My apologies for depriving you of Whiny Wednesday yesterday. I hope to make it up to you today.
It’s now been six years since I let go of my plans and dreams of motherhood and started talking about “life without baby.” Six years later, I’m still talking about it, and I have no plans to stop talking about it any time soon.
So, this week’s Whiny Wednesday (on Thursday) is something I’m sure many of have heard in some form or another as you navigate this rocky road to healing:
Are you still talking about that?
Whine away, my friends.
And if you’d like a chance to win a copy of Life Without Baby: Surviving and Thriving When Motherhood Doesn’t Happen, just add #whine to the end of your comment and I’ll enter your name into a drawing at the end of the week.
No one has actually said this to my face. However, judging by the very obvious lack of response when I post infertility related information on my FB time-line I imagine it’s what everyone is thinking behind closed doors. Whilst their lack of support and understanding hurts unfortunately it doesn’t surprise me because people react this way to all sorts of grief, not just that associated with infertility.
Back in the autumn of 1993 I returned to work after about 3 weeks compassionate leave (my mother had been killed under the most horrific circumstances). About a month later a senior manager found me crying by the photocopier and asked what the matter was. When I mentioned my mother he said “But that was ages ago Nicci I thought you would have got over that by now.” How I didn’t attack him I’ll never know. Fortunately a work colleague came to my rescue, having heard the comment, and said “actually Nicci’s mum died less than 2 months ago!” Not a direct quote as there were a couple of words included that I won’t repeat here.
So yes, I’m still talking about infertility, mine and other people’s, and will continue to do so until attitudes in general improve. #whine
Ah yes — I remember screwing up my courage to ask my coworkers to support me in a bowlathon fundraiser for my pregnancy loss support group (after years of buying cookie dough, chocolates, flowers and other stuff to support THEIR kids’ pet projects…) and one woman looking at me strangely and saying, “Oh… you’re STILL doing THAT?” It was just NINE MONTHS after I’d lost my baby. :p And yes, it’s now 17 years later and I’m STILL talking about THAT. :p Deal with it. 😉
I’m just tired of being verbally attacked online when I post an opinion to something that doesn’t agree with the majority. For example a tv show did a big gender reveal on tv and posted on their fb page about it. I responded to the shows post that I’m tired of these over the top gender reveals and hope the trend stops soon. I got told I was a no fun millenial liberal who must be a joy to be around and a few other not so nice things.
The year was 2000. The hubby and I were just about finished with our fertility treatments. My S-I-L, who has a very black and white outlook on life (and got pregnant at the drop of a hat, 3 times), commented to me about a mutual acquaintance who had closed the door on their fertility treatment 10 years before.
“She’s still talking about it” she said.
I quietly explained to her that from my perspective (I could see the writing on the wall with our treatments), I thought it was something that you never got over, you just had to try and learn to live with. It was life changing and not in a good way. It was broken dreams, and unfulfilled yearnings. It would always be there.
I have seen her attitude change, over the following years, whenever fertility issues came up within the extended family/friends circle. She is also more compassionate and understanding with me whenever we get to discussing fertility issues or dreams of kids that never came to be…. one small victory.
I can so relate to this. Whilst it’s not been said to my face & I rarely even mention it these days I still get that look or eye roll from my sister & SIL (who by the way both fell pregnant twice within a month of going off the pill) whenever the subject arises. It’s been almost 3yrs since a failed IVF & our decision to detour off the baby making road & it feels like the people around us don’t consider what pain it caused & assume that by us accepting our decision it made all that pain go away. I find everyone wants to brush it under the carpet. My only justification for their actions is, that you are unable to understand on any level unless you’ve walked this childless road.
#whine
Never fails to amaze me how inconsiderate and rude people can be. How is it that some people can totally lack empathy!?
Um, I haven’t really started talking about it yet… I’m still hiding in my secret-infertility-closet as far as almost all my friends and family goes. And those rare folks I mention it to tend to give me blank stares, which I’m not really prepared to respond to. (You want my full medical and psychological history?! You can’t comprehend what I’m going through on any level? Serves me right for opening up, maybe?!) But my poor husband, he gets to hear and see all my grief… and he’s ready to be all done with it already. He did once say something along the lines of “still on about that?!” which sent me on a rant about how I will NEVER be done feeling sad for my loss. There is NO magic feel-better-thing that anyone can say or do. It hurts less over time, but it won’t ever stop hurting. He shut up. He’s much better now. When I make remarks about it now, generally he stays quiet, some rare times he even tries to be consoling! sigh. #whine