After telling a friend recently that I haven’t had an invitation to a baby shower in years, guess what popped into my inbox last week?
But here’s the kicker: the invitation is from someone I don’t know who’s throwing a shower for someone else I don’t know, who happens to be expecting twins.
I scratched my head for a while wondering how to handle this. Should I point out I know neither the hostess nor the mother-to-be or should I just show up bearing gifts? (Okay, I was kidding about the latter.)
I guess this is the Universe’s strange idea of a practical joke, and for once, I’m actually laughing.
It’s Whiny Wednesday. What strange, ironic, or downright annoying things are going on in your Universe right now?
My husband and I have decided after 4 years of ttc, iui, ivf and donor egg (yes donor egg didnt even work for us!) we r moving forward with our lives… Anyway I am a teacher and was just honored as an outstanding teacher in my community. I wanted to put up the newspaper article on the community school bulletin board so the others in the building could congratulate the student who wrote the essay that won me the award but was told that we had to make room for pictures of the grand baby and the new baby of one of the teachers that work in the building as well (born just that day, of course!) so, no… my accomplish can not b shared bc others r busy having babies and posting them on the community board…. Yes, still bitter, it’s early in my healing process…. But it is Whiny Wednesday!! So thanks for listening and letting me share here with u girls!!!
I’m sorry Kristine, that such a wonderful honor and recognition for you is so marginalized. That is the one word I think of the most when I think of those of us living without children. We are marginalized, on the outside, no place for us in the world it seems, except on the periphery.
Congratulations to you on such a wonderful achievement!
Well, the hell with marginalization… I second Maria… stick that letter in there yourself!!
If I were you, I would post it on the bulletin board myself over photos if necessary. Telling you that you can’t is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.
Well, I’m seriously p_s__d off on your behalf!!! How dare they!! Especially, as this is something that is actually relevant school news!
Congratulations! I would stick it on the bulletin board anyways!
I would put it up too. Or get a bigger board. 😉 As Iris said, yours is actually school-related news!
I’ve been struggling with regret lately. I don’t know why I torture myself, but I’ve been looking back at the decisions I made in my life that led me to this point of a childless life. I stayed with the wrong man throughout my most fertile years (26-36) trying to decide if we should get married. We eventually went our separate ways, but after much wasted time and many wasted fertile years. By the time I did get married I was 39 and now after 7 1/2 years of marriage, no children; just one heartbreaking miscarriage.
I have so many regrets about wasting time with the wrong person… and then after getting married to the right person finally, a thousand things could have contributed to my infertility that I might have been able to avoid. I ask myself every day what could I have done to help improve my chances?? I kick myself every day about things ranging from poor diet, the wrong supplements, gmo’s and pesticides in our foods, chemicals in our water… etc. My head swims with what if’s and self-talk like “It’s your own fault, you should have done more, you should have done better, you should have made better decisions, you should have eaten all organic, you should have … etc.” Does anyone else here walk around with so much guilt and self-loathing?
When I was pregnant last year, I had a friend who was also pregnant. She asked me to be her child’s godmother, and I happily agreed. When I miscarried last year, she went on with her pregnancy and delivered a healthy baby boy three months later. The pain of my miscarriage was so fresh that I could not go to her baby shower. As the baptism approached, every fiber of my being was screaming to back out, but out of fear of appearing weak and unreliable, I went through with it and now I regret it. It was all I could do to smile through the baptism and when it was over I was an emotional wreck for weeks. Now pictures of my godson are all over her page on Facebook and I’ve had to take her off of my newsfeed because I just can’t see it. I regret going through with the baptism because now I feel like an awful friend and awful godmother. I just can’t be there for them the way I normally would, the way I would like to be. I like to expect more from myself. When I fall short on love and responsibilities and living up to my own expectations (as a potential mom, or as a godmother), I feel like a failure.
My friend and I are not that close at this time now. As suspected, as this is her third child, she is too busy to keep in contact anyway, which is a relief for me, as it’s so hard to see her and her three smiley wonderful happy perfect children. I wish I had backed out. I think it would have been the right thing to do in the self-care department.
Mary,
I wouldn’t totally back out of being godparent. You have a great deal on your emotional plate right now but how you feel today will not be the same as how you feel in a year or two or three so I would keep the door open as best as possible.
I used to think I would never feel differently but I can honestly say 4 1/2 years out that I do feel different. Yes I still have moments of incredible regret and “what ifs” but they do not last as long as they used to so hang in there.
Thank you Wendy. Walking the tightrope between hope and regret is a precarious place to be! As I move closer to menopause, I move further away from hope and closer to regret. I wonder what would happen if I just jump off of the tightrope altogether? 🙂
I’ve worked through a lot of what you feel with a therapist. I am the godmother of a beautiful 3 year old girl. I let her mother know that I needed a break to get healthy but that I would be back in godmother mode when I felt better. (We were going to adopt a toddler so I felt a lot of pain around her). Perhaps that isn’t possible in your case but give yourself some time.
Thank you bubli. I’ve been searching for a counselor that my insurance will cover. I hope to find the right one very soon!
I have done the same, looked back, regretted my choices, did the old, what if routine. Sometimes it helps to keep a journal of your thoughts. When I did that, it helped me come to the realization that everything I did when I was younger was necessary for my personal growth and nothing I could have done back then would have changed my current outcome (nor would I want it to). It also helped me to write down inspiring quotes and stick them on my computer because it forced me to read them all day and then they became ingrained in your everyday thinking. One was, “I accept and embrace my life” and I can honestly say that I truly feel that way today. That one helped me the most.
I think we live in a society where the idea that we can choose and make our destiny has become ideology. Of course, we do have more “choices” than people who might have lived some hundred years ago. But as Mary’s post (and the voices of many other childless-not-by-choice-women I’ve heard from or read from over the last 3 years) clearly show: This ideology has a very depressing and destructive downside. We can make some choices, yeah. But that doesn’t mean that fate just deals unfair cards to some people at some points in our lives, wether we “chose” to or not.
Recently I’ve been remembering Douglas Adam’s book “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy”, if anyone knows that. in one episode in the book, the aliens inhabiting a far away planet invent the mightiest and cleverest of computers and give it the task to find them the answer to “life, the universe and everything”.
After many years of calculating, the computer delivers the answer. The answer to “life, the universe and everything” is: 42.
Of course the aliens are not happy but the computer tells them, that this is indeed the right answer. Only: They didn’t ask the right question.
Some things just don’t make sense. Our human brains are wired to put an order into things, so that we may be able to act and interact in our world. But it’s us who’s trying to “make” this order. The world is not ordered. And sometimes we get to feel that.
This is very helpful Elena. I have been desperately trying to make order out of this chaos, mostly by trying to find someone to blame. Myself and God have both been getting the blame, but mostly me. It does help to make sense of it all when there’s someone to point a finger at, even if it’s ourselves.
For my entire adult life I’ve accomplished everything I’ve set out to do: go to college, travel, get married, build a career, buy a home. This is the one thing that the universe has not cooperated with me on, and it’s a biggie! I guess it’s my “42” in my life. Thanks for the reminder of that story, I heard it years ago and forgot it, and the lesson that goes with it!
Elena, this was a nice way of putting things. Great perspective. Thank you!
Thanks for this Maria. I have stickies all over my computer too! The one that helps me the most is: “Acceptance is not the betrayal of what we wanted”. Another great one is: “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” I will add your quote to my stickie collection.
glad it was inspiring for you.
@Mary: I love the quote “acceptance is not the betrayal of what we wanted”. Guess I need a stickie.
I recently attended to some self care myself. My husband and I had couple friends with children of their own. They made us feel very special by asking us to be guardians if they ever passed.
It was all unicorns and magic until they continuously made comments about us not knowing things parents do and had opinions on how we spent money.
They then got pregnant and, having sold all their baby stuff for their 1 1/2 year old, had a baby shower for their third child. We stuck it out due to the flattery of guardianship. I respectfully backed out of the shower but still gave a gift. This was the beginning of the end though and we no longer communicate with them. I still have a lot of negative self talk about not being able to conceive (unexplained infertility). But I’m still trying to recuperate from another woman saying things to me that were so inconsiderate.
I think she was an unhappy person and possibly jealous of my childless freedoms but seriously? Is that a way to treat another person?
My cousins have the tact of a 2′ x 4′. She recently asked if our adoption didn’t work out because we were trying to adopt “normal” children or “defective” children! Fortunately, my mom was there to move the topic along but how the hell do you respond? Plus, they complained I don’t spend enough time with them.
Apparently, this is the discussion going on in the larger family and they wonder why I am ignoring their e-mails – sigh!
After a really long day I come home and while driving to run an errand a rock hits my windshield and the glass begins to crack. The crack grew 1 1/2 in in less than 10min! We have an appointment tomorrow and now I have to drop off my car to get fixed. On the bright side insurance will cover this but it’s quite a hassle and not what I needed this afternoon. Thanks for letting me whine.
Whine: We found out last week that my mother-in-law has aggressive breast cancer. She will have to have a mastectomy and possibly remove her ovaries.
But the good news is that we found out yesterday that they caught it early and it hasn’t spread to her bones. We are celebrating her birthday today and that it hasn’t spread – Yay!
I can’t believe how vain one of our friends wife is, she has to post on facebook “happy 2nd trimester to me today” seriously come on. I’m sick to my stomach “click” “hide” Better yet delete it all together!
Mary, Maria, Iris D, and bubli, Thank you so much for the support. Today was a difficult day. I went back to the Dr for a “follow-up” appointment after the disaster donor egg failure. I checked your comments through out the day (about my whine, and yes, I am going to post the newspaper clipping right next to the babies!) and your and your support made me feel like I was not alone. This is such a terrible time when you know you are out of options,and I know I need to move forward, so your support meant everything to me today! I thank you all!!! xoxoxo – Kristine
Glad I could help!
*Hugs* to you Kristine. I’m glad you’re going to post the newspaper clipping! I get so much support here, that I’m glad to provide it for others as well.
🙂 I got caught up with the ridiculousness of it all and forgot to CONGRATULATE you for making a difference in the lives you touch. I am beyond sure that your kids will remember you very fondly. My facebook page is full of pics of my former students… one of them will be on the next food network star show.