By Lisa Manterfield
There was a time when I found it difficult to be around mothers of young children. It was hard to listen to them talk about their kids when I felt I had nothing to contribute, and it was painful to know that I’d never be able to share those experiences with them. I couldn’t bear to hear their sweet or funny stories, and it made my blood boil to hear them complain. What I wouldn’t have given for the chance to be kept awake all night by a colicky baby.
As I’ve progressed on my journey and begun to heal, it’s become easier for me to spend time with mothers, to listen to their stories, to speak up when I have something to add, and even to commiserate about the hard stuff, without feeling resentful.
I’m listening to what they say about motherhood and I’m hearing a common theme: Motherhood chips away at them until they lose touch with the women they once were. They love their children, they love being mothers, but they resent how all-consuming the job is and how much of themselves they lose to their families, until they know longer know who they are.
There are always two sides to every story, pros and cons, gains and losses. When we don’t get something we want and deserve, it’s easy to focus on what’s lost—the experiences, the opportunities, and the stories we won’t get to tell. But what about what’s gained? And what about what’s not lost? What about the sacrifices we didn’t have to make and the women we now get to be?
I may not be the woman I’d once hoped to be—a mother—but I know who I am now, and a part of me is grateful for what I didn’t have to lose: myself.
I love this! There 2 sides and life is hard for pretty much everyone in some way or another. Thank you for putting this so eloquently.
I personally focus on the fact that I have been spared from doing school runs and having to go part time to fit around the schools and not having to put up with ghastly school run mums who put others down due to their own deep seated sense of inferiority.
Oh yes, this is definitely one of the gifts of infertility that I’ve written about.
I never looked at it from that perspective but that is a beautiful way to look at it! Thanks for the positivity .. I’m going through the exact same thing right now
Hear hear!! 🙂
Oh I have heard my friend say this kind of thing, and I have thought, what are you talking about, you know who you are, ‘a mother’. That’s all I ever really wanted. I am struggling to find out who I am and what my purpose in life should be and I am at the stage of feeling lesser, as I don’t fit into a society norm. My friends are so busy with their family lives and mine feels a little less worthwhile, and I feel a little neglected and resentful. So where to go from here? How do I go on to not feel incomplete and that my life is worth less because I don’t have my own family? Suggestions would be appreciated…
Of course you feel neglected and resentful because you wanted those things for yourself but sadly lost out on them and it hurts when you see others with things you don’t have.
One way to deal with it is to see about making friends with people who aren’t in that phase of life so it’s not in your face all the time.
Another is to accept that you feel how you do and it’s ok to feel like that as long as you don’t act on it and no it does not mean you are a horrible person for feeling like that.
If child related events upset you then don’t go and it’s ok not to if all going there will do is upset you and make you feel you have lost out.
Also think about the things that they have had to give up that you haven’t like working part time, having to plan things around the school and childcare and the nasty cows at the school gate which you have been spared from.
Remember happiness comes in all kinds of packages and it’s ok to cry when child related events get shoved in your face that you sadly lost out on.
All the best.
I agree with Joanne, it’s ok to cry, and its to separate yourself from the things that hurt you, even if this is only temporary. It’s ok to say no to events that will only cause you pain. Give yourself a well deserved break.
Instead maybe find things that interest you, that you enjoy, that make you laugh. Be gentle and kind with yourself. You deserve no less.
Best of luck.
I love this! This is a great way of looking at things that I will apply to my day-to-day. We are so often focused on what we’ve lost that we don’t realize what we’ve gained. Date night whenever we want, wine with dinner, naps on weekends, trips to romantic getaways, bubble baths, peace and quiet in the house, a last minute mani-pedi. In one word – freedom. Freedom to do what we want. And to be who we want.
I’ve always said I wouldn’t have this job that I love so much if I had kids. And I guess I wouldn’t be the person that I am as well. And I’m pretty happy with myself.
More often nowadays than in the past, I catch myself feel so utterly happy with my life. And I feel a little stange about that because I’m so used to being so sad about not having children. But I’m realizing that although I’m missing out on many wonderful things, I’m gaining many wonderful things as well.