Thanks to everyone who has contacted me with Whiny Wednesday post ideas. I have a good list now, but keep them coming. You can send topic ideas through the Contact page.
This week’s topic is another tender subject:
The constant struggle of feeling my life is imperfect because of not having children.
How do you feel about this? Has that feeling changed with the passing of time?
As always, the floor is open for any other whines and rants you need to get off your chest.
my husband & i currently have our two nephews (12 & 8) for the week, a tradition we hope to continue for however long the boys want to come stay with us. i love love love love love love them dearly, their energy, their WHYs and WHY NOTs?, their stink, their bickering, their willingness to try different cuisines and my cooking … but it will be nice to have our life back in order again when they return to their parents next week. we are childless by choice and i dread dread dread when we meet up with my MIL this weekend that she will do the passive aggressive thing & wonder if my maternal instincts have kicked in yet?
I struggle with this one and always feel my life is “less” or not complete or not enough… I have had many counselling sessions and had it drummed into me that I am enough.. But I just don’t feel it.. I feel broken and not whole after 5 years of ttc. Everyone has moved on in my circle to become mothers and I feel left behind.
I agree with Becks. Feel left behind. When friends are talking about their kids you feel like you have nothing to offer that would be taken seriously.
I struggle with the feeling of “less” when I am at a meeting with a certain co-worker. Before the meeting she announces that she has to leave at a certain time because “she has to pick up her kids”… she makes herself so important! then she always leans over to me and says “I have to go… my kids… i have to pick them up…. will you tell me what happened at the rest of the tomorrow?”… ARUGH! It does make me feel like I have no where important to be… like I am “less” because who can argue with her bc she “has to get her kids”….. and maybe she does have to get her children at times, but not every time… she just wants out of the meeting like the rest of us!!!! So yes… during those moments I do feel less. – ps, I never tell her what happened at the meeting after she leaves… I just say “you didn’t miss anything”…. lol…. if she cared, she would make other arrangements to be there!! lol…
This has happened to me countless times. The worst was in a small meeting with two superiors and two other co-workers who had children. One of my co-workers had to up and leave to “pick up her kids” as usual. One of our superiors then said to my other co-worker “You can go if you need to pick up the baby” and then actually said to me half-jokingly “And you can go and pick up whoever you want to”. I kid you not…talk about feeling like you don’t matter. Thank goodness I no longer work for that person.
This is the biggest struggle for me. I feel so incomplete, and I told a friend this and she said ‘I can imagine, I would be lost without my kids’. That made me feel worse and I feel that I’m missing out on the most important thing a person can experience. I’m thinking about taking anti-depressants because I can’t get rid of that dark cloud that follows me around. I’m afraid I’m going to spend the rest of my life struggling with the feeling of grief and feeling less than other women who have children.
Hi Sherry,
I take anti-depressants as well (started prior to ttc). I needed a lot of adjustments when I was in the thick of my grief. But, I also needed a supportive therapist to speak to. The pills keep the cloud a bit farther away and give me the energy to pick myself up.
It is also important to find the right pills which work for you. If you are considering starting, please talk to a doctor who is knowledgeable and doesn’t simply give you the leftover sample packs.
Life gets better. I don’t feel “less” anymore but I definitely feel different and struggle with that.
Thanks for the advice bubli.
I wrote a post, almost three years ago now, about how I don’t feel left behind any more, though I well remember that feeling. The good news though is that it does pass.
http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.co.nz/2011/09/feeling-left-behind.html
Amazing!!!! Thank u for sharing!!! It was just what I needed this morning!!! Xoxo – Kristine
Thank you for sharing that. As you said, the path we have taken is less traveled and has far less support along the way. It often feels lonely looking over at the other path and noticing the comaraderie and accolades that come with raising children. I agree that over time, the paths even out and we comfortably follow our own path and that feeling of being incomplete starts to fade.
Our life will be diffrent and we walk alone. Almost everyone will end up with a baby. I think my life is less but that is a fact and I can’t change it, I like my life and I am not depressed but this family thing has taken so much energi too many years. I don’t want that anymore. Now I have a little puppy, he is so lovely, he is my little babyboy, I just want dogs.
Being a man,it also sometimes depresses me since,Im 49 yrs old and no children and never been married until last year at 48 for the 1st time.I married a woman who is 47 with 2 kids 21 and 23 and it is hard because I have no kids and when Im around her and other people that talk about their children,I feel left out because I don’t have any.I feel its not my fault due to living in south Florida were I’m just an average joe making ends meet,women here want guys with money.But when they get in their 40;s divorced with kids they will take anybody.I used to take it hard back in my mid 20’s to late 30’s but when I got to be in 40’s I was getting use to being fatherless.I always wanted to be married in my 20’s and have a son or a daughter but it never happened,it was not by choice either as alot of people think.I still wonder what did I do Wrong?
Hi Dan, i am from South Florida, too. It must be a frequent occurrence that women here are after men with $$$… I remember going on single dates with guys who tried in very obvious ways to impress me by showing me how much they had… It was such a turn off. I don’t know who these women are. Anyhow… I think many of us wonder how we got here. It has been one of those weeks when I have thought too much about what I could have done differently.
Thanks IrisD for commenting on my post.I have lived here for 26 yrs.Due to the fact from where I came from a small economically depressed town in Pa.I have dated quite a few women,that either had kids that where problems with ex,s or women with no kids that didn’t want to be bothered.I married my High School sweet heart by finding her on FB.But like I said I will always wonder what would my kids look or be like if they would be mine biological.
I am up and down with it all. I am so tired of the whole topic that some days I am really not that bothered at all and then other days I go back to falling down the rabbit hole of pain and grief at having missed out on so much – it depends on the trigger. I still avoid socialising with large groups of Mums as I just feel alienated and out of it, nothing to say, false smiles and awww’s when I am happy for them truly but for myself feeling bitter and resentful.
Hi, Dan, I am so glad you’re here to give us a man’s perspective. As you can see in the comments, you are not alone in your feelings, and certainly many of us wonder “what did I do wrong?” I hope you’ll find some encouragement and support here.
Also, I think we would all benefit from hearing more of your story, if you’re up to it. Go to the “our stories” page (see the menu above) and consider sending in the questionnaire.
Big hugs to everyone. This Whiny Wednesday topic was a rough one. xxoo
Thanks,Kathleen.Ijust wanted to let everyone else know that there are men out there who are fatherless not by choice.But by thats the way life goes scenery.And I just wanted to share that with your bloggers.
I feel like that at work sometimes when instead of splitting the holidays like we’re suppose to I get told oh you don’t have kids so you can work. Also get told by family members from time to time that I can’t possibly be busy since I don’t have kids when they don’t understand why I can’t attend every family event.
Jenn, it is like you took the words right out of my mouth. I am the only one on my work team without kids and there is always the expectation that I work around their family schedules. Family and friends are the same way. Sigh!