By Lisa Manterfield
As I continue on my own journey of healing, I find it hard sometimes to write about the issues that used to cause me such discomfort. It’s amazing how the human brain can dull past pain. So I appreciate when readers contact me with ideas for topics they’d like to see discussed.
Recently, Jennifer sent me this question about jealousy within families:
“I see a lot of people post about the joy of having nieces and nephews. Well, my brother’s wife is pregnant and I’m feeling completely pushed of out the picture. It may be because I reacted with shock and sadness over their first pregnancy. But I did write a lengthy, heartfelt apology and when that resulted in a miscarriage, my husband and I were the first to make it to the hospital and we stayed 11 hours with them. Now, my sister-in-law is being really removed from me.
I really want to have the connection with my niece or nephew, but I’m afraid I won’t. And honestly, I’m jealous.
I wonder if others have similar experiences?”
A new baby in the family is a really difficult situation to navigate. There’s such a mixed bag of emotions involved. You’re trying to deal with your own grief, while also feeling alone because others don’t understand what you’re going through. Then a cause for celebration gets thrown in on top of that and, as much as you know you’re supposed to be happy for the new parents, all you can feel is resentment and jealousy that it’s not you. So, guilt and shame for being a bad sport get piled on top of that.
I also know that other people don’t know how to handle us when they have good news. I recall a friend being extremely uncomfortable about telling me she was pregnant. She dealt with it by sitting down, explaining that she knew this was difficult for me, and asking me how much or how little I wanted to know or be involved. I really appreciated her being open and it allowed me to be honest with her about how I felt. I’ve also had the experience of a friend saying, “Guess what?!” and then launching into every detail of how she found out and how it feels to be pregnant, while I sat and squirmed. Often people don’t know what to say or how best to handle us “volatile” folks, so they pull away and say nothing.
How about you? Have you experienced jealousy over new babies in the family? How have you dealt with it? Have you had a good experience with a friend or family member handling their news with aplomb?
If you have a topic or question you’d like to see discussed on the blog, please drop me a line. You can email me at lisa [at] lisamanterfield [dot] com or go through the Contact page.
I have yet to find someone as thoughtful as your friend! For me, all women think I would be just as excited as them as they share their news , or the news of someone they know. Even my two sisters just assumed I would be head over heals thrilled. I have learned to fake it well, long enough to get to a quiet place to cry. Although, just recently I don’t think I was very nice, and could have handled it differently. While at work one day, one co-worker was so excited to tell me another co-worker was pregnant as the prego lady walked by. Now mind you…. This is her third child….. And all I want is one! And all I could say was “yes, I heard” and changed the subject back to work. I just didn’t have it in me to say anything to her other than how grateful I am that we aren’t close enough to have me be invited to your shower… So I kept my mouth shut.
I hate to do this, but I think what you mean is being envious. That is what it is when you want what someone else has. Jealous is how you feel when someone is trying to take what you have.
I envied my sisters when they had their babies when I was trying to get pregnant. I was jealous when my parents who had limited resources were more apt to visit them and not me because of the grandchildren.
All that being said, I was filled with envy when my best friend of 25 years told me “what you want is happening to me.” when she told me she was pregnant at 44 yo and I told her I was going to try again with our embryos that were frozen years before. I couldn’t even be happy for her- I mean I was, however, the sadness for myself kept me from compartmentalizing it and sharing her joy. I will always regret not being strong enough to be able to do that. She went on to have another one as well. She made me godmother to both of them. Which is the closest I will ever get. The love her older one shows me is incredible. It gives me great joy to have a little person love me so much. The second one was harder, and I did not talk to her in utero as much as the older one. I was floored. But she gave her a name that is a variation of mine as well, to let me feel closer. She will always be my best friend. But our relationship has definitely changed. Not necessarily because of the envy, but because her lifestyle now is completely different.
After 12 years of infertility I still suck at handling the news about infertility.
The hardest news were to accept the pregnancy announcements from my sister-in-law, 8 and 4 years ago. The darkest time of my infertility was when my oldest niece was born, 7 years ago.
As years are passing, I learned to enjoy the company of the children. But only for limited amount of time. Then I am more then happy to return to our small cosy quiet flat 🙂
I was fortunate that my niece and nephew were both born prior to my having any inkling that I would not have children. I rejoiced in the birth announcement and there was never any jealousy or discomfort in our relationship during my sister in law’s pregnancy and I was very much a part of their lives growing up. They are two of the loves of my life. But, I completely understand how different this could have been if it had happened later. I am now at a stage where I look forward to becoming a great-aunt. I have realized that the most difficult thing for me is not seeing or being with the babies themselves, but dealing with adults and the stupid, insensitive things they say. I can only hope that Jennifer will be able to see the new baby as a person (rather than someone else’s child) to nurture, love and be loved by, as a relationship that will grow and last and form part of your life long after this time in your life where pregnancies and birth announcements, facebook pages and mommy chatter, can make us all feel so sad or marginalized. There will be a time when family and friendships are all that truly matter and I hope that this baby, now all grown up , will be a light in your life.
It is hard and often what I found the hardest is the way people clearly censor themselves around me.
Although there were often private tears and I tried to see their success as something very separate to my failure. I tried to think how my journey has showed me more than most how presious pregnancy is, this is also what I reeled off if people asked. Although I sometimes didn’t totally believe what I was saying I do believe in mind over matter.
This is in the past tense because I am currently pregnant. Found out my best friend is struggling to conceive and I must admit I do not know how to handle it.
I thought this was the one place I wouldn’t have to suffer a surprise announcement….
I apparently handled it very badly! My husband’s daughter phoned to tell him she is expecting his first grandchild and I couldn’t stop sobbing; I just couldn’t help it. My husband was very angry; told me he ‘expected’ me to be happy about it. I tried to explain how I feel but he didn’t get it. I have spent the months since dreading the birth. I have said that, while he has my full support, I don’t want to make the trip to visit his daughter when the baby arrives. That would be much too difficult and an altogether unhappy experience for me. He is not impressed!! I am still not sure what the outcome for our relationship will be. I find his reaction really hard to take; I feel he is totally inconsiderate…. and yet I do realise that it is something he just does not understand.
Hi M2L – i really feel for you. I am accepting better these days that no-one gets infertility and the degree of profound sadness. However, I do rely on the fact that my husband does get it and is there for me (whatever myreaction). Perhaps its harder for your husband to understand because he has a daughter. Would he consider counselling with you – he may better understand the depths of your sadness from someone neutral. I would have reacted in the exact same way as you. I have not been able to maintain relationships with friends who have children. I had to put a wedding photo of good friends in the drawer because I couldn’t stop crying everytime I looked at it after her announcement. I’m not sure how I would have handled my sister in laws pregnancy and birth had they not emigrated to America during the pregnancy (saved me). We are all entitled to our feelings and its not wrong. I hope your husband can step up and be supportive. Thinking of you.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Jane P. I haven’t talked to anyone about all this and it means so much to me to know that you are thinking about me. I don’t know what I would do without this forum!