I love children again. I find myself cooing at babies, talking to little kids in restaurants, and enjoying interacting with other people’s children. Hurray! I’m back!
It wasn’t always this way. When it first became apparent that children weren’t going to be in my future, I went through a period of not liking other people’s children at all. I didn’t appreciate the joy of children—in fact the sound of children’s laughter didn’t make me smile; it about ripped my heart out. I didn’t want to interact with children and so I made a point of avoiding places where children congregate.
The trouble was, I didn’t like the me that didn’t like children. She wasn’t who I was. She was grouchy and bitter, the kind of woman who gives childless women a bad name! But I couldn’t help myself.
Now that I’m back, I realize my anti-kid-ness was a defense mechanism, my psyche’s way of protecting me while I got on with my healing process. Children reminded me of what I didn’t have, and it hurt to be around them. So I stayed away.
During this whole process of coming-to-terms with my infertility, I’ll admit to many unpleasant emotions and thoughts I wouldn’t want to share with anyone. But that doesn’t make me bitter, it doesn’t make me dark, and it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. It’s just part of the process of protecting ourselves until the hurt starts to subside.
Have you noticed changes in yourself as time passes? If your old self was lost for a while, have you seen glimpses of her return?
The Life Without Baby Holiday Companion is out tomorrow. In case you can’t wait, you can pre-order yours here.
Yes. It is lovely to be back!
I’ve noticed that in myself too. My friend’s children are older (10+) but I still get that jealous feeling when I see a baby at a restaurant or grocery store. I don’t like that feeling. Feeling sick and horrible today as I wonder if this has brought an end to my relationship.
I was the same way, and hated other people’s kids for a while. This past year, I have noticed changes in myself. I smile at other people’s kids, offer help to a parent in a store when I see they are frazzled, I’m doing things I used to do. So, yes, I am beginning to feel like myself again. For a long time, I didn’t think that was possible. It took me a couple years go get here (I’m now 47) Hope that gives others hope.
I somehow managed to escape this aspect of the grief over infertility. I’ve always really liked most kids, but I was never enamored of kids in general. They have always been individuals to me. Some are adorable, some are so charming, some have some issues and can be annoying. I never idealized them. It was always harder for me to deal with mothers and pregnant women, societal messages etc. In rubbing their bellies or talking about how much motherhood had changed them as a person, I always felt they were rubbing it in that I would never know this kind of love, etc., etc. I think I might still fear pregnancy announcements, and I don’t know how well I would do in a room with all mothers talking about nothing but the wonders of motherhood. I don’t work in an office environment where this might be more constant. But, recently when someone asked if I had kids, I said, No, and asked them if they did and then let them tell me a little bit about them. The subject was quickly changed to other things we had in common and it was a pleasant experience. I have an acquaintance couple that are new parents and I also ask them about their little one. I get the response from the mother about her happiness, and the stress from the father, who is overworked and really under-slept; the really great and the exhausting. I think I am at a point where I am finding new joys in life and appreciating the perks of not having children. I think being close to my brother’s kids has been a Godsend. Having a husband who also reminds me that not all is always greener in the parental yard also helps.
I don’t think I’ve ever hated other people’s children, but I have been and still am very uncomfortable with them. I can’t seem to find a way to relate to them, even though I really want to be the crazy aunt to my close friends’ children. Somehow I’m still trying to figure out how to even speak to kids.
I recently accepted that I will never be a mother and I’m on the grieving end. At the sight of a pregnant woman I cry. At the sight of a newborn I cry. At the sight of a toddler I cry. If they are 10 + I’m ok, but knowing that I will never be the “proud parent” at a graduation, birthday party, etc.. still kills me. The pain is palpable! Knowing that you all have “been there, done that” and have made it to the “other side” gives me hope. – Thank you for sharing! xoxo- Kristine
I so agree with you on how I was 2-3 years ago versus how I am now. I had to go thru the grief to get to the “other side”. I was so down on myself (bitter and angry) towards everyone and especially those who had what I couldn’t achieve (child(ren). It was a very rough time and I didn’t think I would ever feel good about myself again. I ate thru my misery as food was my comfort, but now I am 33 lbs lighter and look at food as nourishment and not a way to deal with my feelings. I am so much happier now than I could have ever imagined during those “dark” times. Coming to terms with our “childless” life was a process I need to go thru (I now understand that). I can be around children and pregnant women and not feel the pain/longing anymore – instead I am happy for them and realize how much I have to be grateful for in my life now.
That’s awesome, Jen!! The ability to feel grateful for what you have, I think starts out as a remedy and then becomes a sign of a healthy heart.
Getting there, but not yet.
I still get pangs now & then… but generally, time has been a great healer. And for every adorable baby or toddler, there is an obnoxious teenager to remind me that parenting is not all sighs & giggles, lol. 😉
It is so refreshing to realize there are other ladies out there like me! This post is exactly where I am at in my life right now. It took me nearly 8 years and a devastating miscarriage to get here, but I’m back!