufficiently provoked.) God let His own Son die on the cross, and I cannot bank on a get-out-of-suffering-free card I just haven’t found yet. We aren’t judged by what we’re given in this life (since we can’t take credit for that anyway), but by what we do with it. That’s what I’ve got to work on. And (heavily implied), so does the person asking the nosy questions!
Supersassy says
These are great posts, and timely with Mother’s Day almost here. I am child free related to health and circumstance. Both have been incredibly painful. We went as far as we could with infertility treatments, which was difficult. Then we decided to adopt,and worked, of that for about 5 years. We finally got into contact with a birth mother, and I talked to here ever week for months, even leading up to the delivery. I could not believe we were going to be parents. The birth mom called me from the hospital and told me she was not sure she could sign the papers. I told her she had to do what was best for her. She signed the papers and we brought our son home. We were euphoric. After2 days the birth mother changed her mind and wanted her son back. We decided not to fight this decision, our attorney handled things very poorly and we had to return our son to another attorney for the birth parents topics him up.it has been the most awful traumatic thing we have been thru. Since this experience we decided we could not put ourselves thru more heartbreak ,besides the financial component. I have had some great things people have said to us, but so other really hurtful. But I realize people have no idea how to console in the situation. I am grateful for these communities to share feelings with people who really understand. Thank you all for you stories
jenifer says
My neighbor, who has lost one child and has a second one with special needs, once told me “It is easy to romanticize motherhood.”
Sara says
I’m new to this situation and this site. We were struck with IF as an unmeti0ned side effect to a medical procedure on my husband that didn’t even WORK! The nicest thing anyone has ever said was my boss. She said she wasn’t able to have kids but she has a mountain home and a beach house. And while it’s still painful, some how the extra expendable income makes it a bit easier to bear. Then she grinned.
Susan says
One person actually said the right thing to me, when finding out that fertility treatments hadn’t worked and I had given up. It’s funny, because this person is my partner’s best friend who is probably one of the most tactless people I have ever met. He generally says exactly what he things without editing.
He said, “I’m so sorry. That really sucks. You would’ve made a great mom.”