If you’re new to the site, you might wondering what Whiny Wednesday is all about.
A few years ago, some readers commented that they couldn’t express how they felt around friends and colleagues, as they were always made to feel as if they were whining. So, we created Whiny Wednesday as a safe place to vent about about whatever’s on your mind each week. It can be an issue surrounding living without children, or just a general grumble about life, work, family, the world.
I used to start each post with a gripe of my own, but lately I’ve found I’ve covered most of what bothers me, so I put out a call for Whiny Wednesday topics, and you, dear readers, came through! So, each week, I offer one of your suggested topics as a starting point, but as always, any topic is fair game.
So, let’s kick off with this week’s topic:
Parents who respond to hearing that you don’t have children with, “Do you want mine?”
Happy whining!
A male acquaintance parent that I generally like said this to me while also assuming I ‘hated’ kids and that’s why we didn’t have any. I calmly replied that sadly, we very much love kids and wanted kids but were unable to after a long and painful battle. He was shocked and said he was sorry to hear that. Slowly but surely I hope we can all educate people about the horrific pain that is infertility and the stupid thoughtless assumptions made about childless NOT by choice people!
Why do they always assume every childless person hates kids?
This is something my husband and I both get A LOT. We have done a retrospective searching, and I truly believe it’s not that we somehow convey the attitude that we don’t like kids. It’s simply that since we’ve been together fourteen years, are in our mid-thirties, we must not like kids or else we would have them by now. It boggles my mind how even the most intelligent person can’t fathom that people don’t have children for a variety of reasons, many out of their own control.
so true and it’s so sad .. there needs to be more awareness somehow
I hate when people say that statement, have heard a few times “You can have one of mine”. Having a rough time, we lost our dog yesterday. She was almost 16 and led a wonderful life. She’s been sick on and off for a few months. Totally feel lost without her. Couldn’t have kids so at least I was a furbaby mom which helped me feel like I fit in a bit.
Sorry to hear of your loss – please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve your dog’s passing. XX
I am so sorry for your loss.
Jenn,
I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your dog. I’m an animal lover, and it’s been a big chunk of how I’ve coped with being childless, I’ve filled my home with souls the only way I could. Losing a pet is never easy, but in our circumstance personally, I feel the magnitude of it hits home even harder. I am so very sorry.
My heart hurts for you and I’m so sorry for your loss!
Mostly moms who say that and it’s always the moms, just make me eyeroll. It’s one of the world’s great ironies that those who want children can’t have them and those that can, regret their decision. Some women suggest calling them out when they say that, say “sure! When do we start the adoption process!” So they can hear how insensitive they are. Haven’t tried that yet but I may in the future.
I apparently give a disgusted look at people when they say this to me, and the last person who said this to me immediately apologized and said I was only joking.
This happened at church. And the woman was 2 pews in front of me. The women sitting right in front of me said to this woman that you should be thankful for the kids. I know they can be hard to handle at times but saying that to someone who can’t have kids isn’t nice.
I’m very open about our infertility and have little patents with people who say things like this.
Yup, “you could take mine!” as they proceed to chuckle as i cringe inside. No Ma’am I do not want your child. I want one of MY own. Goodbye!
Whenever this is said to me, it is ALWAYS when the child is misbehaving and the parent is exasperated (and usually followed by : “ugh, see how lucky you are not to have kids? Here, you can have mine”).
I always have to bite my tongue, because I WANT to say: “YOU don’t even want your bratty kid right now, and you made him, so why the hell would I?” But I don’t say it because it would be inappropriate and rude (not that they weren’t inappropriate and rude first, lol).
But seriously…did I ever say I wanted YOUR kid? No. I said I tried, and tried, for my own child and wasn’t lucky enough to get to parent. Totally different things. Plus, your child is not a consolation prize…or a burden. You have NO idea how blessed you are.
I have the perfect answer: – Yes, please. Get his/her stuff ready and let me know when I can pick him/her up. We will have such a great time together !
As you could guess…long silence…and they immediately change the subject.
Praying for all of us. Much love, Analia
I hate being asked that. It’s so thoughtless.
But I was surprised to hear it when having an interesting conversation about grief with a friend who had lost her husband several years before. I confided in her about my infertility and the first thing she said was, “Do you want one of my kids?” I was shocked. I’d never think to ask her if she wanted my husband. That’s not a joke. That’s not something you say. She was the last person I thought I’d hear that from.
Ugh. This has to be one of the most inappropriate things that periodically rears it’s head and has done throughout the last 20 odd years with me personally.
I understand that interactions between parents and children can be fraught given that I was a child and had parents once upon a time and we didn’t always see eye to eye.
What doesn’t sit so comfortably is how it’s ever ok for a person to speak so disparagingly about their offspring and in the same token denigrate the person they’re speaking to by ‘offering’ their child. I’ve had the ‘children hating’ remarks made too. It’s always incredulous to me that as I’m someone who usually makes the time to engage with people and younger people, including children, that anyone could misconstrue this as being someone who didn’t like/want kids!
I think a really important thing for us to remember, is that their comment reflects their lack of awareness, and while is painful for us, is all about them.
Whether or not we feel strong enough at that particular moment to let them know how inappropriate that comment is, and how it makes us feel, is entirely our call.
If you try and tell them and they dismiss it, their friendship may not be worth your time.
I have never been asked this question. My husband and I recently were over his brother’s, how has two small kids and just got a new puppy. Supposedly the one child was acting out, which was frustrating my brother-in-law. So my husband jokingly says to me, “Are you sure you want kids?” I was so annoyed by his question, because even though we are still technically trying, I’ve pretty much given up all hope.
And that night he said he felt bad for asking that, only because he thought it offended his brother, not because it may have offended me!
My ex SIL use to say this to me all the time. She was a “Fertile Mertyl” to the 10th power. Im just upset RN that my last years of natural fertility. Are passing me by.. Just wishing I was in a relationship. To have hot,sweaty, sex with my man . To catch my drifting little egg. Sorry libido talking I’m due for a period soon. And not a happy camper.
It never ends…I am now totally alone no children, no grandchildren, no husband, no family.
Was recently telling someone (online) they typed in “you can have my kids” when I questioned them as to that comment they said “I typed it in wrong, should have said I have my kids”
I dont care what they said going through the death of a spouse without children is worse than those with children.
Hi Nita – I totally agree with you – the death of a partner without your own children for support is devastating. I have let a lot of fears for the future go by these days (no legacy, no children and all the milestones that come with raising them) – the one thing that really troubles me now is what happens when I lose my husband or he loses me? I am so, so sorry – I really feel for you. Sending you cyber hugs and strength.
I understand the weight that you carry. My husband is 14 years older than me, and at 47 I can’t help but think about a future without him. I work hard to push those thoughts out of my mind and believe that I will be taken care of, but it’s very difficult some days. Thank you for your courage to share your feelings. You’re not alone.
I have a friend who has “offered” her daughter to me & dh several times. The kicker being that we met her through our pregnancy loss group — she had infertility issues and lost two babies before they adopted. I just want to say to her, “Seriously?? You’re saying this to ME??”