Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Comments

  1. Rant Alert:
    Why not “just” adopt?
    How about because you have NO IDEA what you are suggesting you uninformed foolish person!!! You are not really concerned about me, you just want to not be uncomfortable in this conversation. Because I just don’t have cash sitting around in the bank after 7 rounds of IVF (my own eggs and my sister’s donor eggs)… because JUST LIKE YOU I wanted to see the eyes of my spouse in my child’s eyes. Only YOU didn’t have to voice that want. I am the UNLUCKY one that now have to voice the SAME THING you wanted and I get shamed for wanting what YOU WANTED!! How unfair. Because I have a sister and best friend who adopted and they were honest enough to warn me about adoption. Because adoption has a 54 percent failure rate that no one (worst of all the media) wants to talk about and after 7 IVF’s my heart just can’t take anymore sadness when I’m part of the 54 percent of failed adoptions.
    And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
    Ahhh… that felt good. Thank you!

  2. I’ve often responded to this remark by asking if they had the money to fund it. Usually puts a stop to it. Not the most tactful, but this question isn’t either.

    All in all, I think people mean well when they ask this. We’ve been “programmed” to look at the happy ending scenario and most of what people know about adoption is what they see in the media, especially TV and movies.

    There’s a lot more to it then what most people assume. Adoption is an arduous, expensive and emotionally draining. Bottom line. There is a lot to consider and not everyone who wants a child may not be a ready or a good fit for adoption. It’s complicated. And perhaps that is what we should say: “I appreciate your concern, but we’ve looked into it and it’s a lot more complex than what you see on TV. This is not a fit for us, for various reasons that I’d rather not bore you with.” and change the subject.

  3. Why don’t you give me $60,000.00?

    This is my standard response. Haven’t had to use it in a while though.

  4. I’d love to answer that with ‘why don’t you adopt? If you think there’s so many children who need parents, why not adopt one yourself?’

  5. Adoption is a beautiful thing when done with the right intentions. It shouldn’t be treated as a consolation prize for couples who couldn’t conceive children on their own, which is basically what that question implies. It’s also ignorant because adoption is a long, difficult, and expensive process with no guarantees of a child at the end of it.

    Perfect response : Why didn’t you?

  6. We have the sad answer of – we tried that, but in Northern Ireland there are less children available than prospective adopters and we weren’t deemed good enough.

  7. I’d love to be able to adopt but once I looked into it its so expensive. I could go through my state but the child I foster I may not necessarily be able to adopt. The foster could possibly go back to the birth parent after a few months or a year. None of its easy. I’m a single person and I also have to be able to afford it. Its been something I’ve been working on excepting. I found out over a year ago I was in premature menopause/ovarian failure. I may have to except that motherhood isn’t in the cards for me in any form. That my life has to mean something for other reasons. I’m working on acceptance.

  8. I dread this question almost as much as “why don’t you have kids?” I truly wish more people understood what goes into adoption and that you don’t get to just pick a baby out of a catalog or something. And then you have family members, good intentions or not, trying to give you their teenager’s unplanned baby, you know, to make up for the one you cannot have. Not helpful!

  9. Sure, why don’t I just hurry up and complete my grieving process of never being able to bear my own children. And by the way I’m 45 and my husband is 56 so let me go talk to all the droves of young women who are lining up to give their infants to people old enough to be their grandparents, and by the way, let me just get that $40-$50,000 out of my savings so that I can buy a kid, because that’s basically what it boils down to. And why do you think that it’s my lot in life to care for a child who is disabled just because I couldn’t have my own and because I can’t take that on, it makes me selfish? Life doesn’t work that way.

  10. Hi , I must admit like others I hate this question , it makes me feel guilty, like it is an option for us that we are too lazy or something to go for. I love the answers given and will definitely use them. I honestly have not really looked into adoption, I have heard so many painful stories and am aware of the small % of success rate, and I don’t think my heart, bank account or relationship can go through another painful journey, so it is not an options for us, (at this stage…never say never I guess). Thank you for sharing your experiences and answers.

  11. how about, I don’t even have a partner. So I’d adopt a kid that I wouldn’t be able to feed vs wouldn’t have time to care about because I’d be busy earning money. But I’m sure it would “just” be easy..

  12. I have always believed that adoption is not just something you do because you can’t have children. It has to be a calling, something that is on your heart and mind to do, whether you are childless or you already have children. It is a totally separate issue from childlessness. My cousin has three biological children, and she is adopting another child. When I asked her why, she told me that it is something that has been on her mind and in her heart for years, and she feels very strongly that this is something she needs and wants to do. That is how adoption should be approached – not as just something you are supposed to do because you can’t have children.

    I, too, have had close friends and family throw this at me, even after I thought they might truly be doing their best to understand my situation. It’s like someone said above, they are uncomfortable with it, so they want to fix it, and that is the best solution in their minds. That was when I realized that no one around me will ever understand. If I need to rant or talk things out, I have to get online. Thank God for this site or I would be completely alone in this.

    • Thanks Christy – it was when my father in law asked this question (after 7 IVFs a 20 year long struggle and emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy with our last donor IVF attempt) that I realised no-one was ever going to get it or give me the understanding I needed. I frequently check in here so that I can be reminded of this fact and not to look for comfort outside of LWB – no-one gets it and can give me a break. I just simply have to take what I need and ignore the careless comments along the way – still gutted and surprised at my family members. I guess they have not been truly compassionate all my life and I didn’t notice before infertility.

  13. Hi !!! That’s what some of my friends say to me….but actually not what they wanted for themselves when they first got married….they wanted to conceive a child !
    By the way, some suggested me to buy a pet since I live alone. I don’t know what to say to that !!
    As always I keep you in my prayers ♥♥♥♥

    • Pets are not for everyone either. We raised three and now that we are 60+ with no family close we dont want to constantly board a Pet every time we go on a retirement trip

    • Pets would work out for his either. My husband is allergic to animals and I’ve never really liked animals.

  14. Why dont we just adopt? humm tried and lost 7 adoptions It is not a piece of cake like everyone thinks it is…Yes if we had tons of money we could have and so many say “there are so many children that need a loving home”
    So where are they? Foreign countries show them on TV to which cost so much we found many countries also require you to go overseas and live there 3-6 months before adoption or you can go through DHS so how many couples want to adopt an older cihld? Is that the way you started your family? Or go through the agony & heartbreak of sending a child back home to natural parents, or having a troubled child you cant handle.
    No one can understand.

  15. OMG! Way too many times have I heard this statement .. ANd I just don’t know why I get so offended .. What people don’t realize is adoption is a long and difficult process in all aspects .. there are many reasons why I personally do not prefer adopting although it is a wonderful thing .. but just hate when people are so ignorant and can easily just spit out those words. sigh .. so many emotions

  16. Dear All,

    ****Mini Rant

    This Saturday, I was having catch up with my friend (mother of two), she had asked if things were ok as we have not seen each other for a few weeks. Admittedly, this is my fault as recently I have been finding it hard to fit in, and spend time around my friends and their children, only recently I have started feeling like I am being tortured by every family sitcom comedy, commercial and even the weather lady on morning tv, touting me as she reminds everyone send the children off with jackets at the bus stop, as it is going to rain …… anyway I digress. I had not seen her in a few weeks.

    So I was explaining that I am still in the accepting phase of my childless life and find it hard sometimes to be around families. In response to this she turns to me all doggie eyes filled with what I am presuming is some sort of empathy…. And she quietly, as if shamefully asks “so you have given up on IVF? And, are not willing to consider adoption like…..?” she names the only couple we both know who has adopted (p.s.- they are both lawyers, adopted locally… and are still in legal turmoil with the birth mother, following a changes in our laws) nevertheless, I was left almost about to cry or break out in a rant and forward this page on to her… too me it felt like she was judging me for making a choice, and the acceptance I had to accept was my own failure in not perusing all avenues!!!!!!

    I am sure she does not mean it to come across like that, however as I explained / tried to defined myself, citing the cost and legal mind field, and that it was our decision based on our circumstances to “move on to accepting our childless life “(primary mentally), I was met with the response where she joking explain she would have my babies for me… ***big sigh***** consequently I felt worst and the conversation moved swiftly on to something else … wishing I had never tried to “open up “and share with my friend.

    I am finding this part really hard, I was faced with this topic I totally forgot all the witty lines the group shared, and received a blow to the stomach, not so much on the question itself rather the implications that I perceive and feel come with it.

    I share all sentiments for hating this question.

    Thanks for listening.