By Lisa Manterfield
With Mother’s Day looming here in the U.S., the shops are full of cards. I wish the racks also contained cards for those of us who don’t relish the celebrations. Just a word or two from someone who understands how it feels to be childless on Mother’s Day could help to make the day more bearable.
You may have seen this article about a cancer survivor who designed her own line of honest greetings cards, the kind she wishes she’d received while she was going through treatment.
It struck me how many of these sentiments apply to us and what a difference it would make to receive this kind of message during a rough patch, to have the grief and loss acknowledged, and to be offered just a word of support.
The idea sent me on a quest to see if such cards exist, and what sentiments they convey. I was encouraged to find some thoughtful miscarriage and baby loss cards, with texts such as:
“My heart aches for you, and I am here to call on when you feel alone.”
“Please know that prayers and thoughts of love and care are being sent your way.”
“Please know that you’re surrounded by heartfelt sympathy for your loss as you gently lay your dreams to rest.”
You can see these cards here.
But, when I went looking for infertility cards, I found something entirely different. Most of the cards were cheery and encouraging, along the lines of “Don’t give up!” “It will happen when it happens, so get some sleep while you can,” and the ever-encouraging “God has a plan for you, so be patient.” (I’m paraphrasing in all these cases, but not much.) In fact, almost all the cards had texts that would make the list of the very last you want to hear.
So, I’m wondering, would appreciate an appropriate card from an understanding loved one this Mother’s Day? If so, what would you want it to say? (Greetings card companies, take note!)
“Even though your heart has been ripped to shreds because the one thing you knew you always wanted in your life – to be a mom- will not happen, due to life circumstances(not infertility – why in THE HELL does everyone think it is due to infertility?), know that you are not alone; even though you feel like it. I wish I could hug you and let you cry on my shoulder for a million years.”
Yes! For me it’s a mix of medical conditions sapping my energy, mess for them, genes causing them, and at this point my and my husband’s ages – which actually magnifies the “what if” because maybe I technically still could. Just shouldn’t. And 9/10 resources assume either infertility or choice. /sigh
I’d rather just hide in my bubble myself. The stuff on my usual Christian radio station this week is so hard. But I have to at least acknowledge my own mother and MIL, so… yep.
*meds, not mess… though I suppose I am a mess
“Praying for you on one of the hardest days of the year, plese know I am here for you if you need me”
BTW I am not only childless but also Mothersless and now a Widow…it does not get better with age it gets worse
I have been asked to be godmother to the children of a number of sympathetic friends over the years. Our church specifically and intentionally acknowledges godmothers as well on Mothers Day. It would be such good medicine to receive a note or a card from just one of my many godchildren.
Tough weekend.
Nita, I am also childless, Motherless since I was 14 mo old, and also divorced ! Recently I started a relationship with an awesome man who has 2 children and even 4 grandchildren.
I always say: in everything, keep the faith. You are all in my prayers !
I agree, They have all these cards for singles on Valentine’s day to help them, why can’t we?
I wouldn’t want a card from just anyone but the people who know my struggle I wouldn’t mind a card. Here goes:
“Thoughts and prayers go out to you. KNow that you are supported.”
Almira; I would also love to receive that card:
“Thoughts and prayers go out to you. Know that you are supported.”
yay !
To be honest, I don’t want acknowledgement of my childlessness on Mother’s Day. Anyone’s prayers or thoughts feels like pity to me. My ultimate wish for Mother’s Day, is to be able to hide away, and ignore it all together. But I can’t. I am going to be with family this weekend, celebrating Mother’s Day with my sister (and her family), and my parents. So no, I won’t be able to avoid it. I hate Mother’s Day…it’s an annual reminder of a club I never got to join.
Well said.
I hate Mother’s Day too.
me too! I want mother’s day to disappear – don’t “mummies” get enough attention every day of the year……….
If I could have a card – i’d like one from my own mother (who has not been terribly understanding over the years)!
“So sorry dear daughter that you could not experience all the things I told you were marvelous while you were growing up – apart from the odd joyous event, you’ve missed nothing much and you certainly don’t need to visit me on Mothers Day or lavish me with gifts – I already have the gift of a lifetime – a daughter”
I hate Mother’s Day. I hate that social media blows this out of proportion and it’s all about how being a mom is the “best feeling ever”, how no one else could know love like a mom, how God blessed woman with babies to love and care for, and how much daddies adore the mother of their children… uh, how about celebrating a woman in general? I hate the pictures and comments of all this shit. Sorry for the swear word. I get asked to work for mom’s since I don’t have children, how I wouldn’t understand what it’s like to spend the day with the children, dads, and all other family or friends with kids on this special day. The entire day makes me want to forget what’s thrown in our faces what many of us woman wanted. I’m not saying that I don’t celebrate my mom, mother in law or anyone else that’s a mom. I do, but everyday I love and am thankful for them, I don’t need a designated day to make a deal out of it. I suppose there are many holidays like this… but this particular one makes it harder, for me at least.
I hate Mother’s Day. I hate that social media blows this out of proportion and it’s all about how being a mom is the “best feeling ever”, how no one else could know love like a mom, how God blessed woman with babies to love and care for, and how much daddies adore the mother of their children… uh, how about celebrating a woman in general? I hate the pictures and comments of all this shit. Sorry for the swear word. I get asked to work for mom’s since I don’t have children, how I wouldn’t understand what it’s like to spend the day with the children, dads, and all other family or friends with kids on this special day. The entire day makes me want to forget what’s thrown in our faces what many of us woman wanted. I’m not saying that I don’t celebrate my mom, mother in law or anyone else that’s a mom. I do, but everyday I love and am thankful for them, I don’t need a designated day to make a deal out of it. I suppose there are many holidays like this… but this particular one makes it harder, for me at least.