Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday: Everything Happens for a Reason

We could easily compile an entire encyclopedia of unhelpful, and even hurtful, things people have said to us. I think this one stings as much as any:

“Everything Happens for a Reason”

Do you agree? Or do you have your own favorite “helpful” slight?

 

Comments

  1. Nope. Don’t agree in this regard. Maybe one day in heaven I will get to know.
    Up until today I can see absolutely NO reason why we do not have children.
    So many unwanted kidz and pregnancies.

    • I agree Daleen .. It hurts .. but one day I hope we find out why we were unable to have children ..

  2. I guess it all depends on how you look at life. I got married late – too late to have children, naturally at least (although I’m still hoping, at 46, for a miracle). I think “everything happens for a reason”, which I actually often say to myself, is a way of dealing with my personal pain when I know something is out of my control. And having a baby is out of my control – unless I resort to fertility treatments again – which I just don’t want to do anymore.
    Like most of you, I live with the pain of not having children daily – whether I’m surfing through Facebook or listening to my friends discuss their kids, constant reminders sting me over and over again….
    And when someone says the above phrase to me – yes, it stings. But, what else is there for someone to say? What could they say to make me feel better? Nothing. Whether it’s “I’m so sorry”, “Perhaps it’ll still happen for you”, or even awkward silence…it’s all the same – I’m still going to feel the pain. Can I blame them for it? How can they empathize with me unless they’ve gone through it themselves?
    I know so many comments are not helpful, or worse hurtful, but I’ve come to realize that I can’t control what others say, only how I react. Life is short – and filled with joy. I’m learning to let that stuff roll off my shoulder and seek out the joy in my life.
    I guess my point is – people in my situation are always going to feel that pain – whether those around us say the right thing or not. It’s how we deal with it that matters most.

    • Thanks for the reminder .. I need to work on my reactions and what i can actually control ..

    • Liza, I totally agree with you. That phrase is hurtful when someone else say it to us, but they mean well.

      I think that that phrase is hurtful for me because it makes feel like I wouldn’t be a good mother or that I am not mother material… but that is just my interpretation, It’s not what peolpe meant.

      By the other hand… I do think that tnhings happen for a reason, but not because I’m not mother material, but because maybe God has another mission for me, or maybe he is just giving me time to heal some spiritual wounds before He gives me a child…

    • This is a tough one. I use to believe this but my view has changed related to infertility and bringing our son home from the hospital adopting him and birth parents changing their minds. The whole thing was horrible, and excruciating. , and traumatic. People never new what to say. Well you probably won’t have the hassles now that you are not parents. You have each other. Now you have more free time. Our childless not by choice status is making me sad or regreifing it with my father being critically ill and not sure if he is going to live. I want to think I am not bitter, or envious not me, I am so self aware, but the truth is sometimes I am angry, resentful, or down right so sad. This loss does not seem socially acceptable which make me want to try to ignore it more which does not work either. I am grateful that other people get it! A book that helped me was when bad things happen to good people, it really helped reframe this loss. Much love to my fellow travelers on this journey.

  4. If I really had to choose my least favorite thing from the vast array of inappropriate lines dropped in my direction, everything happens for a reason would be it. And all of its bastard cousins, of course – “it just wasn’t meant to be” and “it’s not what god wanted” and such.

    People say these things to quell their own anxiety and discomfort mostly, problem being those of us with real emotional and spiritual wounds do need to be seen and heard, and receive support and abidance from our fellow humans in order to heal. I don’t think a society where it is socially acceptable to meet only those who have had familiar experiences with kindness and receptivity is what we want to be building here. It is ok to expect better from our fellow humans.

    If believing that everything happens for a reason makes people feel better about being alive and safer in the world then I say by all means go for it. For me, my infertility and child free not by choice experiences have dampened my need for whys. Accepting that there likely isn’t a reason for what we went through has been one of the hardest things I’ve dealt with, but, now that my life’s time is no longer hampered with the search for reasons that probably don’t exist anyway, I can use my energy for more substantive and useful things.

    • Sarah; hi ! I guess you just said the right word: Accepting.
      Not really easy but with time, (in my case with the Lord and prayers) and a great support group…
      I keep on praying !

  5. I hate the everything happens for a reason thing. I remember when I was 17 i used to think the way most other fertile people think about infertility. Such as – trust that if it’s ment to be it will be.
    Now I’ve lived through it and I know it from the inside and I do tell people it hurts when you say my babies are not meant to be.
    I can’t change the way I feel but they can be taught not to ****ing say it to me.
    I’m gonna be honest about how raw it is and how much it hurts-its the only way they’ll learn to say the right thing and not the stupid platitudes.

    • “Iā€™m gonna be honest about how raw it is and how much it hurts-its the only way theyā€™ll learn to say the right thing and not the stupid platitudes”

      I couldn’t agree with you more.

      • Agreement here too. It’s my favorite when I’m told to get over it or I’m just bitter.

        • Yep thanks, and when they judge u for being bitter ask them why they think they can advise, judge and know better on something they havnt been through? I wouldn’t give advice to someone going through a traumatic experience if I’d never experienced it myself. People talk so much b*****ks that they know nothing about. Listen listen, listen and validate and acknowledge the struggle is all they need to do

  6. I absolutely “Hate” hearing people say this, even if I over hear a conversation. Everything about it rubs me the wrong way, and I have an upset response, When someone says it to me.

    Its not a nice thing to hear when you are suffering a loss, or an unfortunate event. Especially reguarding being able to have a child.

    So “It happened for a reason” that I can’t be a mother? But it happened for a reason that every other woman can. I agree with Daleena on “unwanted kids”. These women get pregnant after numerous abortions. “That happens for a reason” too. Doesn’t make any sense. But “Thats life I suppose.
    Excuse me I’m just upset that my only dream of life. Has been stripped from me.

  7. I hate this phrase so much. I can’t think of any good reason why I’d struggle with infertility and losses and it makes me angry when someone says this to me. I’ve made someone speechless after they said it to me because I asked them what the reason is that people who abuse or kill their children are able to have children and I’m not?

    • That’s a great response Jennifer – i am all for accepting and changing my attitude to hurtful comments but a bigger part of me wants to challenge these platitudes. I like this one.

  8. Oh yes .. this one hurts because of one simple reason .. just exactly “what is that reason?” and Will I ever find out? (that’s what feel like answering back when someone says that .. and maybe i will.)

    other unhelpful comments:
    “Why don’t you try clomid??” (i’ve tried and failed on multiple cycles of clomd, been there done that doesnt work)
    “Make sure it’s all the way in!” (my so called friend giving me this advise regarding husband when she had just announced her pregnancy (first time of her trying to concieve)
    “just don’t stress” – ( i have started working from home, meditating each day, trying to live a calmer life style .. yet no child, not even one positive preg test.”
    “it’ll happen when you least expect it, don’t try, don’t think about it, and it’ll happen” (JUST HOW do i forget about it? when everyone and their mom’s ask me “when are you having kids??” and everything reminds you of children/mothers on tv on the internet just EVERYWHERE .. easier said than done .. i “tried” not to think about it many times, took breaks from TTC but STILL NO CHILD PRODUCED!)

    Well that’s all i have for now .. i can go on and on ..

    • ā€œitā€™ll happen when you least expect it, donā€™t try, donā€™t think about it, and itā€™ll happenā€ (JUST HOW do i forget about it? when everyone and their momā€™s ask me ā€œwhen are you having kids??ā€

      THIS!!! This sums it up perfectly.

  9. I wholeheartedly disagree with this statement. It’s a platitude that holds no meaning. I could not have children because I chose a man who had a 20 year vasectomy reversed and it didn’t work. Neither one of us wanted to use donor sperm. I couldn’t afford extensive IVF treatments. I had one fresh cycle when I was 32 and had 5 embryos that sat around for 13 years before we tried to use them again. At 45 I was too old to do a fresh cycle at the military hospital and would not be able to use my own eggs on the outside without a 99% failure rate. I also couldn’t afford donor egg treatments on the outside, plus it wasn’t how I wanted to become a mom. There are many reasons this happened. I’m not a mom because of choices I made in my life. I don’t believe in God anymore because of this experience. Only science. So for me, there is no “why”, it just is.

    • I no longer believe in god either. This is more than challenges to faith. I am with no doubt now an atheist. Infertility taught me that life is truly random. Both good and bad things happen to both good and bad people. There is no “meaning” behind events. Things just are.

      I do still think it is important to be a good person, but only because doing good is good for society as a whole.

  11. I hate “Everything happens for a reason” or “Its gods plan” not only in regards to infertility but other situations too. Like the death of my father. I was 17 when he died and he was 53. I like to think I was a religious person growing up. I was Catholic..went to mass every Sunday (with my dad). I had to work really hard not to become bitter after he died. And years later to be told that having a child isn’t in the picture? I’m not married or seeing anyone. I can’t have kids. My decision to wait on having kids….may not have been a good one? I often wonder what my father would think of me now. I continue to work on the bitterness thing lol. I guess some of those platitudes hit a sore spot with me.

    • I lost my Dad when he was 65. Your Dad would be loving you just as much now as he did then my dear. I have often thought the same. Much ā¤ļø to you.

    • Hi Christine, I’m with you completely and understand the absolute pain of losing a parent you love so intensely and then also not being able to have kids. I also deal with not becoming bitter on a daily basis, some days more successful then others. But I know now I am not the same women I was before I lost my mum and also not having kids, I’m dealing with double grief and I hardly have any family as well. I let myself be how I want to be, I don’t try and please anyone anymore and for that I feel stronger, the pain is always going to be around us as kids, parents, grandparents everywhere – I just remove myself, I actually don’t even say anything anymore if conversation makes me uncomfortable I remove myself straight away and I don’t apologise for it …. anymore.

  12. I on the other hand tend to agree with the statement…I believe in God and in His protection, even when we dont see it
    Could I have died in Childbirth? Or maybe had a handicapped child I could no have handled emotionally? Or developed health issues related to pregnancy?
    Just this past week had a drastic fall down a flight of Stairs ( I am talking about 20 stairs) only had a swollen wrist and bruised ribs…I could have died or had a TBI
    Fortunately instead of directly falling I rolled down the stairs
    Life was meant for me for a reason

    Just his past year I lost my husband of 38 years. We are no longer a couple, he is no longer here
    I miss him dearly.
    Would it be better for him to live his entire life in pain and with a cancer attacked body all because I wanted him to exist and I wanted to be happy with him or was it better for him to go?
    Yes I do believe everything happens for a reason

    • I find comfort in the statement, as well. I think that when there is nothing we can do to change things, anything that helps us focus on the life we have now and living it in the best way we can is good. I have written this to you before, but I am sorry for your loss and I pray that you find peace and contentment. Big hug!

  13. Hi Ladies, I heard the statement and wanted to throw up in my mouth a bit. I understand that people don’t know what to say, and so they go to these little phrases that are comforting to them, and I believed this for years, until we waited for a child to adopt and had him for 2 weeks and had to return him because the birth parents changed their minds, which was traumatic. So basically this wasn’t part of some grand plan to what, strengthen my character, teach me a lesson, what a bunch of BS. I think people don’t want to hear others pain, and especially with infertility. I have slowly worked my way back to faith , one helpful book, why bad things happen to good people, this was a true lifesaver for me. It had a different outlook one tragedies, moreover a God does not cause them, people have free will, but God will help you thru them. This was a whole different way to think, but I couldn’t keep praying to god who makes these tragedies happen. I know this is not for everyone, but boy did it help me. Also we have good friends with young kids and a lot of our getting together revolves are the kids activities. It gets a bit old sometimes, and the kids are adorable, one is our godchild. Alot of people just don’t understand. And sometimes I feel like a bitch if I am more assertive about this, or my husband does not want to make waves and about it. My nephew is graduating and there was one extra ticket, and I said I was interested, then my brother his godfather said he was interested. I stepped down due to it being his godfather, but after Fathers days weekend it would have been great for me. It is hard not to be envious when people have kids, and want to play an active uncle role, which affects me. I know this has been a bit of a rant, but Dad is seriously ill, and all the family politics are so heightened at this point. I appreciate everyone feedback.