Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Archives for October 2010

Happily Childless, Not-So-Happily Infertile

Recently I’ve been dreaming about babies. These aren’t sad dreams or dreams of longing, just dreams in which I’ve interacted, in a very tender way, with a baby that wasn’t mine. I’ve woken up thinking about the dream, but not upset by it.

Last night I had a different dream. I was on one of those double decker open-topped tour buses (like the one I took in San Francisco last week) and the tour guide asked if anyone had ever tried (and he implied, failed) to have a baby. I reluctantly put up my hand. Looking around the bus, I saw that I was the only one.

“And what was that like?” asked the tour guide.

“It was horrible,” I replied. “It’s completely out of your control and there’s nothing you can do about it. There are procedures and things you can do to help, but you can’t control whether they work or not.”

After that the dream gets fuzzy and I woke up feeling very out-of-sorts.

Pottering around the kitchen this morning, I knew this would be a blog post of some nature, I just didn’t know about what. The dreams didn’t make much sense and I couldn’t decipher any meaning to them.

Buttering my toast, it came to me.

I am happily childless, but I am not happily infertile. I have reconciled the fact that I am not going to have children and I am okay with that. In fact, the more time passes, the more I realize how much I enjoy my life without children and what an upheaval to that life children would be. The part I haven’t yet reconciled is my infertility. I still can’t fully get to grips with the idea that my body failed me and that, no matter how hard I worked, not matter how dedicated I was to the goal,  there was nothing I could do to change that.

I don’t feel alone in my childlessness–the majority of my friends don’t have children—but infertility is still, and maybe will always be, something that makes me feel like the odd one out—the only person on the bus with her hand in the air.

Childless in the Workplace

A friend of mine was recently offered a “promotion.” The job came with more prestige and opportunity, but also a significant increase in stress and responsibility, and no increase in pay. My friend wanted the job, but politically, she knew she had to take it. Declining the offer would have been a mark against her for future opportunities, so she accepted the position (and is now working crazy hours, weekends, and also had her planned vacation cancelled.) She later came to find out that someone else had been offered the job, but had turned it down because he has children. My friend, with no children, had no legitimate excuse for not taking the job. If she’d refused because she wanted to spend more time with her fiancé, she doesn’t think she would have a job at all today. Yes, my friend was able to take that opportunity, and yes, it will serve her well in her future career, but it seems that more is expected of childless employees.

Have you found this in your workplace?

Nobel Prize Awarded to Father of IVF

Last week, Robert G. Edwards was awarded the Nobel Prize in Psychology and Medicine for his work in in vitro fertilization. Edwards pioneered the technique that has allowed millions of infertile women to have biological children (about 4 million so far) of their own. There is no disputing that his work was ground-breaking and has made a huge and largely positive impact on our society.

And yet…

When I heard the announcement on the radio, my toes curled. I never went through IVF myself, but through this website, I’ve spoken to many women who have. I’ve heard their stories about the treatment, the drugs, the pain and the sickness, and I’ve heard about the failed attempts, numerous failed attempts in some cases. The two men discussing the Nobel Prize on the radio gushed about the miraculous technology and explained for the audience the basic process of retrieving, fertilizing, and transplanting the egg. Their commentary was full of wide-eyed wonder. But there was no mention of the drugs, the pain, the expense, the heartache, and I felt that they only told a fraction of the story.

I try to keep perspective and not allow any lingering bitterness about my own infertility to taint my opinion, but that’s impossible. I can’t unknow what I know, and yes, IVF has had a positive impact on millions of women, but it’s been a detriment to many more. Unfortunately, that side of the story is still seldom told.

Whiny Wednesday

I probably should have let my husband write this post as he’d tell it more honestly than me, and he might also garner a little sympathy, but he’s not available so I’m writing it myself. The fact is, I’m grumpy. I’m shirty, short-tempered, intolerant, cranky, and apparently I am in the habit of biting off people’s heads. There’s a reason for all this I suppose, but writing it makes it sound like nonsense. Still, for the sake of honesty, I’ll tell you.

I have my Mum in town for 6 weeks. I love having her here. She comes every year. I know how this works. I want to spend as much time as possible with her while she’s here and my schedule is flexible (plus I don’t have children), so I can. This doesn’t, however mean that I can take a six-week vacation! And this is where my grumpiness comes from. I need to work, I want to work, I want to spend time with Mum, so the work gets pushed aside and then I get stressed when I realize I haven’t done anything and I have a deadline (like this blog that I committed to posting on daily) and then I get grumpy when things don’t get done.

I know, poor me, and yes, I know I makes no sense, but it is Whiny Wednesday so I thought I’d take advantage and get it off my chest.

Finding My Passion Again

Two Champion Cyclists!

This past weekend I took part in a big organized bike event. Along with my husband, mother, and some good friends, I pedaled my old Trek through 35 miles of beautiful Wine Country. It was a tough ride and I wasn’t quite as fit as I should have been, but still, I made it up the grueling two-mile-long hill, down the wild descent on the other side, and then turned around and went back over the same hill—wild climb up and grueling two-miles down! By the end I was exhausted, ready for the complimentary cold beer and mountain of paella, a hot shower and a long nap. And I did all of those things and THEN went out for beer and fish and chips with my family and friends. It was a fantastic day.

The ride reminded me how much I love biking and running, how much I used to enjoy training and participating in events. Somewhere in the mess of trying to become a mother, I lost sight of this. The ride inspired me to do more, to find other events and train to participate. And I can do that. I can get up early and go for runs; I can take an entire Saturday morning to go for a long training bike ride; and then I can do an all-day event and conk out on the couch in peace for the rest of the afternoon.  In short, I can do the things that please me, because the only other person I have to consider is my husband, and he’s a big boy who can choose to come along with me or stay home and entertain himself. Right now, I am grateful for this freedom to do something good for myself.

What about you? Over the years, what have you pushed aside that used to make you happy?  What haven’t you done for a long time that you could do now? And what would it take to do those things again?

It Got Me Thinking…About Tax Refunds

As in any election year, we’re hearing a lot about taxes and fixing our schools…and that got me thinking. I have no issue with paying taxes. I like that our government takes care of things like maintaining roads and bridges, supporting our armed services, providing social services, and running arguably the fairest judicial system in the world. And back in the days when I was certain kids were in my future, I didn’t see a problem with supporting public schools with my tax dollars. Now, however, I feel kind of cheated. Since I won’t be sending any kids to public school, I’m kind of pissed about having to support other peoples’ offspring. In fact, I’d like a refund.

 

Do you think it’s fair that childfree people have to contribute funds to public schools? And what did you invest in pre–LWB days for which you’d now like a refund?

 

 

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. Her articles have appeared in AAA’s Westways, GRIT, Real Simple, and 805 Living magazines. Read “How to Be the World’s Best Aunt Ever” on eHow.com.

Mom Clothes? No Thanks!

I just received a new clothing catalog in the mail from a company I’ve never heard of before. (How do I get on these lists?) Thumbing through, I realized that every other model was posing in a scene of family bliss—staggeringly good looking husband and adorable cherub-like child, faithful family dog and adorable cherub-like child, or idyllic home and (you guessed it) adorable cherub-like child. AND the models were all tiny skinny things who didn’t look old enough to have a brood of cherub-like kids. It was like playing Where’s Waldo? looking for myself in there.

The good news in all this is that I hated the clothes. There wasn’t one thing I even remotely liked in the catalog. They were mom clothes and as I am not a mom I don’t feel the need to wear gaudy print smocks and modest necked sweaters. Another perk of being a non-mom.

Now to get myself off this mailing list.

Thank Goodness I Don’t Have Kids

Right now, my life feels like a hot mess (this is the reason I wrote this post for Tuesday and then forgot to hit the button to actually post it, so am posting it today instead!) It’s nothing serious, thank goodness, but everything around me is in chaos. Work is crazy busy, with fires flaring up faster than I can put them out, and new projects starting while deadlines for other keep getting pushed. My school stint has started up again, my house looks as if a tornado swept through, my garden is in its death throes due to lack of care, my husband, when he’s not traveling,  is feeling neglected, and my mum is here for her annual 6-week visit. Oh and my cat won’t come out from under the bed as long as my husband is in the room. Like I say, nothing serious, but I’m finding myself waking up in the night with my task list racing through my head and spending my days careening from job to job with my hair on fire. And one thought keeps popping into my head: Thank goodness I don’t have kids.

Oh sure, if I had kids, I’d probably work less, take on less, let more slide by the wayside, but the truth is, I don’t want that. I love my work, all my crazy jobs. I love being my own boss and calling my own shots. I love pulling an all-nighter (all-nighter meaning working until 10 pm these days, but you know what I mean) and delivering a project on time, knowing I went the extra mile. And I love being able to sit in bed in the early hours, drinking my morning coffee in peace, and tapping out the blog post that I didn’t have time to write the day before.

There’d be so many sacrifices to make if I had kids, and perhaps they’d be worth making, but right now I’m glad I don’t have to.

Whiny Wednesday: Taking the Day Off

I’m taking this Whiny Wednesday off. I feel as if I’ve done nothing but whine all week, so instead I’m going to be Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary and list all the things I’m happy about today:

  1. My mum is here to visit, and she’s healthy enough to travel and fun to spend time with.
  2. My husband has the patience of Job and despite teasing me about being grumpy of late, he puts up with me.
  3. My cat loves me, in her own odd feline way. I am her #1 person.
  4. There is money in my bank account and food in my fridge, gas in my car and a roof over my head.
  5. I love my job, in fact I love all my jobs, even the ones that don’t pay.
  6. I have a great group of kids to mentor in my school program, and even though I want to take all of them home wih me, I am sane enough to understand that I can’t and won’t.
  7. I have friends who trust me enough to call me when they are in crisis.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. If you need to let it all out, go ahead. If not, tell me what you’re happy about today.

27 More Days ‘Til Halloween

Is it really October already? My goodness this year has flown. Back in May, during our discussions about that holiday, someone mentioned Halloween as being their second least favorite holiday as a non-mom. I must say I vacillate between loathing and loving Halloween. In years past I have gone out of town, or at least out of the house, to avoid all the impish cherubs begging for candy on my doorstep. Sometimes the cute factor is just too much to bear. Other years I’ve stocked up on candy and joyously given handfuls to every sized kid in the neighborhood. Hey, I never claimed to be logical or rational about my childlessness.

This year, the jury is still out. Maybe I’ll pull out my skull lights and Marcus the Carcass, my glow in the dark lawn ornament, and show some enthusiasm…or maybe I’ll turn out all the lights and pretend I’m not home. As I don’t have kids, the prerogative is mine.

What about you? Do you love or hate Halloween? Is it a holiday for kids or is it a better holiday without kids in tow?