Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Making the Best of a Life Without Children

By Lisa Manterfield

Thanks to Iris for forwarding this article about living happily without children.

I love this author’s attitude to the hand she’s been dealt. At first read, she seems almost flippant about her inability to have children, but she’s packed a whole life story into one article, and reading between the lines, it’s clear to see the pain she felt, the struggles she and her partner went through in coming-to-terms with being childfree, and the attitudes she still has to endure from others. But her whole outlook was encapsulated in this paragraph:

“We didn’t get to have something. We had 2 choices as a result of that – let it control, dictate and sadden the rest of our lives or find something else to do instead. Either way, we still wouldn’t get to have kids. So which is the best choice?”

Are you still struggling to come to terms with your own situation and feeling that childlessness is “controlling, dictating, and saddening” your life? If so, can you see what your “find something else to do instead” could be? And could you do it?

I don’t this author is trivializing the blow she was dealt – far from it – but I love that she’s found a way to turn her situation to her advantage. What do you think?

Comments

  1. This was absolutely my DH and I:

    “We didn’t get to have something. We had 2 choices as a result of that – let it control, dictate and sadden the rest of our lives or find something else to do instead. Either way, we still wouldn’t get to have kids. So which is the best choice?”

    When we were first married and didn’t have much money we always said we would make time and a way to go on a vacation every year. During infertility hell it was a time for us to not talk about, think about, or plan about a baby. It was our break from it all. After infertility hell it became our new life.

    Our individual days are small but our Plan B is traveling. And we do all we can to make that work. We take two trips a year. Sometimes they are both biggish, sometimes one is really big and the other small….like this year’s trips. We went to Miami, FL (small trip) last month and this fall we are doing a Baltic Sea Cruise (big trip).

    You can see our travels here. https://www.flickr.com/photos/randrewlove/

    We are adding 4 new countries to our visited list later this year. 🙂

      • Yes! Only rained out the last day. Drove to Key West for one day and then beach hopped our way back to Miami along the Keys. Went to Everglades and Biscayne National Parks. So much fun!

        • Hi to you two. I’m in the uk. I watched the series *dexter* recently which was set in miami, i loved the series and thought id fancy going there but im scared of flying and traveling.

          • Come on over! … Though much of Dexter was actually not filmed here. I also lived in the UK.

          • Hi Iris. Put the kettle on then I’m on my way!! Ha ha.
            I heard lots was filmed in California, is that right? Where did u live in UK?. I’m in Cornwall.

          • Kath, I lived in Oxford. Never made it to Cornwall, unfortunately! 🙁 Love the UK… so beautiful.

  2. Just got done reading this post and article along with it! What a breath of frwsh air and a push for me in the right direction .. I have been living in limbo and let my unexplained infertility completely take over my life .. i really much enjoy setting up my new home/gardening/etc i’ve always wanted to start some type of crafts business .. or .. go into real estate .. i will figure it out and seriously think of things which I CAN control rather than focusing on things I cannot control. Thank you very much for sharing!

  3. Thank you Lisa !!!!

    God is blessing me every day with different opportunities ! I am on my way to “acceptance” but that is a process: takes time and prayers.

  4. Thanks for sharing this… I had been thinking about posting on my current ambiguity over childlessness… the fact that sometimes I’m pretty happy with my life sans kids, even though I was really miserable about it for years. My fears really are about losing the loved ones in my life and not having a new next generation of my very own to love on… I’d like to hear if any others are feeling this way, so I think I’ll add a new post in the community on this.

    • Iris, yes, I’m feeling this way, too, and I’d love to read any new posts on this topic. I know we all have different circumstances with respect to spouses, family, friends, etc.; some might feel quite rich in the area of relationships, while others may be desiring to build more relationships and a greater sense of community or alternate family. For myself, I seem to be far more afraid of losing my loved ones than my married friends with children. Thank you so much for raising this topic!

  5. Thank you Lisa for this article – I definitely felt my life was controlled and saddened throughout my TTC days. Unfortunately I don’t think you can jump to deciding to change your attitude and the real choice you have until you have journeyed down the trying and failing and ultimately grieving stage, the latter which can last a long time. Perhaps for me I’m finding I’m in a strange place where I experience grief and sadness at a moments notice and on the other hand – an imperative desire to “play like kids” and cast all responsibilities and shadows aside and just do fun things! I’m not sure where I am – we have left fertility treatments way behind and I work at changing my response to triggers and the choice now “to live to the full”. Its good to read about it from someone who does that too and a reminder that deciding to “choose something different” is more about attitude. We decided to change our attitude rather than a physical “something else” – it takes work and some days its easier than others.

  6. Great post! We are starting our journey into childlessness and I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the possibilities, the opportunities. We already live overseas and I am thinking about our next move, being able to travel and do fun things is certainly a sweetener! I have been listening to a great speaker who has experienced his own fertility hell, he speaks from a faith point of view and has struggled with where God is in this wilderness, but he has a great quote:

    “A greater tragedy than a broken dream, is a life forever defined by one” Sheridan voysey.
    http://sheridanvoysey.com/you-can-start-again-after-a-broken-dream/

    Let’s grab life by the balls! (Not his quote!)