By Lisa Manterfield
I’ve been writing and talking a lot about grief lately—here on the blog, in my fiction, in my personal life, in the novels I’m reading, and for the new ebook series. Even last week, when I got chatting to a stranger on a train, the conversation turned to the topic of grief.
Over paper cups of tea, this woman—who had lost her brother to suicide—and I talked about how grief stays with us long after we’re “over it”, how the shape of grief changes with time, how it can change us, and how everyone carries around their own personal grief.
My only regret in the discussion is that it didn’t begin sooner on our journey, because I would have liked to hear more about what she had to say on the subject. But eventually we parted ways, she to her office and I to airport, and I didn’t have the opportunity to ask her more about her grief.
So, I’d like to ask you instead.
- How has your grief changed over time?
- How has your loss changed you?
- In what ways has your grief crept out, even when you’ve tried to keep it under wraps?
As a society, I don’t believe the topic of grief gets enough attention. We’re uncomfortable with grieving people, no matter what type of loss they’ve suffered, but it’s especially true when the loss isn’t understood.
So let’s start the conversation now. Let’s talk about this grief. I’d love to hear what you have to say.
Maria says
1. How has my Grief changed over time? My grief started at 37 so I have been dealing with it for more than 10 years. Initially, it was like an open raw wound, I was an emotional wreck and angry all the time. Over time, it changed to a numbness and now it is hardly present and I function at a generally happy state of mind most of the time. I imagine my grief as a deep cut that slowly healed and only hurts when I poke at it. The poking is when I allow myself to fantasize about what my family might have been like, or stare too long at a mother lovingly hold her child. I have to turn away from those thoughts to keep myself in a good place.
2. How has the loss changed me? I used to be very aggressive and thought I could accomplish anything. I no longer feel strong or invincible, and that has hurt me somewhat in my career. I can’t go back to that person because I know it’s no longer the truth.
3. In what ways has the grief crept out when I’ve tried to keep it under wraps? A pregnancy announcement from a close family member can reopen that wound but it heals much more quickly. Watching new people move into the neighborhood and start their families makes me feel how long I’ve been stuck in the same place and that is beginning to be a new source of pain for me.
Janet T says
I completely agree with loss and grief being like a deep cut that has healed over time. What a great analogy. Anyone who has had surgery or any deep wound knows that the resulting scar is so raw and painful in the beginning, and over time, a strange numbness surrounds it…just like the process of grieving. You almost don’t realize it but one day it just doesn’t hurt as much. Yet if you bump into the scar the wrong way, it can still be quite painful.
This loss has changed me by making me stronger in some ways and has forced me to find ways to manage it. It has also made me very sensitive when it comes to my dealings with people who have children and noticing how parents interact with their children. I guess that relates to the last question also because that senstivity to what I see around me sometimes brings out those angry feelings again. Feeling as if certain people don’t deserve to be parents definitely lets the feelings creep out if I allow it to.
Jessica Chauvin says
1. For me, my grief has only gotten worse over time. I found out I had ovarian-failure at a very young age, 14. At that age, of course it’s tough, but the magnitude doesn’t hit you quite the way it does until you’re an adult, ready and wanting children. I am now 30, in a 5 years relationship with 2 step-sons, but very much want my own child. My grief is worse now, really understanding the depths of this situation. I know that now, in time, it will get better. But with my experience and age it has gotten worse.
2. It’s changed me in ways such as increased anxiety, panic attacks, depression, anger, etc. I have always been a very happy person but lately I struggle to be happy. I have chosen to seek out therapy as a means to take better control of my grief.
3. My grief creeps out when close friends or family announce pregnancies, friends have events exclusively for moms with babies, when people who don’t know my history ask when I’m going to have a baby, etc.
Sherry says
My grief too has become worse now that I hear my friends gushing over their grand babies. I have become more anxious and depressed because as we grow older , I don’t know who will be there for us. Growing older doesn’t seem to have much appeal when there is nothing to look forward to.
M2L14 says
I hear you, Sherry. I dread the time when my peers start having grandchildren; my husband is soon expecting to become a grandfather for the first time – it is agony for me (not that I say that because I’m sure I would be seen to be selfish for not being happy for him). I have been thinking recently about throwing away the things my parents kept for me from my childhood (1st birthday cards, etc.) as well as my photos from my life because I realise there will be no-one who cares or is interested in them, certainly no-one to pass them on to.
Jane says
I lay awake last night till 2:30 am – and all my dolls in my mum’s attick are haunting me. I loved them so much as a child. 2 tiny teers, 4 pippas, 2 cindy’s, 1 baby love, 1 sweet april, 1 katy copy kat. My mum made outfits for all of them – amazing. I so wanted to pass them to my girl (or be able to pass them to a niece if I’d had boys). No-one got to love them at all. I’m 47 next week. My pain has definitely increased over the years. I struggle to let go of the dreams – and am cross with myself that I have been stuck for 18 years – my entire marriage. My triggers are daily with colleagues making announcements – I allow myself to say how sadI am and then I focus on work what I’m doing with hubby, friends – some days it passes quite quickly and other days I have sleepless nights – thinking of my lovely dolls……… I know what you mean – its very sad. We cannot allow it to stiffle the good times though.
M2L14 says
My grief is intensifying with time, as I get older. I feel that it has made me, is making me, bitter; I want to be by myself, not see other people. I find it too difficult to be around people who are planning a family or who have children. I also feel shock, disbelief, about being in this position. I never imagined I wouldn’t have a family. I struggle to contain my grief, yet I do, until I’m alone. I’m really concerned about what that is doing to me but it’s too painful to talk about. My husband has his own children (grown up) and doesn’t want any more. Some days I just want to crawl into a corner and stay there.
Jane says
M2L 14 – I hear you – please read Sarah’s post (I found things there to be true) – allow yourself to grieve – its ok to batten down the hatches and be consumed by your grief. I cried daily in the shower after our 7th and final IVF on January 5th this year ended. I cried silently in the ladies at work when I saw things I couldn’t handle. I cried in the car on the way to work. Then one day I found myself thinking about my challenges at work and how I was going to organise my day – I found myself thinking about the plans I had for the weekend in the shower. I still feel unbelieveable sad sometimes – accept the sad, breath out – it will not consume you forever. Thinking of you.
Amel says
My grief has subdued over time. Lots of writing and grief work, getting support from people who get it, lots of letting go. My wounds have stopped bleeding for a while, though the scars are there, but I no longer operate on a daily basis with one eye on the bumpy scars. I’ve found more peace as time goes by and more purposes of the pain I’ve felt. I now firmly believe that my pain is not for nothing.
My loss has helped me become kinder to myself. It has also helped me feel more connected to other people in general, because at the end of the day each of us has different struggles. My loss has also made me more aware of the possibility of other people’s silent struggles and losses (esp. those that people in general misunderstand).
My grief creeps up when I haven’t come to terms with a particular loss or when I haven’t grieved that particular loss at all or enough. It also creeps up when there’s something I know I’m missing in this childless life that I haven’t found ways to get around yet and then BAM I see the missing thing being shown so clearly in the lives of those people who have children. Example: some photos of a baby being mesmerized by his/her own foot/finger (the first time the baby realizes the existence of said foot/finger). That kind of thing may get to me because it’s difficult to replicate in my own life. It’s easier for me to embrace my inner child (without having my own child) and try to find joys in the smallest things by doing other stuff like making a snowman, for example.
Sarah says
1) I’m only ten months out of our final failed fertility treatment, so in many ways my grief still evolves monthly and even daily. For a few days last week I noticed I was hyper and enraged seemingly out of nowhere for no reason…..Uh, ok. I just do my best to acknowledge and roll with it, as I do trust the process and don’t believe in trying to force or control it. Over time I have noticed a less intense reaction to things such as babies on TV, people walking their babies in our neighborhood, etc. Don’t get me wrong, those things can still be triggers, but I don’t feel as overtaken by them as I used to. Crawling a few inches forward on the path of acceptance has helped.
2) It’s funny, I was having dinner with a close friend the other night who was tragically and unexpectedly widowed 3 years ago at age 39. We both agreed we have much less of a tolerance for small talk since experiencing our losses. We also now greatly appreciate relationships with people where we can be real and not be judged, as our losses have shown us how rare that actually is. I now suffer occasional panic attacks and have a very limited capacity to deal with what are for other people “normal” life situations – from the first day of school to anything parents may stress over. Yet, as it has come up in my writing a lot lately, I also seem to have an increased capacity for listening to other people’s taboo problems and life woes.
3. I don’t try and keep my grief under wraps, unless you count the avoidance of unnecessary triggers in order to protect myself emotionally, in which case I’m an expert on that! All of the things mentioned here I too find hurtful, from pregnancy announcements to questions about my child status to people who shouldn’t be parents. But I try to keep an open road for my grief. I don’t like it, but I feel it’s here for my own benefit, and I’m not afraid of it. As far as being silent for the sake of other people, I don’t feel I owe anyone anything. I’ve been robbed of enough, I at least get to keep and experience my own emotions.
PS – I LOVE the physical wound metaphores used here!! A few months after our final failed fertility treatment when I felt like I was plowing aimlessly through toxic molasses I remembered how when I broke my leg in 7th grade, they put it in a splint and didn’t set it for a few days. I reminded myself that swollen not put together state is a major and necessary component of healing.
loribeth says
How has your grief changed over time?
Like Maria & Amel, my grief has subsided over time. I too like the wound/scar analogy. I no longer feel that ongoing raw pain, day after day. But it does still cast a shadow over my life in many ways.
How has your loss changed you?
I began to struggle with anxiety (and realized that I have had anxiety issues all of my life, to some degree!). I like to think that I have become a more empathetic person, more open and supportive when dealing with the pain & grief of others.
In what ways has your grief crept out, even when you’ve tried to keep it under wraps?
It does pop out from time to time, when I least expect it — e.g., a commercial on TV or an unexpected moment in a movie.