By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
I’ve been deep into vegetable gardening since the spring, proving once again that gardeners are the greatest optimists: We plant something and we expect it to grow.
Because I’m still new to my current climate, I’m having to learn about what will thrive here, and am reading up on tips. Recently I learned something interesting:
Water-stressed plants taste better.
Berries are sweeter, tomatoes are more flavorful. Like many novices, I’m likely to overwater at the slightest hint of droopiness, so this tip has me rethinking how I’ll treat my green darlings this growing season.
As I pondered this, I started thinking about how this might apply to my long journey of trying to make peace with being childfree. While I wouldn’t wish being childless-not-by-choice path on anyone, I am seeing some benefits (stay with me) of the stress I’ve been through. I would say that today I am more sensitive to my own needs, more aware of the troubles of others, and more willing to listen with an open heart. As a result of coming through an emotional wringer, I am calmer, I am kinder, I am more compassionate. You might say the stresses I have endured have made me, well, sweeter.
Yes, it’s a bit of a stretch, but like I said, I am an optimist.
Here’s hoping we can all plant a little kindness in our days and reap what we sow.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is telling the story about her journey in The Mother of All Dilemmas. As she shares her quest to become a single mother (and ultimately embraces a life without children), she explores why society still appears to base a woman’s worth on how many children she has. Watch for updates on the book’s release here at LifeWithoutBaby.com.
I definitely think that what we have gone through, has made us stronger, more patient (even though it hurt like hell) It gives a new meaning to life .. lets me see what life is without a baby .. pushing me to see the brighter things in life instead of drowning in the sorrows of infertility .. i still struggle and hope to come out calm and sweet and at peace with my own life .. *prayers*
I don’t think that the metaphor is a stretch at all…I think there is some truth to this, and I certainly think it applies to me, too. Although I still struggle, and the pain of being childless will never go away, I know I’ve become stronger, and I will survive and thrive because of it.
We made the decision two years ago to stop treatment and end the constant flow of hurt from endless failures. Your post has truth to it in my life. After so many ridiculous, hurtful though meant-to-be-helpful things were said to me by friends, family, coworkers etc, I am now so much better at showing empathy and sympathy for others in pain. I respond to their pain rather than by making sweeping hopeful empty statements as I would have before. I acknowledge their hurt, whether stemming from a health crisis, marriage issue, loss of a parent, job or general suffering. Being heard and having your pain acknowledge rather than marginalized- I am able to offer both with genuine care. I was never very patient and have grown to be more so as I try to heal my own heart. The only place I struggle to tap into someone else’s hurt is when it has to do with infertility, early in the process. A first miscarriage, 6 mo of trying and not getting pregnant… I have zero patience. We fought and lost for so many years that I can’t find much compassion for those just getting started. I am a work in progress for sure hoping one day I will feel whole and without the anger of loss. I don’t know that I’m to the point I would call this sweetness, but I am a better friend and better listener for those in my life. I’ll take that as a small win-
I so appreciate your authentic and heartfelt response, Andi. We are all, indeed, works-in-progress. 🙂
Kathleen, I was thinking kaind of the same thing this week. There are so many feelings and situations that I wasn’t aware of before my infertility path, so I think I am more empathic now.
I also think that if I would’ve got pregnant as soon as I got married (how I wished) I would’ve be that kind of moms that I criticize and I would definatly said hrutful things without knowing.
What an interesting perspective, Magda. I too sometimes wonder if I would have been one of “those moms” had things worked out differently for me.