By Lisa Manterfield
“Are you the adult you dreamed of becoming?”
I laughed when I read this question on Facebook. No! Of course I’m not. The adult I dreamed of was an international engineering consultant, living in a large house with a circular driveway, with a fabulous husband and four beautiful children, including one set of twins.
Aside from the fabulous husband, that adult is almost the polar opposite of the adult I am now. I’m a writer, who works from my very small rented beach cottage, and of course, there are no children in my picture. And yet, once I stop to consider my friend’s question, I realize that I’m a lot happier as this adult than I would have been had my expectations been met. I’ve met the person I’d once dreamed of becoming; she wasn’t a very happy person and she definitely had more grey hairs than me.
Half the battle of coming-to-terms with a life without children is letting go of our expectations—and creating new ones. This is never more true than during the holiday season, one of the most difficult times of the year to be childless.
When I think of my expectations of what Christmas should be like as an adult, those four children are always there, gathered around the tree, gathered around the dinner table, and then gathered around me as the day comes to a close. Even when I realized that children wouldn’t be part of my life, I still strived to make Christmas live up to my expectations. Consequently, Christmastime was very sad time for a number of years. I knew there was no way my expectations could be met, and eventually I stopped making an effort to celebrate.
The worst year was when my husband and I found ourselves sitting at home, with no Christmas tree, no plans, no celebration, and we knew we’d allowed our lack of children to take over our lives. We also realized it was time to set new, more realistic expectations.
When I took a step back and looked at what I really wanted for Christmas, not on the surface of gifts, family, and decorations, but on a deeper emotional level, I discovered that my spiritual wish list included love, peacefulness, companionship, and a good dose of silly fun. I needed to explore new ways to get what I really wanted.
It took a couple of false starts to find a new way to celebrate Christmas, but a couple of years ago we nailed it. Mr. Fab and I rented an apartment for three days in a nearby beach town. We celebrated on Christmas Eve with a lovely dinner at an historic hotel with an enormous Christmas tree, roving carolers, and even an outdoor ice rink (in Southern California!). On Christmas Day, instead of sitting at home feeling sad about a pathetic Christmas for two, we went to the zoo, like a couple of big kids, and had a whale of a time. I even got to feed a rhino and have an ice cream. We both agreed it was the best Christmas we’ve had for a long time, plus there were no tantrums or mountains of dirty dishes to deal with.
It’s hard to let go of our expectations, especially when they’re often so deeply engrained, but if you’re struggling to find your holiday cheer this year, I encourage you to look beneath the obvious losses and examine what’s really missing for you. Even if you can’t meet your tangible expectations of what the holidays should be, you might be surprised to find you can satisfy your true needs in unconventional—and unexpected—ways.
Last Christmas, I sat down with Jody Day of Gateway Women to talk about how we’ve adjusted our expectations and reclaimed the holidays. You can find the interview at Gateway Women.
This is a very helpful post. I’m still in the very sad years as you mentioned in your post. The second year after stopping IVF treatments. I thought that this Christmas would be different that I would somehow “Be over it” but although the rawness has somewhat left ,there is still this deep grief that hovers over me we have not put up any decorations this year and going to church this time of year is still really hard. However your post has given me hope that we will get past this initial phase, that there is light at the end of the tunnel and we can make it through. We will pave our own ground, make our own traditions and expectations that are our own and not what others think they should be or even what I imagined they would be. thank for the encouraging post.
I am 59 and childless not by my choice….now my friends with children have their children and grandchildren and that is all they talk about …I always feel like I have nothing to contribute to office conversations and adult gatherings therefore I spend a lot of time by myself
Four years ago, I basically had a breakdown at Christmas. I was so tired of us spending Christmas doing nothing that I knew I had to do something or I wasn’t going to make it through another one. The loneliness was overwhelming, so we decided we were going to start going somewhere for the holidays. We are very close with one of my nephews,so we asked if he could go too. Fortunately, his parents said yes. So our new tradition is for the three of us to go somewhere fun, and this year we are going to Santa Fe. I now look forward to Christmas.
Wow, i just have to say this is truly beautiful and i can relate to this so much because i really think there has to be more to life! Even though my husband and I have dreamt of having at least 1 child if we are lucky than 2 .. other than that my life is good .. i really hope and wish to have a child one day but i also tell myself that just in case i dont .. i should try to enjoy my life cause life without kids can also be blessed .. thank you for opening up our eyes
I’ve felt different this year than most. I think anxiety of the holidays, the pressure to buy the perfect gift, a gift, sending out Christmas cards, and being the only adult in our family to not have children really got to me. I used to LOVE Christmas, especially as a child. So many good memories. Then after the last IVF and trying to move on with that, plus a divorce, things started to change. I am very happily married to a wonderful man for 8 years now, and we aren’t having any children because of me, and we are both okay with that. But a couple years ago, when my grandmother died, it hit me harder than I thought… i don’t like Christmas anymore. I never thought I would say that, but for the past couple of years, my husband and I don’t want a tree, or presents, we just want to have it be over. We have talked about going some where, making a new tradition for just us, but life happens and new jobs and a new house get in the way. We are hoping that in the new year, we plan the trip and have that to look forward to. Christmas to me is being with family. But with most families, that includes kids, presents, and all the other things that make it “kid” like!!
I can not have children due o CFS aka Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I don’t have the energy for myself let alone any one else. But I am still a big kid at Christmas. I have five nephews and one niece in which one nephew is just over one week old. Don’t give up on Christmas guys. Celebrate it with other loved ones. All the best. xxxx