By Lisa Manterfield
In the very early stages of our relationship. Mr. Fab and I discovered all sorts of odd things we had in common, one of which is that we both played the trombone as teenagers. We talked about learning to play again, and we finally found a used instrument in good condition.
The main difference between a trombone and other brass instruments is that you make the notes by moving a slide up and down, rather hitting a key. It makes it a lot more difficult to hit just the right note. It’s also what makes the trombone so much fun to play, because you can slide easily from note to note, up and down and back again.
The reason I’m telling you all this is that today I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole coming-to-terms process. I’ve been thinking about it in terms of school grades, with the freshman class having just made the decision to live childfree or to stop fertility treatments, and having no idea how to start getting used to the idea. They eventually graduate to acceptance and begin to find a way to get happy, and ultimately go on to live a full and happy life without children.
But it’s really not that simple. You never really do hit all the notes precisely and in order. It’s much more like playing a trombone, where you slide from one state to the next and sometimes back again. One day, you’re content and determined to make the most of your situation, then something happens to trigger all those old emotions and you find yourself sliding back down. Then you get to talk someone who understands you and you feel like you can really figure this out…until your friend announces a pregnancy and back down you go again.
So, I’m wondering, where are you on the sliding scale of coming-to-terms? Where are you right now and have you been better or been worse? Do you feel that, even though you have setbacks, you’re slowly moving towards a place of peace, or can you see no way to ever come-to-terms with your lot in life? Or have you already been up and down the scale and have finally found a place of contentment? I’d like to know.
I’m usually in an okay place. But sometimes something will have me sliding back down again…holidays, back to school stuff, etc. It is a never ending roller coaster of emotions.
Mostly downs at the moment….as my best friend’s due date is looming.
Thanks Lisa – this is such a good way of describing how the grief of infertility goes. I have been up and down the scale a lot and even though I remember that this is normal I did think that one day I would not slide so far down or so frequently given that I am letting in more good times and making the most of what I do have. So I can be physically shocked at how hurt I still feel with announcements and TV ads – mums and babies in the street etc, pregnant colleague in the same department at work. I am now almost resigned that this is how I will always be – up and down the scale and that this might be as far to acceptance as it gets. I think it will always be a daily battle with my emotions and wondering why I couldn’t be a Mum. Still feeling this sad when a pregnant colleague walks past me doesn’t represent what I hoped “acceptance” would be like – am I still stuck in grief? Will I ever feel like I’ve not been kicked in the gut or stabbed in the chest when I see a pregnant women or a mother and baby? Its been 3 years since our seventh and final IVF resulted in an ectopic pregnancy (I was 46 at the time and we had promised ourselves it would be our last).
I feel like your posts are written from an alter “me”. I never put it into words before, but the sliding scale is so true. There are days when I know that this is truly my life and I feel acceptance. This time of year peels the scabs off more with all the family friendly events, which are also events that I would normally enjoy. I have avoided fairs and summer public events because seeing everyone else with their kids, hurts too much. I also find myself being very judgmental with poor parenting. I also struggle with news of newly married couples and the “announcement”. I find myself being bitter that they just get to flow into a world of happiness’s without struggle. How can people be empathetic or somewhat understanding when they don’t have infertility issues. So, I guess the answer to your question is that I am in a bitter phase this time of year. Thanks for always being a non-judgmental shoulder to cry on.
I really agree with you – how is it fair that other people don’t even have to try and they get to flow into “a world of happiness”?
I believe I am getting close to the acceptance stage… slowly. But I still feel sad when one of my friends organizes a baby shower for some relative or friend.. btw she never organized a surprise birthday party for me, not even in my 50th birthday !
I keep on praying for all of us.
Have been a bit down lately, my dog has been sick on and off and I know we don’t have much time left with her so enjoying what we have (she’s 15years 10 months). Plus on our return trip from Rome a father and his 5 year old were flying standby and had tickets not next to each other. So the 5 year old he sits by us (we knew they wouldn’t let her stay in the exit row with us), she was so cute and well behaved and of course the flight attendants come over and tell us our daughter can’t sit in the exit row, I had to tell them 3 times where her father was.
I recently slid back myself. I guess because it’s my 50th birthday in a few weeks. Although I still have my cycle, I’m in denial that my age at this point would prevent me from getting pregnant even if I was trying. I recently saw a birth announcement from a friend who is in his 50s but his new person is in her 30s. I’m still in a good place, but sad. The underlying sadness will always be there. I get fleeting moments of happiness, like when my goddaughters run, literally run, to me when they see me to give me big giant hugs. Their mother is my best friend and we were born 9 days apart. They are 2 and 5. She had them when she was 44 and 47. The other day I was with their father (who is in his 50s) at the swimming pool and there was another couple there who have been trying for a little while now. And he said to them, “all you have to do is stop trying, that’s what we did and it happened.” I was angry at him for saying that. I really was. Another friend was telling me how she never wanted children, but that God blessed her with her daughter. It never ends. It never seems to end.
Wow, I am so thankful for this post! I’ve been really struggling as of late, and have been beating myself up for it. Back in May I was quite proud of how far along I’ve come. I was around numerous babies, even held a couple of them, and didn’t shed a tear. I didn’t even have the urge to cry that I had to suppress. I didn’t feel jealousy, anger, resentment or any of those other emotions I used to have to wrestle with while being around parents and especially babies. I kept giving myself high-fives as I navigated many situations that a year prior would have caused a total meltdown. Then July came. There were several absolutely horrific situations that happened within the first 10 days of the month. I am still trying to recover from all the comments/questions directed towards us by family and friends and situations we were put in. I feel like all those feelings I had thought I dealt with and moved on from are back and my wounds have been ripped open once again. I’ve been so upset at myself for feeling so upset – asking myself why it’s bothering me so much when I thought I had done all the “work” already. But this post lifts that burden off of me. I’m not all the way back at square 1. I have done a lot of work. It is awesome that I did so well back in May. I’m just a little out of tune and need to move my slide to get back in the right key. (I also played trombone, btw!) I just need to give myself a little more slack, because actually overall I’m doing far better than I thought possible.
This is a really helpful post for today. I read “I’m Taking My Eggs and Going Home” a year ago when our last IVF attempt didn’t work out. I recognized myself in the very first, funny and poignant opening scene. But I wasn’t yet ready. I spent the last year planning an alternative road to conception and then we just knew, in our guts, that we had had enough – but it’s still so very hard, and though the decision has been coming a while, actually deciding has brought back the losses, the miscarriages, the might have beens. My sister having just given birth to my niece as she approaches 40 is hard too – the feeling of, why not me? My sister is now the age I was, when I started down this road. I’m trying to cut myself some slack and remember that the decision (and my niece) are both just a few weeks old. But I’d been doing *so* well for a little while and it felt so good, to feel good- and then I spent much of this morning in tears. I am *so* worried that it will feel like this forever. I hope, from others’ experiences, that it will not. But I don’t want an endless string, a sliding trombone. I want to be on the other side, even “glad it turned out this way” as some people several years away from this moment claim to be. I just can’t imagine ever being glad I didn’t have a child. How long will this kind of crying all morning keep recurring? After 4 years of functioning at an externally high level, doing my best to be good at work and with friendships and “keep it all together” while giving every free emotion over to a bruising attempt to have children, my husband and I really do want to enjoy our lives from here to the fullest and with gratitude for what we do have. Any advice on when it will feel like I’m “back” and not sliding into sorrow like this on a random Tuesday? If this is the outcome of making peace and moving on, it doesn’t feel very peaceful today, it feels very very sad.
Lately I have been doing somewhat well .. i did cancel my last round of fertility treatment right in the middle because i was fed up with my clinic treating me like im a cash cow and a lab rat .. i have turned to acupuncture to try and at least destress my body and calm myself from all these nerves of trying to conceive .. the hardest part is when someone makes an insensitive comment or question thats when i get punched in the gut and i come sliding back down and stay there for months because their words hurt so much .. makes me feel so inadequate ,, all im hoping is that everyone just minds their own business and not question why i dont have a child yet. today my dental hygienist asked if my husband an i are planning to have kids yet? (i really wanted to tell her we’ve been trying for years and it hasnt happened” her response was “itll happen eventually” but rlly i thought to myself .. what if it doesnt? even though her question didnt sting like it mostly does , it makes you question yourself and question fate .. sigh .. hopefully just slowly making my way to acceptance.
I am overall in a good place with childlessness.But I was talking to a new women and she was talking about infertility. I was really empathetic thinking how hard it’s was and then she says this is related to her second child . In my mind first thought what r u complaining about you have a child? The conversation was fine I didn’t say my first thought.but later on I was a bit sad . But by the next day I was ok.So i have say I am doing much better but triggers will still be there. It does get better . Hugs to all
I just happened on your blog today, and this post, as I’m searching for answers. My husband and I talked last night that maybe its time we give up. Neither of us are really ready to, but maybe its time. So as for me and where I’m at on the slide… consider me outta tune and rusty.
Just wanted to say thank you for this blog that I’ve only read one post of so far but I can tell it’ll help in the very near future.
I’ve just discovered this site after years of suffering in silence. Thank you for providing this space to feel safe and understood. On the grief scale, I feel like I’m repeating freshman year, ending up as a sophmore just to be thrown back into freshman status and feeling more and more lost. Will it ever get better? I can’t seem to get unstuck from this crazy cycle My story of why we don’t have children is a bit different from what I’ve read, but thankfully similar to other posts that I can definitely relate. I have two chronic and serious medical conditions that require me to take medications to keep them in check. When I first began taking them at 7 and then more at 25, I was told that they would cause birth defects in any baby I would conceive. At the time, that was perfectly fine with me as I was just relieved to be feeling better. Fast forward 22 years. At 47, I’ve been married to my husband for 15 mostly happy years (with some rocky moments due to my withdrawing and sadness from this issue) and have worked very hard to maintain my health and well-being both emotionally and physically. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to be around my family and friends, most who have children and can’t seem to stop talking about them. This morning I had breakfast with my college room mates who were lamenting about their boys going off to college. Even when I confide in them that I am struggling, they can’t help themselves, especially when other parents are around. Many of my friends can’t keep themselves from talking about their kids even when we’re alone. I’m realizing I need to be more selective about who I spend time with. My husband is 14 years my senior and seems to have accepted not being a father and is at peace with it. I am still in the middle of all the emotional sadness and confusion, boomeranging from days I feel motivated and fulfilled, to days I just want to crawl back into bed with no sense of meaning or purpose. I teach Child Development at our local community college (yes, babies, toddlers and preschoolers) and have dedicated my career and life’s work to advocating for the needs of young children and their families. The irony is that I will never be able to experience caring for one of my own. It feels empty and hollow. Although I have never miscarried, or felt the pain of failed IVF as many stories I’ve read on this site, I feel the struggle of each day of having my own health but at the expense of not having the family I was hoping for. Letting go of a dream I’ve had when I finally became well enough to have it is a menacing task. Any feedback or advice you have in moving forward is most welcome from a woman whose great desire is to hear the music again. Thank you for listening.
It’s nice to see I am not alone. I struggle in particular with the fact that this type of grief -grieving a child I did not have – does not receive much validation/empathy. Friends/partners/family do not know how to support me in this, as it is not an obvious “seeable” loss. It is unseen pain. Which personally i find more so agonising. At the moment I would say I am at the bottom of the pit. In my 40s, was starting to get to terms with “oh well, too old now” and two friends in my age group got pregnant naturally. One “by mistake” on a night out!!! So, right now, I am in the “poor me, the universe hates me” phase and “what am I going to do with the next 30/40 years of my life?”. I am not having a good time, sorry.
apologies if this is a repeat I am not sure my other comment came thru!
Mmmm…i think I am at the bottom of a pit right now. In my 40s and I was trying to come to terms with “it’s gone this way for me”.and talking myself into “I’m too old now to carry on trying”, so I was working my way towards acceptance, basically. And then! two friends in their mid 40s get pregnant! Naturally! and one hasn’t even got a boyfriend…just like that! one night of passion and BAM…
I am fuming. I am angry. I am cheated. I feel like the universe hates me and taunts me…that’s where I am at. Life can be a very cruel experience. And what I hate the most is how hard it is to be happy for my friends. I don’t want to be this ugly grinch. I want to be a supportive friend but i feel like this grief is relentless and I see nothing but this. I feel like not only i lost the life i dreamt of, the family i dreamt of, the child I loved but also who I used to be, before all this. I had hope and enthusiasm once. Now I am just sad, bitter and angry. I am ugly from the inside out. its a roller coaster of poo!!! (Sorry everyone, may be a bit dark but I am really letting it out!). Thank you for this forum….