By The One Hand Man
This may turn out to be a contentious post, and I know it doesn’t apply to everyone, but I have said before that from adversity, comes strength.
I mentioned to a friend the other day about infertility and IVF stripping you down to your very core. It is an energy sapping process, and has a bearing on your soul, that nothing can prepare you for.
So how do we negotiate our way through the mire that is IVF, and come out the other side stronger than before?
Ask your partner
My wife and I have a very open and communicative relationship – this was the bridge stone in not only maintaining our sanity, but improving ourselves as well, during the IVF process.
There were times when my heart wept for my wife, and my brain mustered nothing in terms of words of consolation, but I knew that what she was going through was a dark period in her life, and my feelings, at times, had to be put to one side.
However, I knew it would be remiss of me to ignore my feelings completely, and indeed my wife did an excellent job of allowing me to feel without the pressure of having to talk.
Her subtle and gentle encouragement was enough for me to talk, as and when I needed to, and not just when she needed to. Even more remarkable given that her body was ravaged by hormones.
Rebuild
IVF and infertility knocked us sideways, and only on reflection have we realised how emotionally, and psychologically draining it was.
Having said that, we stated at the outset, that we needed to stick together, to form an alliance against infertility, if we were going to see the other side – and we managed just that.
IVF broke us down, but time, and commitment to each other, helped with the rebuild. What I didn’t expect though, is that what we built back up was stronger than before.
From the beginning our marriage had to be protected to combat the test we were putting it through. Only in this way would we emotionally be in a place to provide a good enough parenthood to a future child. Infertility and IVF had been shared between my wife and me, and we stood firm. That experience added layers to our relationship that allowed us to stand even firmer, with our heads high.
Infertility beat us, but we were not beaten. Like I said… from adversity comes strength.
The One Hand Man: Married in 07, sperm test in 08, IVF in 09, another sperm test in 10, adoption started in 11 – still going through the adoption process. Not had any recent sperm tests. Read more at: www.theonehandman.co.uk
I completely agree. In our case, we were married for about 10 years before we even started trying, and so we had a long history of being on the same team. I won’t say it was always easy to regroup and re-build, but we are stronger than ever before. We have fewer misunderstandings, and have learned better ways of resolving what conflicts we do have. In a way, it’s ironic that we’d be better parents now that we would have been without our struggle.
There were points where I wasn’t sure my marriage would survive. We worked hard to keep our marriage strong. Now that it is over, we are learning how much we love and need each other. That is the part of this whole ordeal that makes me feel grateful.
I was just thinking about this the other day. Going through infertility really tested our relationship. We always knew we loved each other, but we definitely withdrew from each other for years and suffered alone. I also think that having gone through it made our relationship stronger. And that we would be better parents now because of it. If we had gotten pregnant back then, I actually think we might have gotten divorced over the added stress of a baby. Oh, the irony of it. Yesterday, at the end of “mother’s day” I was reflecting on how far we have grown, how happy I am, and how lucky we are to have each other and our life. And that is huge just to be able to feel that way again.
THANK YOU for providing the male perspective on IF. 🙂 IF was the biggest hurdle so far in our marriage and I was REALLY scared at that time ‘coz I didn’t want IF to be the gaping ravine between us, so I vowed silently with the wrath of a woman who was ravaged by IF blows that I must put our marriage first before baby making. And I’m glad we’ve survived the storms and now that we’ve surrendered to life without children, it feels like we’re constantly having a honeymoon he he he he he…THANK GOD for His grace as well and His peace beyond understanding during my toughest moments.
Thanks for your comments. I know we were tested at the time, but I cannot remember it being that difficult – I think probably because of the lapse of time between then and now. We both suffered some pretty dark periods, but we actually had a conversation before that our marriage was number one priority.