By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
Shortly after I sent out save the date cards for our wedding, I received several variations of “Didn’t know you were pregnant – har har!”
I didn’t finding this the least bit humorous, although I’m sure that is what those Jim Carrey–¬wannabes had intended. My fiancé and I had been together for four years, living together for two. We were getting married because we wanted to, not because we had to. And so what if I was pregnant? Would it make this occasion, our commitment to each other, any less solemn?
Of course, because I had finally (mostly) made peace with our decision to be childfree, our friends’ insensitive responses struck a deeper, more painful chord. What I really wanted to do was reply back by saying, “No. Sadly, pregnancy is no longer an option for me.”
But that would have been rude.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She met and married her Mr. Right in her 40s.
I’ve started living by the saying “Treat others they way they treat you.”
If they are rude to me, that must be how they want me to treat them. I’m rude back.
This happened in the gym last week. My friend and I WALK the track and are mindful of those running the track and move to one side when we see them. This one lady was running laps and for the most part there wasn’t a problem. There are places where there is no “shoulder” and everyone has to wait until their is an opening. This one lady didn’t like that she was having to wait said, “You ladies NEED TO MOVE!” I responded with, “You need to NOT BE RUDE!” She got on a treadmill after that because we were messing up her rhythm.
Yes you should have replied back with that answer!!!!
We have been talking about getting married. If we decide to have a wedding (I would prefer to just go away alone instead, but he wants those closest to us to be there), it will be small and only include our closest friends and family.
My definition of closest is anyone who knows enough about my infertility journey to not say anything stupid about pregnancies or babies. I’ve even told my partner to feel free to make sure his closer work friends know this ahead of time so no one says anything stupid. This also makes it easy to keep extended family off the list and keep the number small. Anyone who does say the wrong thing can be put in their place by a number of other guests who are there because they get it.
I think I would have responded with that answer. It was rude of them to say that to you in the first place.
I don’t think it would be rude to say it back. I think it would be honest, it would let them know in an honest non hostile way that what they said was rude and insensitive and perhaps they’d learn from it to think before they say such things. If have to write that back to them & say it hurt. I like to be honest, it’s healthier for me because it offloads the shit people give me by saying hurtful things, Otherwise I turn bitter with resentment.
Someone once said to me your friend will be next to have a baby. It hurt me badly and after a lot of planning what to say in my head an how to say it I said you really hurt me by saying that, it’s not that I want u to say I’ll be next, it’s you voicing the complete bypass that I’ll never be next that hurt me. He said sorry, and about 5-10 mins later he apologised again as it finally sunk in with is conscience the implications of what he’d said to me. Good luck