By Lisa Manterfield
“Ancora imparo. [I am still learning.]”
― Michelangelo, at age 87 in 1562
I am still learning. And thank goodness, too. If all I had to go on for the rest of my life was all I know now, I think I’d be in a lot of trouble down the road. That’s the beauty of age, experience, and wisdom, I suppose. It takes life experience to gain knowledge, and life experience only comes with checking off the years.
A couple of years ago, I learned an important lesson that I wish I’d learned much sooner. I learned to ask for help.
Near the end of last year, I was working through where I wanted to take this site, while trying to keep my freelance writing jobs going, and thinking about the novel I’m supposed to be writing. I was trying to write blog posts, maintain the website, fix tech issues, run a workshop, and keep a marriage ticking along. Finally, I threw up my hands and said what equated to, “I can’t do this all by myself, so I’m not going to do any of it.” I really was ready to throw in the towel.
Fortunately I have a wise group of peers and an amazing mentor who talked me through my angst and convinced me to ask for help. I found an assistant to help with the blog and found a web designer to take care of the site properly. Their help freed me up to do the work I really wanted to do, which is writing posts and developing this community. What’s more, the other work got done quicker and better than if I’d struggled along as usual trying to figure it all out for myself.
The experience gave me pause and caused me to look back at my past and take a close look at myself. Turns out I have never been a person who asks for help. It’s not so much pride that stops me from asking, but more a sense of toughness. “I can do this on my own. I don’t need help.” Now I’m writing it here, it sounds an awful lot like stubbornness, but there you go.
I was also tough (or stubborn) when I was going through the grinder of infertility and later, when I was trying to figure out how to ever make peace with my situation. I never asked for help, even though I needed it. In part I believed it was pointless to ask for help because no one else could really understand what I was going through. I also didn’t want to upset people I knew and cared about, and I didn’t want to put myself in the position of comforting them.
In hindsight, I wish I’d asked for help. I wish I’d taking the chance of confiding in a friend. I wish I’d thought to look for a support group or hired the professional help of a therapist. I would have arrived at my place of peace a lot sooner than I did. But hindsight is 20/20 as they say, and I hadn’t yet learned the value of asking for help.
How about you? Have you asked for help? If so, where have you found it?
I really resonate with you Lisa, I used to do everything I could to avoid asking for help but gradually I’ve changed.
It’s odd isn’t it, we’d happily employ an accountant, or plumber, but when it comes to matters of the head or heart or things we feel we ‘should’ be able to do (like website) we assume that we can go it alone.
I’ve learned through bitter experience that I can’t.
In the past few years I’ve had help with setting up my business & website & mostly to keep me on track.
Like you, it took me a long time to find my place of peace & I wish I’d asked for help sooner.
Just a few months ago, I had gotten to a point where we were going to try IUI (our decided last resort), and at that same time, I was recommended to apply for a promotion (I knew I was ready for a change at work, but kept thinking I could either choose a more stressful job or motherhood, not both).
Anxiety had ramped up to a point I could no longer take (Clomid probably didn’t help my emotional state, either). I felt like my life was one big question mark, and I had no idea what direction my life was going in or in what direction I wanted to take myself. So I went to a therapist. In a matter of a month or so of seeing my therapist, I applied for/interviewed for the job, got the tests done and had the IUI. Then, in a matter of a week, I got the job and found out the IUI was not a success. I am so greatful that I had the support of my therapist during that time…we both agreed I could not have timed seeking out help any better.
I probably could have continued with my therapist longer, but once I came to accept that I was going to focus on my career and pretty much give up on TTC, I figured the worst was probably over and I could begin healing on my own.
I went to a therapist for some time and learned to enjoy the small things in life, and learned to be grateful for what I have. However, doing those things do not always get me through the difficult times. I fear that there will always be a feeling of emptiness, and the feeling that I missed out on a huge part of what life is apart.
This post resonates with me so much!
I didn’t seek help during infertility. I think part of it was sheer stubbornness and part was feeling like nobody could possibly get “it.” But after, when I did seek community, it made all of the difference for me. In hindsight, I do wish I’d sought the help of a therapist, sought out a support group, or at least confided in a friend, but I am well known for learning lessons the hard way.
I have no problem asking for professional help when I feel overwhelmed. It’s the personal help I struggle with. Very few people in our life know the details of our infertility – because I often find it more hurtful to tell them, and have a negative response than to not tell them at all. I know that is partly me – but I really wish I had the courage and the support to talk to more friends about what is going on. With time, they will learn how to react, I know. It’s just being brave enough to make that first step that I wish I could…