By Lisa Manterfield
This week we celebrate Thanksgiving here in the U.S. and, for the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to it. We are bucking tradition this year and spending the day with good friends, including another childfree couple. Mr. Fab is cooking a decidedly nontraditional Thanksgiving dinner, so all I’ll have to do, aside from a few sous chef duties, is show up and have a good time.
I know for many of you, Thanksgiving might not be such a fun time. Traditionally, it’s a holiday when families gather, which might mean facing insensitive relatives and prying questions about children. It also marks the beginning of what can often be the most difficult time of the year, with social gatherings, kid-oriented activities, and constant reminders of the many ways we don’t get to celebrate the holidays.
I love that this community includes new readers and seasoned pros, so let’s help one another out this year by sharing ideas on getting through the season with our hearts intact.
What are some of the issues you know you’ll face this holiday season? What events are you dreading? What’s going to be hardest for you?
And perhaps most important of all, how to do plan to get through the season with minimum emotional damage?
For more tips, inspiration, and support, check out the Life Without Baby Holiday Companion, available now at Amazon.com.
Wishing you and your readers a lovely Thanksgiving, Lisa!
Shared your LWB Companion link here as well: http://blog.silentsorority.com/silent-sorority-gratitude-look-ahead-new-generation/
As an older member of this group (63) I am finding that to some degree the angst will never go away, it just has gotten easier. Siblings and friends are now grandparents and most talk incessantly about their grandchildren and are very involved with them often taking on a lot of childcare(which isn’t always that much fun for them). I fuss over the babies and ask the moms and dads how they are doing. There are some unmarried nieces and nephews and I also gravitate toward them to learn about what is happening in their lives. Often they all love to share. I try to think about others more and myself less but I do make a point of trying to get lots of exercise and eating well during the holidays. I don’t want to feel crappy physically as well as mentally. I also find that when parents and grandparents let their guard down and really talk about some of the stressors they are encountering with the holidays too, their lives don’t look all that enviable. I do wish everyone all of the best for this holiday season.
For me, one of the most useful components for getting through the holidays is utilizing the open and honest relationships I attempted to forge a couple of years ago when infertility started to take its toll. I’ve made sure that those close to me know that I’m both altered and grieving, and that as a result I now have different needs and levels of tolerance than someone who didn’t just lose their children after almost four years of trying to conceive. The overall process of communicating about my situation has been awkward, scary and at times bumpy, but well worth it.
In the process of making plans for their holiday visit (my brother, sister in law, and 9 yr old nephew are coming for xmas), my SIL (who has been super supportive through our infertility crisis) got very excited about the Radio City Xmas Spectacular show and ran it by me as she was on the brink of ordering tickets. I told her right off the bat they were welcome to go but that it was not going to work for me. It’s our first Christmas knowing we’ll never have children, and she actually apologized for not thinking that a show that pretty much everyone under the sun would be taking their kids to might not work for me right now.
Whether people end up coming through or not, and we all know what a mixed bag that can be, I make efforts whenever I feel up to it to have my position and feelings heard. That way when things like the good ole holidays come around, at least those close to me are “trained”.
Hi Sarah – thanks for this its very important to be more honest and it kind of releases you from the burden. However, part of my struggle is getting through to those closest to me – I felt a distinct lack of understanding from my immediate familily throughout our 20 year struggle (mostly my own mum) and now I don’t think I have the energy to keep trying to educate them/her. I have confided hugely in one close freind and that has helped alot – but it won’t get me through Christmas day. I feel I will need to clothe myself in steel as I have done for many years. Out plight covered so many years I don’t think our friends have any clue that we still underwent fertility treatment for so long and as recent as a year ago. It frustrates me that they don’t understand or make allowances any better now than they did 10 years ago and they don’t even know the half of it. Is it worth telling them (given that its harder now for me than ever as our journey is over) – or are they more acquantances than friends – I’m wondering as I right this post! ironic really…. I realise this is an odd question to throw out there – it has made me look at it differently, – any thoughts appreciated.
Thank-you Sara. I like your thoughts of being altered & grieving and having different needs and levels of tolerance. Christmas looks difficult but I am going into it with with an open mind. When I get hit with overwhelming anxiety about it I sit down & journal and delve into the why I am feeling what I am feeling. I am often left with a positive way forward.
What is difficult for me is the amount of time I spend listening & caring & supporting others & it seems like they brush me by. I guess it is time I started training them…
I also am not going as a fixer. I have been the family fixer all my life. This time I am going for me & for the holiday…