When I first began this blog, my mission was to create a safe community for women who don’t have children, “whether by choice, chance, or circumstance.” My intention was to be inclusive, but in some ways, that definition only perpetuates the stereotypes that society puts on us: if you don’t have children you either couldn’t, made lifestyle choices and ran out of time, or chose not to bother.
In reality, it’s never so simple as that.
I am infertile. There is no question that my body wasn’t able to reproduce of its own accord and I am childless by circumstance, but that doesn’t mean that choice and chance didn’t have a hand in it too.
Having children was always my plan for as long as I can remember, but in my teens I chose not to have children by practicing the safe sex tactics that had been drilled into me by sex education programs, friends’ dire warnings, and startling stories in teen magazines—that and a healthy smattering of blind dumb chance.
In my early 20s I chose a career over motherhood; there was a great big world and a great big me to explore before I settled down into the role of mother.
In my early 30s I was ready, but chance worked against me by tempting me with a potential mate who turned out to not want kids. At the time, I didn’t have the means or the guts to do it alone.
Finally, in my mid-30s, I met Mr. Fab and set out to become a mother. But circumstance prevailed and I wasn’t meant to have a child easily or naturally. It wasn’t that I didn’t choose motherhood, more that motherhood didn’t choose me.
So, I had another choice to make. Given medical intervention, sufficient high-powered drugs, enough attempts, and sufficient money to do them all, motherhood might have been an option for me. Given enough time and emotional stamina, adoption might have worked out, too.
But I chose not to keep pursing fertility treatments; I chose not to hire someone to produce a baby for me; and most of all, I chose not to sacrifice my marriage for the sake of an endless quest for motherhood. I made a choice that was right for me, so does that mean I am childless-by-choice?
The problem with labels is that they’re one-size-fits-all. But when it comes to not having children, we really come in all shapes and sizes, don’t we?
What choices did you make on your journey? Do people make assumptions about why you don’t have children?
Absolutely! I just posted my blog that ended on this note yesterday. My husband and I both consider ourselves to have chosen life without kids. The way we see it is we’ve worked hard to get to that point and it’s been a journey to “earn” the right to call ourselves childfree by choice. I see it as a transition going from childless to childfree. As long as you can call yourself childfree you are getting into the right mindset no matter if it still hurts sometimes (or in the beginning all the time).
I always wanted to be a mother; that was the career I would have *chosen.* …I began to write my story here, but it’s too long. Suffice it to say that self-esteem issues were probably the culprit in most of the circumstances leading to my childfree status. I am sure people make assumptions, too, but they are not likely half as cruel as I imagine.
Huh. I don’t like thinking about this. Probably an indicator that I still have a lot to work through. 🙂
I think it’s important to take responsibility for your choices, even if you never intended them to lead you to being childless, in order to be able to heal and move on. In my case, I grew up in a dysfunctional family in poverty so I was very careful to not get pregnant when I was single. I focused on my education and my career because I knew I needed to depend on myself if I was ever to be financially secure and I am. I take responsibility for the fact that I never tried to get pregnant in my 20s. But then I met my husband at 29 and I wanted to get married right away and start having children, and he did not. Then when we were unable to have our own children, I wanted to adopt and he did not. I know marrying him was my choice, and accepting his feelings on the issue was my choice (because I didn’t want to bring a child into our relationship unless we both wanted it). But if I could have everything my way, we would have children right now and that is difficult to accept sometimes. I have to keep reminding myself that I still may never have had children if we got married sooner, or I married someone else, or if we tried to adopt. I feel like most people assume I never wanted children because I worked so hard at my career and that hurts too.
Thank you for your story Maria. How do you manage potential feelings of resentment towards your husband? Also, how do you manage the times when it is “difficult to accept” your choice to stay with your spouse as opposed to pursuing your dream of having a family?
There is choice in choosing NOT to continue with treatments, adoptions, etc. There is choice in choosing a mate who may not want children. There is choice in delaying childbearing so you aren’t single, financially unstable, etc. But if you are ready to have a child, discussed it or tried, and can’t have one – that is being childless NOT by choice. I would have chosen a child if I could and it hurts.
My “childfree by choice” friends don’t feel and haven’t felt that loss or pain. To say my husband and I are child free by choice feels like a negation of what we went through and denial of a very real loss that is already not recognized by society-at-large.
We are travelling, learning scuba diving, taking classes and doing many things because we don’t have children and need to adapt to this new lifestyle. We can’t stew in our pain forever. In time, we might be “childfree by chance but loving it.” We’re not close but that is the goal we hope to reach.
I suppose I “chose” to stay with a man I loved, though he could not give me children without treatment, and he didn’t want to undergo treatment, and had little interest in adoption. Like Maria, above, if I had it my way, we would probably have had children. I think my choice was love for my spouse, or love for a hypothetical child.
IrisD,
I find your story comforting, as I am with a wonderful and loving man who was married, had two children and then a vasectomy. I had always wanted children, but cherish him and our relationship more. Like you and Maria, if I had my way, we would have children of our own, but he does not want to get a vasectomy reversal. I am also choosing him as opposed to a hypothetical child, although the decision is one I never thought I would have to make. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes….you know the rest. Love is not so predictable…but I sometimes worry that I will have regrets. Can anyone speak to this?
What a great article. I am so relieved to find this world opening up, I searched online a number of years ago and didn’t find anything I could relate to until now. I identify with aspects of every single commentator too. It’s a checkerboard of feelings, when it really sinks in that I will never have my own children, seeing how it is a result of my choices AND circumstance. Realizing how much rage I feel (at myself, at my exes), how much grief (tinged with slight menopausal madness); and yet I also feel thankfulness for what I have instead, and sometimes, on a good day, hints of joy at the possibilities of plan B. It is definitely a situation and a life that escapes quick judgments and one-word definitions. Thank you for blogging about it, I look forward to reading more.
YES.
this. 100%
I own that all my choices have led me to where I am today. I’m still coming to terms with it though. And I suppose still struggling with my choices ahead of me.
I grew up in a joyless home. While it was not abusive or scary, it was not a warm fuzzy sort of family and it left me with no real desire to pursue a family of my own. Lots of lonely, sad days. Looking back I can see that all my relationships have been based on what sort of ready-made family my mate offered me. I wanted that fun boisterous sitcom family. As soon as I started dating someone I would be totally on board with dinner with their parents, hanging out with their siblings. I loved being a part of them and did my best to be pleasing.
Even a lot of my friendships are based on what I’ve been missing. I have several friends who are the age of my mother. Most friends are very careful with me. I used to get very hurt by friends who were distant and this would lead to drama. I would bask in good attention by in-laws but since I didn’t know how, I rarely gave back. It was never enough. Rejection from any family member would crush me.
Spending time with all these issues might make some women have as many children as soon as possible to fill that void. But I was not confident, non trusting and scared. I didn’t want to repeat these issues with my own children so I waited. And since my romantic relationships with partners mostly focused on their family instead of a shared love, things rarely made it to “let’s have children” level. After multiple failed relationships (a broken engagement, a divorce, and currently rebuilding a very damaged marriage) I’m finally “getting it”. Other people can’t heal me. I can’t wiggle my way into a a family and pretend I belong. Or get annoyed when they have their own unique qualities and challenges that I can’t begin to understand. These sort of relationships take years of shared experiences to build and appreciate.
As I said, I am rebuilding my marriage and the time has been worth it. Things are wonderful. I’m learning how to be a proper friend, partner, and genuine person. However, a lifetime of wrong directions isn’t healed quickly. Without realizing it – I choose to be where I am today. In all areas of my life. At 39 I’m finally getting it. Unfortunately time is running out. I have to make good decisions from here on out and this might lead me to not have children. Most days I doubt I will (for various reasons and actions of my husband, not just my prior issues) Which is why I come here for support.
I truly feel for the women on here who have wonderful marriages, plenty of money, a good head on their shoulders and have a husband who wants a family with them and their only problem is medical. How frustrating to “have it all” except they really don’t.
Thank you, S, for your graceful look at life…choices aren’t always simple, and we’re not always well-equipped to make “good” choices (or the options are less than stellar), for so many reasons. I also take ownership of my path in life, and am learning that doesn’t have to feel like self-blame.
If you always had regrets, always wished you had children, and continue to wish you had children, I would not consider you “childfree by choice.”
I would consider you “childless by circumstance.” Life happens and life is complex. Yet and still, there are people whose true aspiration is to have children even if life circumstances are not conducive to having children and their life turns out without children.
Thank you. I completely agree. Just because someone has learned to come to terms with their childlessness, accept it, and maybe even find some happiness in it… doesn’t mean that they are necessarily childless by CHOICE. I much prefer the term ‘childless by circumstance’.
To me, ‘Childless by Choice’ is someone (like two of my very dearest friends) who have decided that they do not want children, and as such, actively avoid pregnancy. Childless by Circumstance, on the other hand, is someone who would love children, but for whatever assortment of reasons is not able to/has not been able to conceive.
I used to assume that anyone without children didn’t have them by choice unless they said otherwise. Now that my husband and I are going through our own fertility I now wonder about those people and what their story is.
This post puts things in perspective for me. I think a lot about the difficulities and unfairness of infertility and often forget that as far as I know I don’t have issues. My husband has feritility problems and I chose to stay with him rather than try my luck and find someone else to father my children. In the end my love for my husband is more important to me than motherhood.
Hi everyone. “S” your story touched me. You see, I was once in a family like yours and neither myself nor my siblings wanted or have kids. We all agreed it was due to our upbringing and being told kids are only a pain in the a**. So I always knew I wouldn’t have them. Then in my 30s I became the latter woman you mentioned. The one who had/has it all: amazing husband (which was all I ever really wanted) career, well respected in community. Etc. and we got pregnant. After that ended at 18?weeks I began a relentless pursuit of what I thought I now wanted for love of my spouse and my lost unborn child. Now almost 7 yrs later we just finished our last ivf ever. We chose to end it and not to pursue any other options. Out lives are worth more than the constant beat downs received on a daily basis from 7 yrs of infertility hell. So our line in the sand just started and I sympathize with ALL the situations presented here. I didnt want kids or didnt think i did, only to find out i couldnt anyway. What a mess im working through in my head. Did i will this on myself or cause it not to happen becasue of my beliefs and upbringing? idk. Everyone has a story, dont they? And i am open to reading them all. May you all find the courage and peace you deserve.
I am child-free by circumstance and by choice. Throughout my childhood I was aware that I was the reason my parents got married. Growing up I was loved, but mom gave me strong messages about being “careful” about sex and using contraception. Through my fertile years I was very careful, perhaps a bit paranoid of pregnancy, and a dedicated user of birth control pills and devices. Now that I am happily married, my loving husband prefers not to have children as do I. We enjoy our life together, but we’ve had heartfelt talks about whether or not we should have or would have had children of our own. As a child-free or childless woman I have felt emotional on many levels. I’ve felt emptiness, relief, confusion. To call me selfish is cruel. I am not selfish, neither is my husband. We are good, kind, loving people who would have been great parents, we both have acknowledged that to each other. We look at it this way. Having children was not our destiny for a reason we cannot explain. We love children, we respect those who choose to become parents. We also understand those who don’t want children. Children deserve to be loved. There are too many children who are born unwanted and unloved and that fact saddens me greatly. Every woman, man and couple are dealt a hand in life. Some people fight to become parents, some plan for it, some have kids by accident. No matter what the circumstance, do your best, don’t beat yourself up about your circumstances, it’s not worth it because life is too short and should always be cherished.
I hope my thoughts help someone out there. Peace to you all.
I as well am looking towards a child free life by choice and circumstance. I spent my 20s and early 30s pursuing both advanced degrees and a man that wasn’t right. I don’t regret the education, an ability to support oneself is an essential skill. I do regret the 6 years I wasted dating a man that couldn’t commit to me. Shortly after ending the dead end relationship I met my husband, who is the greatest blessing in my life. After marrying at 35, we spent a year enjoying marriage and settling in before kids. One miscarriage later, I have decided to stop trying. I am 36 years old. Shortly after the miscarriage, I developed hip pain. I was diagnosed with labral tears and hip impingement. I could get pregnant, I suppose, but the stress of carrying the baby will likely damage my hip further. We have decided that I cannot risk my health for a baby. I love my husband, my family and my pets. I am trying to look at the positives, but it is hard sometimes when I see pregnant women. It is true that life isn’t as simple as choosing to have kids or not. Life is complicated and tough choices have to be made.
I have only just found this site,my story is a complex one. I have been with my husband for 28 years, he is 12 years older, previously married with 2 children, and now 2 grandchildren. When we met he was adament he didn’t want more children and i reluctantly accepted this, but I was young and I suppose looking back I thought I had plenty of time to change his mind.
I spent most of my 30s trying to do this but he would not change (I don’t blame him at all, his reasons are valid and he was always honest). In my 40s I thought I had come to terms with it, I studied for a degree and committed fully to the role of stepmum. But since the grandsons arrived 4 years ago all my regrets have come back and have totally overwhelmed me. Seeing my stepdaughter experiencing motherhood, with all its highs and lows, is so difficult, but lovely at the same time.
I feel i made the right choice for my husband but the wrong one for me as a person and as a woman, and my dilema is how to work through these feelings and get to a place where i can feel some peace. Its hard trying to accept and i resent myself for that.
Its true that people assume i chose work over kids (couldn ‘t be further from the truth!) or that i just didn ‘t want them. Actualy no one has ever asked me whether i was able to have them, i often think it would have been easier for me to cope if that had been the case. I don’t know anyone in my situation, a lot of my friends are older than me and almost all have kids. The few that i know who don’t have them have chosen not to.
Its great to find something so positive about the subject, growing up i didnt have the pull to become a mother not like my friends but saying that i always assumed i would have them, it would just be part of life. I broke up with a previous long term boyfriend as he wanted kids there and then and i did not, i was young at 26 and just was not ready, Soon after i meet my now husband, 10 years older than me and three children in tow. I thought the feelings of not wanting children previously meant i just did not want them so meeting my husband with children felt like fate, we are now married ive (kind of) settled into a life as a step parent but the over whelming urge to have children is taking over. It feels like the next normal step for us as a couple, but he cannot have any more children. Every where i turn pictures of pregnant women, families together everything its so suffercating! I feel like im trapped,I will always choose my husband over everything but i do feel what is the point, i have no plan of how to get through these feelings.
I think when we make these choices’ that lead ultimately to childlessness, we don’t realise that we are making them. Using contraception throughout your twenties and early thirties, is a choice. It seems a sensible one. But I had no idea at the time that it would be another factor in my childlessness. They were my most fertile years and I didn’t use them. I always intended on having children, just ‘not yet’. I wanted a stable income and a committed relationship with someone willing and reasonably appropriate.
An abortion at age 22 seemed the right thing to do. I had no idea at the time that it would be my last pregnancy. A long term de facto relationship suddenly finished, and I was thirty. All the men I met at the time were really just after a ‘fuck buddy’. I thought this was while not ideal, sort of OK, I could downscale my expectations, I had plenty of time. One dead end non committed quasi relationship followed another, with long gaps in between.
Finally I was in my late 30s and men were scared off by a woman who wanted a baby. It is really a catch 22 situation when you can’t say what it is you want and if you do, you are dumped. Men are very wary of having sex or unprotected sex with a woman this age. They are frightened of having a relationship where there will be so many expectations so quickly, which is kind of understandable.
I would have had one on my own if I had the money. But when you are living pay packet to pay packet and having to share a house it seems impossible to raise a child. That’s the irony, childless women are often described as successful, and yet so many of us are just in ordinary casual, low or middle income jobs with no savings or maternity leave.
Trying to nut out how you can possibly survive financially is a headache. The media might say that we have access to technology, we are single and savvy, but to me this seems like such a whitewash. We simply don’t have these choices. I can’t afford ivf and months off work.