As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods
Kelly A’s answer to “What do you look forward to now?” really struck a chord with me. She said, “I look forward to moving past depression and into the realm of acceptance. It seems like this is an unobtainable dream at this point of my darkest days.” I know exactly how she feels; I think many of us do. Yet, even in our darkest days (and for those of us in the U.S., that may coincide with the coming holiday weekend), we can find a glimmer of hope in our LWB sisters’ stories, for as Kelly said, “Seeing other women who have moved on gives me hope that I could be like them one day.”
If you are in your darkest days, I hope you’ll see in Kelly’s story that you are not alone. If you have moved on to brighter days, I hope you’ll share some encouragement in the Comments. Here’s more of Kelly’s story.
LWB: Please describe your dream of motherhood.
Kelly: I wanted to become a mother my entire life. When I hit my mid-20s, the urge struck pretty hard. My dream was to have a child that I could pour my love into, to have a child that I would raise with complete love.
LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?
Kelly: After I got out of a long relationship, I started working out, losing weight, and preparing myself to have a baby. My plan was to go to a sperm bank and just be a single mother by choice. I then become romantic with my husband (who was an old friend), and I was so happy because I didn’t have to use the sperm bank. I thought together we could make our dreams of having a loving family come true.
After I timed intercourse a few times and did not get pregnant, I had a gut instinct that something was wrong. I insisted on fertility testing and found out I had PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). I also had thyroid cancer that year, so that messed with my hormones. I gained a lot of weight, which led to anovulatory cycles. My husband got tested and found out he had primary testicular failure and produced a miniscule amount of sperm. He had surgery, but it was an utter failure. In fact, his counts were even lower after. It’s possible we could use a donor sperm, or IVF, but I have gained so much weight, and we don’t really have the money.
LWB: Where are you on your journey now?
Kelly: Depressed. I don’t believe in miracles when it comes to infertility. It’s pure random luck.
LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?
Kelly: Not having anyone understand my pain. They say, “How can you be sad for something that never existed?”
LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?
Kelly: Being able to be selfish and only focus on my husband and myself. Traveling on a whim, staying up late, going to bars and restaurants, and talking crap about annoying parents with my childless and childfree friends.
LWB: What’s one thing you want other people (moms, younger women, men, grandmothers, teachers, strangers) to know about your being childfree?
Kelly: I’d like people to understand that childfree (childless) people exist at all, and our lives still have value. For example, in my state of Arizona several years back, the Medicare system dropped all childless adults from its ranks. To be blatantly told that my life didn’t have enough value to justify health care, because I don’t have children, is so wrong.
LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”
Kelly: I just say no, then I tell them that that my husband and I are infertile. I enjoy the awkward silences in a sick way! When I’m really lucky, I meet other childless people who open up to me after hearing this news.
LWB: How has LWB helped you on your journey?
Kelly: It helped tremendously to read about other people’s struggles, to know that I’m not alone on those days when it feels like everyone else has a baby and that I’m a freak of nature. To know that my life still has value even though my body and my husband’s body can’t give life. When I read other LWB readers’ words, I see people who are worthwhile in their love, attention, fun, pain, and life, and I am amongst their ranks.
Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. This weekend she will be celebrating “Nurturer’s Day” to acknowledge teachers, aunties, nurses, caregivers, and all the “worthwhile” women who give “their love, attention, and fun” to better other’s lives.
Kelly, I have never gotten that question, “…never existed…”, I am so sorry! Sending you clarity, healing, peace and strength. Justine
Kelly – I have definitely heard that comment and felt the awkwardness around how to get support over something that feels intangible or has never “existed”. As you mentioned in various ways and points, being childless can make you feel invisible in a sense. I appreciate that you are open and honest in your answer about not having children. Mainly because, as I have discovered as well, you help other childless people feel seen and heard. What a gift. Thank you for sharing your story.